20 Male, Adapting?

Hi all! I'm new here, I've been reading the forums for about a month now, and finally decided to make a post about myself. So here I go.

I always knew I had some sort of attraction to guys, but I always thought it was natural to compare yourself to other guys, and on some level it probably is normal for straight guys to compare themselves to each other, but being that all my sexual thoughts are about men, even with female encounters I've had I'm still thinking about guys. So I'm definatley gay. Theres no doubt there. At this point I have accepted it and I have one very good chilhood friend that I can talk to about it. So I'm starting to peek out of the closet a bit.

Accepting it for myself has raised alot of questions, and it has made some things in my life better. I'm far more confident, and I have been able to shed all the "highschool" insecurities I had. So those are all positives, and if I were to look back 5 years, I would say I'm much happier now then I was. (Not that I was unhappy before, I'm just new and improved now)

What about being gay makes me want to always put my nice clothes on and care about my hair, and all the witty jokes, the witty jokes never end... anybody else having this problem? And all of a sudden, I can't stop saying "Awful". Its awful. Where did I get all this from?

I'm actually looking forward to coming out to everybody, I know its going to be awful, but It just feels like I'm lying all the time ( and sometimes I am ). I can actually feel the words " I am gay" sitting on my tounge all the time when Im talking to guys about girls.

However I've got a big trip planned with a few male friends, and I don't want to put that at risk. So I'll have to wait till christmas time, I'll probably have my own house by then too, so I won't have to live in the storm, when I do tell my parents.

One thing I'm struggling with is the future. I never really seen myself getting married, even when I thought I was straight, I just firmly beleive that love shouldn't need a ring and a peice of paper to be true. My views asside, I have always seen my future as having a wife and a kid or two, and having grandkids, and I think that would be a super enjoyable experience. I just can't let that idea go.

I also struggle with the youthfullness of being gay. You just don't see two old dudes sitting in there rockers on a porch growing old together ( well probably would, but its just not seen in the media). So I'm kinda freaked out about growing old gay. Right now I would just love to jump out of the closet, with a shnazzy hair cut and killer threads, but when I'm 40 I don't see myself being so much of a highlighter. I just don't want to look like a 40 year old goof ball.

I'm currently pursuing a career in the trades, (I'll give you a hint I work with wood ). The struggle will be real though, you kinda want to strut your stuff and tell all the other sexy stud tradesmen out there that your a gleaming rainbow and put yourself on the market, but you don't want to do that either because there are lots of people that work in the trades that will throw hammers through you, and shove you into 5 gallon pails. God guys that work hard are sexy!

I live in an area where agriculture is very prominent ( we all drive trucks, and drink beer "cause thats what guys do") and along with that, theres lots of homophobics, I'm freinds with a few people that claim to be homophobic, but I think its more of a sexuality preservation thing for them, and for others they may be deep seated in the closet (yes you I seen you eyeing that guy up when he lifted up his shirt). Needless to say it will be interesting to see who sticks around after the fact.

Now please tell me about your lives! I'm dying to know! I guess I just need to hear it from somebody else that I'm normal because I don't have any gay friends yet that truly understand.
(!)

 

It was definatley a struggle to tell the one person I have told. Trying to get those words out was pretty brutal, I was chocking up for sure, but as bad as I wanted to Weep, I didn't though. And after I did tell her, it felt like the weight of a whole truck was lifted off of me. Since then I've had my ups and downs but its been more positive than anything.

Theres definatley an awkward sensation when your around "the guys". When the guys are talking about girls, and you have to fake intrests. "Uhhh.... her boobs are nice....". I think I could tell most of my friends one at a time starting with the people I trust most, A large group would be a completely different bag of apples.

Being gay is the ultimate catch 22, you want to meet people, but its hard to meet people without putting yourself on the market.