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Confused girl needing advice here!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by BlossomOfAngel, Apr 26, 2015.

  1. BlossomOfAngel

    Regular Member

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    Hello all! My name’s Blossom, well not really, but you can call me that or Belle, as you wish ^.^. So, I came upon this website around last year but forgot about it soon after. I found it tonight again and got me thinking that maybe someone here would have a little idea of what’s going on inside my brain before I go mad.

    Here’s the thing: I’ve always been the introvert type of girl. I don’t like showing my “dark” emotions (I don’t like showing I’m sad, angry or things like that). I don’t mind sharing my happiness and being bouncy until being annoying but I’m not able to be “weak” in front of anyone. How does it relate to my problem? Most of the times I feel I’ve no emotions whatsoever and can’t trust people.

    So, I don’t understand my own emotions and that’s something that has been reflected in my non-existent love life. I’ve had one boyfriend (absolute disaster, typical failed teenage “first love”. Though I wouldn’t call it “love” because recently I found out that I didn’t feel anything for him. We broke up because he’d been cheating on me for “being too cold” and the only thing that hut was my ego) and after, one girlfriend. This girl… It’s kind of complicated, both relationship were like three years ago and I hadn’t paid much thought until now. But anyway, I met this girl, we became friends, then we were flirting with each other without noticing it (at least on my part) and one day she just told me she was bisexual and liked me. After thinking about it I decided to give it a try. I was confused, asking myself what had gone bad with my exboyfriend and the idea of being with a girl… Well, sounded quite good to me. We started to date, things were very hush-hush for a while but then they got out of control. I was scared of my parents’ opinion (they have never been really supportive with the whole LGTB thing, more like “it’s alright as long as it’s not in our family” which I don’t understand), broke up with her and kept going on with my life.

    And that leads to my current life! Since that moment it’s like I’ve been living in auto-pilot mode. Sure, I’ve had fun, cried, met awesome people, stressed over exams, had crazy university parties and the like. But it’s come to a time where everyone’s settling down with their love lives and that made me think about all that previous rant.
    What I’m looking for? For the past three years I’ve avoided love and any kind of related emotion. I just didn’t feel like it. I felt too tired to care so much about someone, I didn’t trust anyone to extend that kind of deep feelings nor did I think anyone deserved the “power to destroy me” nor my attentiveness. And then, suddenly, this year has been like the roller-coaster of “crushes”. And I’m using the word “crush” quite freely.

    There was this one Italian boy I met studying abroad. He was handsome, charming, older and a complete womanizer. The most typical Italian boy you’d imagine. We got along really well, we had fun and most importantly, we were looking for some “crazy fun” for the complete “studying abroad experience” without any commitment. I didn’t fall in love with him, not even near, I could have, but let’s be realistic, I couldn’t trust someone like him with my heart. However, I did sleep with him. It was my first time (don’t worry, not going into graphic details and I swear it’s related to my problem) but I didn’t see any of the supposed fireworks, sparkling lights and such people always rant about. To be clear, I didn’t feel anything at all once we got past the petting zone. I thought it could be because it was the first time, okay, fine, we went back home and we’re still friends.

    Next target, a German friend of a friend. Cute, really intelligent and seemingly sweet. We made out a few times but again, once things started to go past the touching zone, any kind of… Lust I guess, went out through the window. I’m pretty sure I developed a crush on him. I had never felt that way with any other boy and could see me in a few years still with him. Well, it didn’t happen, he turned out to be an idiot and I proved my previous assumptions towards love.

    There I was, suffering my first case of broken heart when I found myself checking other girls out and thinking about my past relationships and lack of sexual life. I even found out a starting crush on my best friend before… Well, crushing it. So, as I said, it got me thinking. Could it be I’m not really attracted to boys? Maybe I’m attracted to both genders? Or is it only a case of ice-heart?

    I’m really lost and don’t know what to think. Some advice? Thank you!
     
  2. jay777

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    It seems you have crushes on girls.
    You could think about if its the same for boys.
    There is sexual and romantic attraction, and some people need an emotional connection first.

    Well it seems you keep things bottling up...
    what about taking it slow, and talking about it ? Like really talking about what moves you, and your fears and hopes... often people do not react as intense as we thought they would.
    You could talk about it, about your fears and needs, hear your partner out, and see where it takes you.
    This needs an opening up, and you could make this slowly, as fast as you feel comfortable. But you could do it in a steady way, so that it does not keep bottling up but is adressed.
    This could also bring you more in contact with your emotions.

    hugs