... Well, it's not, and that's the problem. By definition I would be heterosexual, which would be allright if I didn't had this "little problem" (your choice if my pun is intended)... Don't ask me when I realized or how... I just know it. Anyways... It hurts... I don't know what to do with myself... I don't know how to stop or prevent myself from getting hurt everyday by wanting something I won't probably ever have. I don't want to make myself miserable, but I can't stop looking at them, I just can't... They are just... Well, they just hit me, and I feel it, and I can't look away... My eyes seem to be hungry for them, for every little detail, for their long hair, their smile, clothes, bodies, softness... Just everything... I felt comfortable before, when I had this stuff under control... (More or less...) Now that I'm feeling confident on my gender identity, it seems there are things that I have repressed for a long time, and now they are running free, doing whatever they want with me. I don't want this. I want it to stop. I need to stop it. I feel ashamed... It's just too intense and too frequent, and this kind of behaviour shouldn't have a place in my life. I just don't want it. ... And no, it's not "only sex"... It's the whole damned thing. It's the atraction itself.
Michael, I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your story regarding your gender identity and I'm unsure what "lumberjack" means. Do you consider your attractions to (I'm assuming) women same sex attractions or opposite sex? Why do you feel such shame about them? I've felt a lot of shame over my same-sex attractions, myself. What's helped me is realizing other people feel this all the time (even if it is more commonly toward the opposite sex, it is not strictly so) and that there is no harm in it. Observing and appreciating someone's beauty is natural and normal, and just part of being a human being. This was particularly difficult for me to deal with because like you I had repressed my attractions to such a degree that I did not really even know what true attraction felt like. When I finally did allow myself to feel it it was like being hit with sledgehammer of emotion. It can be a lot to take in at first, but I've found with time, and with acceptance, things feel less uncomfortably intense and more pleasant, as they should be. Fighting against it will only make your anxiety grow. Looking is a perfectly ok thing to do (just try not to leer at anyone :icon_wink), and it doesn't mean that you have to act on it, or that you will without control.
You are trans, correct? Is it the actual shame of liking women, the fact that you think straight women wouldn't like you as you are, or the idea that you can't be with them within a body you'd like? Either way, I'm sorry you're hurting. I really hope you find a way to come to terms with it. *hug*
It‘s about not having a chance. Even if I go all the way, the results won‘t be as good as if I had strted earlier. It‘s also realizing that being myself won‘t get me nowhere, and all I had before came after paying for it. It‘s also the envy I feel of people talking about girlfriends and wives waiting for them at home. Usually this doesn‘t bother me much, but lately it just grew stronger, as if I‘m finally understanding what I‘m getting into. I'll be glad not to have the guys pestering me anymore, but I won't have a chance anymore with girls either. Don't know, just ranting here i guess...
