Hey everyone! I am a 19 year old female who has recently started struggling with her sexuality. To say I am beyond scared is an understatement and lately I've just felt really alone and irritated. Ok so this began about 2 months ago. A little background info on me; I have liked boys since I was in kindergarten, but I have masturbated to lesbian porn. I have never thought about being in a real life relationship with a girl simply because before this I have never felt any attraction to females and I can't really say I do now. Ok so this began on February 26th 2015. I was hit on by a lesbian I had recently met and for some reason it really weirded me out. I think part of it was because she was female and another part is because I never really get hit on to begin with lol Anyway I felt a bit uncomfortable as she was getting way into my personal space and being really forward. I brushed this encounter off quickly after though and continued my day as normal and flipped out a bit over my computer not working. Anyway somehow the encounter creeped its way back into my head and it took over. All I could think about was this girl hitting on me and then I remembered I had given her my number after she asked because I didn't want to seem rude but I started question if I was secretly into her and maybe that's why I had done it. I've never had anything against gay people considering I have very close gay friends I just had never considered the idea I might be. So anyway it was all I could think about I ended up having a MAJOR panic attack where I called my Dad crying telling him I think I might be a lesbian. To say he was surprised was an understatement but he told me to calm down and stop crying. He then talked to me for about an hour asking why I thought this. After I told him about my encounter he couldn't help but giggle a bit and I began crying again. He was very supportive and told me he thought I was blowing this out of proportion, but if I was a lesbian he and my family would be very accepting and that I would have to learn to accept myself. He told me that it was my life and that I would need to live it in a way that I felt happy and that in order to be respected I would have to respect myself. He also said that when I felt down think about everyone who loved me for me and how that would never change. I felt a bit better but I still had this major worry on me. I ended up telling everyone in my family my thoughts and of course they thought I was silly for making such a drama out of it and told me gay or straight, bi or pink they loved me no matter what. Even though my family would be accepting it still didn't feel right within myself. So I ended up falling into deep depression and anxiety where I had to go to the doctor. They gave me PAXIl (antidepressant and anxiety pills). My doctor already knows me to be an obsessive worrier so he asked if it could just be my OCD acting up again and I told him I didn't know. He told me that was probably it and that I should try to relax. Anyway now I don't feel as anxious but I still can't shake this feeling that I might be a lesbian. Honestly I was very freaked out in the beginning but after watching loads of coming out videos I wish I could figure out if I am a lesbian or not just so I could be happy. I have read up on HOCD but I don't want to jump the gun so quickly on that. I have honestly tried to picture myself with a girl but I just can't see myself being interested romantically in one. I'll get these crazy urges to kiss girls where it'll just freak me out because I know I don't want to, it's like my mind is fighting against me and nobody's winning. I'm still attracted to men so it's extremely confusing. The part that hurts me the most is that I've become extremely paranoid, where I think I'm attracted to every single female and that I want to kiss everyone. I feel if I glance at a girl for more than half a second I was checking her out or if they look back we instantly had a "connection". It's awful and before I was super friendly and now I'm just depressed and angry all the time. The idea of being with a girl does not make me happy in the least bit but I can't shake the idea off so I keep thinking I must be gay. It's very weird and it's all I think about 24/7. So have any of you guys experienced this or have any thoughts about how I should handle this?
I think your dad may be right about this one, you may have overreacted. It could have been a natural reaction to not being hit on in a long time, maybe you appreciated that someone found you attractive? I have read an article about OCD and how it can make you think your gay/doubt that your gay, depending on where you fit on the spectrum to begin with. If this idea of being with women doesn't go away why worry about it and just act on it? I wish I had started having sexual encounters with men/women, who knows I might have been closer to figuring myself out. But of course, if you feel uncomfortable acting on such thoughts/feelings, don't. Do not put yourself in an uncomfortable situation, especially if you are a worrier, depressed and driven by anxiety. Just know that you're not alone and that it does sometimes take a while to figure things out. Stick to the positive, you have a wonderful family who love you regardless. :smilewave
