I don't know if I am gay

I've never attempted anything like this before and I'm afraid I may go on a little rant, so don't feel obligated to read the entire body of text.

Okay...(This feels a little weird so I'll just start typing and see where I end up...)

I am not really sure if I'm gay and I've been struggling with gender identity as of recent.

I am female and almost 18 years of age and I still have no idea about my sexuality. I'm hoping to go to university this year but I'm struggling to come to terms with whether I can actually express any aspect of my sexuality there or whether I'm just going to continue to be a coward for 3 years and maybe even the rest of my life.
I've never been in a relationship so I have no idea how they work (let alone how to navigate the pursuit of a relationship if you are homosexual).

The reason I say that I 'suspect' I'm gay is because I have felt attraction towards gentlemen it was only when I was 16 when I rather literally woke up and realised that I could experience attraction to girls as well.

I feel it important to mention at this point that when I was 12 years old I actually went through a period of being homophobic. I never openly expressed this fear and I wasn't really aware of anyone who was homosexual at the time. But to be honest, I never experienced any hatred towards that group of people because the fear was based around the dread that I might've been gay myself. I was already a little bit of an outcast who was considered strange and I had been bullied a bit before so perhaps it's possible to understand why I was so terrified of realising I might be part of a discriminated minority group. When I finally got over my homophobia (of my own accord) I began to familiarise myself with the different sexualities and gender identities for the sake of people who identified as such and since them I have accumulated friends (mainly on social networking groups) who can be classed as homosexual and gender queer in some form.

The day when I literally woke up and realised I was gay (or so I thought) was a little weird but honestly I didn't feel to upset about it. I was sort of dazed went round thinking 'oh god, I'm gay...' the whole day.

I've had rare attractions to girls the strongest attraction I ever experienced was in the supermarket (I probably reacted really awkwardly too...), but a very pretty girl with blonde hair was there with a group of friends (and I there with a parent) when suddenly this girl just smiled at me my heart literally jumped to the stars (cringing at that metaphor ^^') just by the fact that she smiled at me. Recently I've noticed a girl in the year below (the lower sixth at out school) and I have no idea how I haven't noticed her beforehand but she is probably one of the most beautiful people I have seen and what's worse is she's actually incredibly nice and respectful she often smiles to everyone who walks past her she even says 'hi' to me every once in a while and then I get all embarrassed and shy and just say 'hi' back in a really quiet or shocked voice (after that my cheeks begin to feel quite warm and my throat goes dry). Whilst this girl is lovely and such I don't feel an incredibly strong attraction. It might be because I'm not acquainted with her, all the gentlemen who've I've felt attraction towards I've often known for quite a while.

That's all the experience I've really had with my homosexuality but I've realised my gender identity goes back further to when I was much younger (still in primary school).
I sometimes forget about all these things but my earliest memory of being confused about my gender (although since I was so young at the time I didn't realise that it was classed as such) was when I was very small and seemed to think women could chose whether to have breasts or not when they were older. I decided that I would choose not to have them.
At school, I never really liked to play the girls' games, I liked playing with the boys. Games like tag were always fun but I wasn't allowed to play football with the boys on the account that I was a girl. But I remember that old age game 'kiss-chase' following the rules that the girls had to run after the boys and kiss them, although it was never officially recognised by the other children I always joined the boys team.

I was never really exposed to the concept of gender identity disorder as I got older and I only learnt about people being gay as I entered secondary school but developing into a 'woman' (as they would say) was becoming more difficult for me. Although I didn't mind dressing in girls clothes (because skirts and dresses are comfy) I became upset when I began to develop breasts and had a huge argument with my sister and mother about wearing a bra following an incident where the girls in the changing rooms teased me for just wearing a vest instead. I had a little bit of a scare about my first period (which turned out to be a false alarm) but I was distraught to find out that I was about to start bleeding every month (despite being educated about it at school). When my first period actually did come around I was on a school trip and had packed sanitary pads as an precaution so I decided to make little fuss of it and just to try and have fun. When I got back home my mother said I could have a present because she wanted it to be a 'happy time' when I went through the transition of becoming a 'woman', that made me uncomfortable, being a 'girl' was better than being a woman. I am especially uncomfortable about my periods I wish there was a way to stop them because I don't desire to have a child. In fact, I'm rather disturbed about the concept that I have a womb, I wish it wasn't there, I've never liked the concept of pregnancy and birth I think I'd have a mental breakdown if I ever got pregnant.

My current situation is confused. I've always acted a little more masculine compared to the other girls in the year and I converse with the guys much easier (usually) and I'm always a little jealous of how male social groups work, honestly I get irritated with what the girls talk about. Something that I've realised is quite poignant is the fact that the girls often talk about when they get married and how they always dreamt about it when they were young. I never considered marriage as a young child, I never developed an interest in marriage, I don't care for it now and I don't fancy myself as a bride. This is where I've also experienced complications with my family. They believe I'm straight, or at least, they want me to be straight. My mother generally disapproves of the fact that both my siblings have partners (these are secondary school relationships) so it's rather hypocritical when she talks to me about finding a 'nice rich man' as she would put it, I realise she is joking but I'm sure she wouldn't be fussed I were to be with some incredibly rich and successful person.

The other day, my brother (who is rather rude and abrupt) asked me straight out if I was gay right at the dinner table. I had to the play the 'of course not, I'm straight, you idiot' act but I had difficulty doing so and just gave him a strange look, but at that point my mother just intervened by saying 'No.' and reassuring him I was not. Later on she explained she said that because it was a weird question I didn't need to dignify with a response.

To be fair, I don't think I want to tell my family I'm gay (that is, if I am actually gay). When I was 13 I realised I never really liked them. I don't see them as family they're more of just the people I live with and have to put up with. I'm desperate to go to university because I want so badly to get away from them, they actually make me incredibly angry (I try not to express my anger because I don't want to get in trouble).
They'll make a big fuss about it, when it shouldn't be and I know that if they do accept it they'll join the ludicrous campaign of the 'it's okay to be gay' as if it's some sort of sad incurable disease.
These people whom I live with, they all act like they're for gay rights and they know what it's like and although I'm questioning I know they're out of line. My mother sticks to all those ridiculous stereotypes that all feminists are lesbian women who hate men (even if she says it as a joke I know she generalises). My brother said that people who are genderfluid are stupid; he can't comprehend the concept of being in different gender states. When I explained what a pansexual was to my family they just thought it was weird and my mother likes to assume that bisexuals are just 'confused' and will pick one or the other gender in later life and she also seems to refuse the existence of asexuals. You can see why I'm reluctant to let these people know how I identify.

I suspect that my orientation could possibly be pansexual and my gender identity is a rather more confusing affair, but I don't want to come out as gay or challenge the gender binary if I'm not actually gay or queer because I feel it would be an insult on the people and the experiences of those who are actually homosexual or queer.


Well that's it, rant over. I apologise for typing so much ^^'.

If anyone had advice or any similar experience I would be most grateful if you could share.

(and for anyone who read this entire body of text I applaud thee because I have literally written an essay ^^')

 

Thank you for your input, I think I can relate to your situation.

I'll see how I go but this was very comforting (and if you read that whole message you are either a super being, or VERY bored X'D)

But yeah...that was awesome of you to reply I am most greatful ^_^

(I like your picture by the way, it's cool )