Why is accepting that I am gay so hard for me? Logically I understand that I am gay. I like women. And online and in my fantasies/ daydreams its natural to pair myself with a women. When I play games online that require relationships (like the SIMS) or require me to have an identity (like IMVU) I know without a doubt in my mind what I would choose. I am a Lesbian and I like Women. To do anything else online, just doesn't feel natural. Even when I write in my journal, I can write down that I am a lesbian without hesitation, and without doubt. But, when I try to say it out loud the words either get caught in my throat, or a panic attack threatens. And it doesn't feel real. I feel like I am standing up at an AA meeting to tell the room i’m an alcoholic, because the courts say that I have to. Plus everytime I talk about being gay or gayness at all I am always able to fit in the conversation somewhere that maybe, It might be possible that I’m not actually gay, and its all something I made up in my head. When does this finally stop? Is this normal?
For me it just took time. Sometime in my 20's I figured out (ie: internally 'knew') I "wasn't straight" and most of my fantasies/daydreams were 'gay', but I didn't like it and tried as I could to push those thoughts/feelings away. It wasn't until sometime in my mid/late 30's that I finally fully admitted to myself (and accepted myself) that I was bi (and closer to the gay end of it.) After that I took a risk and went to my first PrideFest (something a part of me had been wanting to do, but the other part wouldn't dare risk). Once there I felt totally at ease, and even like i belonged there(that being an odd feeling for me LOL), kindof a bit of a thrilled/happy feeling(can't truly explain) which lasted for a week or so after. ------ That all said, I'm not "out" (except to myself). Don't wish to be, and where I live it really wouldn't be a good idea either.
Yeah that's normal. Try saying "I'm gay" in front of a mirror. When you can manage that you're one step closer to fully accepting it.
