I've always known that I was attracted to men ever since a young age. Women were/are aesthetically appealing, in the sense like everyone else I think they're beautiful and pretty but do absolutely nothing for me in a(n) sexual,emotional, and romantic sense. Men on the other hand have always been on my mind and I can definitely say I appreciate them in all aspects, especially romantically and emotionally. That being said, growing up I just never found myself thinking about sex that much and while I definitely found myself looking at the boys around me and admiring their looks and personalities I just never thought of wanting to be sexually intimate with anyone. I do think a large part of it is because the environment I come from, dating or even mentioning you liked someone was met with admonishment and scorn so I just grew up with a very shame based feeling towards relationships and romantic love. Fast foward to when I hit my early 20s, I finally began to accept that I was indeed very much attracted to men and I accepted that I was gay whereupon my romantic feelings began to flourish. Even then however, I hardly felt the desire to engage in sexual acts and so I felt incredibly abnormal compared to other Gay men. To sort of fit in and "feel" what others were feeling, I forced myself into having sexual encounters with a couple of men, who were older and just not to my liking physically or emotionally mind you, and I ironically enough did not like the experience which all the more confused me into thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me and I was not really gay, much to my horror and dismay. I posed a query here sometime back and people suggested that maybe I look into the term "Demisexuality" which is really an orientation that lingers somewhere between Asexuality and all the other -alities. The defining trait of this orientation, for those unaware, is the fact that a person only feels sexual attraction/desire after establishing a connection with another person. Naturally I was overjoyed when I came across the term because for once I felt something applied to me and I could finally articulate all that I have been feeling for almost two decades now, so I instantly began identifying as it. Time has passed since then and I have yet again begun pondering if this orientation truly befits who I am and upon more research I have surmised conflicting information that certainly do not mesh with who I am. For starters, an online source defined the orientation as: demisexual is often said to experience no primary attraction towards anyone, which means no attraction towards the immediate outer qualities of a person such as appearance, style or personality. However, the demisexual differs from the asexual in that they experience secondary attraction, which comes as a result of first establishing a deep degree of connection. Now, I have to strongly admit, that what was mentioned does not apply to me at all because I constantly find that I am noticing men,their looks,znd personalities. I feel as I have aged, I'm 24, that my attraction to men has intensified greatly and I feel it only serves to grow more. I constantly find myself admitting that different men I come across are visually appealing, handsome and cute, and I find myself falling for their personalities in more than just an "awww he's funny" kind of way. I also find myself often wishing attractive guys would talk to me and even flirt in efforts maybe a romantic spark could be formed. Now while I still can't bring myself to hooking up after my previous debacles, I still have urges to want to engage in sexual acts but only with the right guy, a person I've yet to ascertain. The reason I bring up the possibility of being a gay man with a low sex drive instead is because while I may not have the exact same normalized consistency for sexual urges as most folk, I can admit that sex instincts are very well apparent. Another resource I was reading mentioned the idea of porn and how that could very well play into demisexuality and someone said I can droll at an attractive man if there is a screen between us, but if that man was magically teleported into my living room and is now sitting beside me, my thoughts would then be more along the lines of "Ew, get away from me. I don't know you yet." If I knew him in person, I really would need to get to know him before I felt attracted to him. See for me, that's not something that applies because if the cute guy in the video were to appear in front of me, you can very well be damned sure I am jumping all over him. I find that I have sexual urges but they come and go like the tides, but I have to note that when they come flowing in they are INTENSE, I have an incredibly huge wave of sexual horniness that drives me absolutely insane. So basically everything I've mentioned does seem to negate the concept of Demisexuality, even when readily applying the orientation to me, I first and foremost felt that Homosexuality was more so an apt label and Demisexuality something of an attached notion. What does low sex drive usually feel like? Do you think it applies to me more than Demisexuality? Also while we're on the topic of attraction, noticed I've used the descriptors "cute" and "adorable" to describe guys I've been sexually into and while it may seem a tad confusing, I feel it's the best way I can describe my sexual feelings. The words "Sexy" and "Hot" really don't do much for me whereas the former words tend to tie into emotions, like if a guy is being funny and trying to make me laugh or if he does something adorable, I instantly get turned on, physically and emotionally, so I feel those words are more appropriate. Sorry for being so long, your help would greatly be appreciated!
I'd toss the demisexual idea entirely. There's no credible basis to support the idea that it even really exists. Of course, some people like and use that label, but there's simply no indication in any of the credible research, or among the majority of those who work with these populations to support the idea. As for the notion of people not feeling attraction to someone until they get to know them... that describes about half of the entire population and so the idea it's a separate sexual orientation is kind of pointless, because it is a very, very common experience. That said, low sex drive is very common. And often, people with low sex drive feel fluctuations where it can be really strong one day and nonexistent the next. This isn't a sexual orientation; it's a normal variance in emotions, hormone and neurotransmitter levels, and daily experiences. Another common co-occurrence with people who describe low or limited sex drive is other psychological issues, particularly depression or anxiety. The tip-off for me is the variance you describe in sex drive. That's a clear indicator that this isn't some mysterious and unrecognized sexual identity, but simply a normal hormone variance. Another issue often associated here: What's your drive to masturbate like? Is this a consistent activity, or one that fluctuates wildly as your drives do? How would you describe the experience? Is it one where you feel very strong, full-body orgasms, or much more limited genital orgasm? The former is ideal, but many, many people simply don't even realize what's possible and so they have the much more limited experience. This, too, is a byproduct of emotional access and connection to yourself, not to any sort of hardwired orientation. Overall, though no one but you can know for sure, I'd give it a pretty high likelihood that you've got a low-but-fluctuating sex drive that's perfectly normal, and you're gay. If I'm correct... the sex drive is something that can definitely change with time, particularly if there are other issues (as I described above) coexistent, but even without, this is something that you could definitely work on and improve. I hope the above is helpful.
You really need to research Demisexuality because a lot of what you said are listed as generic and basic misconceptions that Non demisexuals spout out especially the "half the population feels that way" sorry, you did not help.
Actually, I've studied the topic (and the broader field of sexology and the sexual identity side of psychology) quite a bit. The problem is, there isn't any credible research whatsoever, just a bunch of people making claims for which there's absolutely no credible basis, no research, no data, nothing but a bunch of unfounded claims. And yes, half the population *does* feel what demisexuals describe. The demisexual identity isn't nearly as special and unique and different as those who choose that identity would like to believe... At least, so say just about all of the credible professionals who work in the field. And... If you already knew the answers... Why did you bother posting? I notice you completely avoided the substantive part of my post that actually addressed your issue.
I am not sure what is the difference is between demisexuality and very low sex drive in this case? Even completely asexual people do identify as falling into categories of homo- , hetero- or panromantic - if they have interest in forming an asexual relationship with somebody. They do have preferences for gender just as sexuals do, because well, relationships are not just about sex. To me it looks like the OP somehow understands demisexuality as a completely separate orientation which is almost akin to being pan-romantic- but as far as I understand it, it is not necessarily so, its just a different way of developing attraction, which is not incompatible with having gender preferences in attraction. It does not mean that suddenly people of all genders are potential partners, as long as you have an emotional connection to them. People say they are demisexual and gay, or demisexual and straight, or bi - I don't see why being gay and demisexual or just gay with low sex drive should be so different from eachother?
Agreed, I feel like regardless of what it may be, demisexuality or just low sex drive, the truth of the matter is I don't easily seem to want to engage in anything sexually with just any guy. If a guy were to come up to me at a club and start grinding on me I'd feel really awkward and not the slightest bit turned on and same goes with If a guy I just met wanted me to blow him or have sex with him, again I wouldn't be turned on. Now If a guy were to take the effort and time to know me, would actively pursue me in efforts to chat me up in and was polite, funny, quirky, interesting and at the same time also was attractive to me then I would spend the entire day thinking about him and would definitely want to take things in a romantic direction if we indeed clicked. Bottom line is that I don't feel like most other gay men, I like the idea of sex but everything's just in theory for me, I'm not "on" most of the time and want to fool around, I'd much rather want to pursue romance first and foremost.
... and, just for the record, this describes probably half the population (at the very least, a ton of people I know, and a very common way that many healthy people describe the way they connect with others), none of whom feel the need for a special label to describe themselves. I'm not saying you can't call yourself whatever you want, only that what you're describing is in no way unique, unusual, or deserving of a special label.
Please, I got your message loud and clear the first time. You clearly don't believe in demisexuality and you've discredited a lot of people who identify that way when ironically enough you obviously don't understand my disposition or those who identify in whatever way but again, that's FINE. I really don't need to hear once again how my feelings are felt "by half the population" Go to any demisexual resources and you'll find that your sentiments, especially that comment word for word, are spouted by people who don't believe in it and/or try to invalidate those who do. My query isn't even about whether or not Demisexuality is a valid orientation, my intent was to get some clarification as to the distinction and possibly some guidance and/or support. If I wanted to hear someone tell me my experiences and feelings were invalid I wouldn't even be on this forum, I'd go to talk to your average person and have them talk down to me and tell me who I am has no validity. There are plenty of heterosexual women who focus on romance and emotion instead of sex, does that all of a sudden make an actual asexual's experiences invalid? Can you tell an asexual person "well half the population, women in particular, aren't as keen on sex so your identity is not justified" How does that work? Are you some kind of judge on differing sexualities? Have you done studies? Clearly there must be some validity to the existence of demisexuality for it to actually be accepted by groups of people. The same shit was spouted not too long ago by non asexuals who advocated that asexuality was not a valid sexuality and did not really exist. :dry: So telling me that for years growing up I hardly ever thought about sex AT ALL. That while others were going through their pubescent phases and sex crazy ,as is normal, I felt nothing ? That even after acknowledging that I was strongly drawn to men rather than women but still was thinking about romance and emotion rather than sex, does that make me the one and the same as someone who has a healthy amount of sex, and is able to function normally in those kinds of situation? Here's the thing, whether I'm Demi or not, who are you really to box me into something? The irony is you're telling me that I'm "not unique enough to deserve label myself that" when you're the one labeling me. Again, educate yourself on different sexualities because you need to rethink how you approach people's responses, that invalidating of one's experiences is not cute whatsoever.The experiences of "Friends" are not a good indicator fo whether or not a sexuality exists or not and if you're not aware, there are 7 billion people on this planet so unless you have gotten to know every single person and are able to empathize with their lives you have no say on whether or not something is "valid". Get over it. "Gay people judging me, no surprise"
I'm not judging. If you're getting judgment, you're missing the point, and that really isn't my intention. EC has about 10 times the number of people who read posts as who are members and post here. The reason I post these clarifications is to ensure that accurate information (i.e., information that's widely accepted among the professionals and researchers who work in the field) is conveyed, particularly to those who don't yet have enough courage to post for themselves and ask the questions. And that's a pretty significant portion of the population that EC serves. I totally get that there are communities that have differing interpretations, and completely different standards as to what constitutes acceptable grounding to promote the use of a word or label. Those communities are certainly welcomed to believe and advocate for whatever they believe in. However, EC is a little bit different. For one, we're a public charity, which means we have an obligation to our served community. One of our values and goals is evidence-based practice. And because language is so important in accurate communication, and because EC has such a large population of vulnerable young people, it's pretty important that the information conveyed is accurate. Now... "accurate" is, I suppose, debatable. EC as an organization has not taken an official stance on unrecognized labels. We have, however, taken a stance on the importance of evidence-based practice and the importance of the accuracy of information we disseminate. I, personally, interpret that to include accurate conveying of information about sexual orientations, based on the most currently available thinking I'm aware of among those in the profession. Yup. The fact that you hardly ever thought about sex AT ALL during puberty IS completely normal, if "normal" means that a large portion of the population experienced the same thing. Which they did. Sexual attraction, libido, arousal are all affected by many different things, and the range of "normal" is extremely wide. We don't (unless there's yet some other label I don't know about yet) differentiate between someone who masturbates three times in a year, and someone who masturbates 5 times in a day, yet that range is well within "normal", and nobody labels any differently regardless of which end of the spectrum they are at. Same (at least, with the majority of people) when we're talking about sexual attraction, arousal, libido, activity, and so forth. I think if you reread the last sentence I wrote in the previous post, hopefully you'll get that I'm not judging/boxing/labeling anyone. I'm making a factual statement that many, many, many people experience the same things that you are describing and choose not to label themselves as any different from anyone else. You're more than welcomed to do so. My main point is in making it clear to others who might have low sex drive, or not feel attraction until they get to konw someone, or who were late bloomers, or whatever else... that all of these things are ordinary, normal variants in a population with regard to sexual expression, that they don't need to worry about labeling themselves with some unusual label, that they fit perfectly well within the spectrum of normal sexual attraction/behavior/arousal/etc. They're certainly welcomed to use any label they wish to describe themselves, but many people get anxiety about being "different", and part of the goal here is reassuring people that what they are experiencing is completely normal, if normal describes a large segment of the population. That said, you're certainly entitled to label it whatever feels right to you.
Hi I've wondered the same thing about myself. I'm definitely gay am strongly attracted to to med n all the usual ways - face, body, key features. BUT what I want to do with him is hug, kiss, spoon, cuddle, be naked - yet I'm not really interested in genital sex, him tugging at mine - be having to his etc - and certainly not fucking either way. I dread relationships - as I dread when they'd want to have sex. what is this - somewhere between homo-romantic asexuality and fully sexuality? ---------- Post added 27th May 2015 at 09:34 PM ---------- Hi you mention it is very common - I certainly agree this is the case for many women - but rarer in men........ and even rarer in gay men...... I've yet to meet gay man that would wait for me.... unfortunately most gay men won't take the risk of being with someone sexually dysfunctional.... plus then IF you do meet someone who has a similar outlook, you still got to find them attractive and visa versa..... its near enough impossible!
Nope. It's well within the normal spectrum of human sexual identity/arousal/behavior, both for men and for women. You're most likely an ordinary homosexual guy. Actually, it's not nearly as rare as you think. I know quite a few gay men, ranging in age from teens to 60s, who have lower sex drive, and enjoy cuddling and spooning a lot more than sex. They aren't anything special... just, again, within the normal range of sexual expression.
