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Help needed. I'm very confused.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lostalterego, Apr 30, 2015.

  1. lostalterego

    Regular Member

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    Questioning
    Dear all

    first and foremost, I thank whoever that reads this, your help is greatly appreciated. Im really lost and I worry this will eventually affect my future marriage.

    I have been dating men ever since I was 15, and I'm currently with a boyfriend whom I've been dating for 7years. We are happy and everything is fine. I've never dated women before as it has never occur to me that I would want to. But so the problem is, I am a rather masculine female although I wear make up, wear dresses etc but I have masculine characteristics hence I wear the pants in my straight relationship.

    Since young, i always dreamed of getting married with my mr right and having kids with him to form my own family but once in a blue moon, I'll imagine myself as a guy having sex with some other hot chicks. I don't usually check out other girls on the street, nor do I fantasise about them but sometimes I have wet dreams of me having sex with a woman. This starts to become rather often after puberty. If I do watch any videos/porn that's girl on girl, I get turned on. So this led to me finally decided to try kissing and having sex with my best friend (she thought it was fun so decided to try it anyway). To Me, it was enjoyable and she said the way I acted was like how a man/ her boyfriend would have behaved during the intercourse. I used to think that I am a man trapped in a girl's body, but I can't bring myself to actually undergo any sex change because I enjoy being a woman too.

    What am I? Am I weird or abnormal? :frowning2: please enlighten me! :frowning2:
     
  2. jay777

    Regular Member

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    You might have a look here for a few thoughts that might help:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...9807-figuring-out-my-gender-identity-s.html#4

    This all is a spectrum...
    its up to you to find a place where you are comfortable with.

    There is nothing weird with that. People are individuals.
    Many people now say being tg has biological connections.
    So its nobodys fault, neither yours nor that of your upbringing.

    It just is as it is.

    A question could be: would you need a bit more male body to be more happy ?

    You do not have to have surgeries, for example. There is no such thing as being trans enough.

    And how would you like to be perceived ?

    Families are possible regardless...

    I'd say take the time you need but keep at it.

    You might look for some counseling, there are even gender therapists online.

    many *hugs*
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    From this thread and what you've been writing here I can make two guesses, but only in terms of possibility rather than probability. Feel free to provide more detailed information, including how often you feel these things later.
    The guesses then:

    1) You're not simply straight.
    2) You're not simply a cis woman.

    Those are guesses. And they say nothing about where you are on the sexuality and gender spectra (you are not necessarily entirely on them at all, btw).

    I suggest read a bit if you haven't already.
    Transgender - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Bisexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    Look around a bit and see if you can relate...

    Stay in touch <3
     
  4. lostalterego

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    Thanks Jay777!

    I've read the links and am still trying to digest what all that means to me.
    I guess to your question, I feel that im happy with my body and my dressing as a woman.
    But when I have any physical interaction with my best friend when we kiss, I somehow felt that my "alter ego" is a male and I project myself as the male figure and would want to have a male genital to have sex with her. But due to the lack of that, I feel disappointed that I can't feel the pleasure how I want it to. I'm assuming that I would have enjoyed myself having sex with her if I am a man myself.

    But then again, when I have sex with my boyfriend, I enjoy as it is. I didn't have to imagine im a guy or that he's a girl. I thought maybe I'm bisexual but my homosexual friends told me that I couldn't be because I don't have an attraction from a girl to a girl, but as girl(guy persona) to a girl. So the more I asked, the more I got confused.

    I want to know what describes me because it's quite difficult to live without knowing what exactly is your sexual orientation etc. Oh and to put it to a test, I wear unisex clothes when i met my best friend and it made me feel like a man. And she said the way i carry myself totally changed unlike my usual self with my bf because i wouldn't be THAT masculine. If that makes sense?

    Oh and i realised i have an inclination to want to play male characters whenever i play videos/computer games, and when i have to write stories (for fun), i tend to write myself in the shoes of a man.
    I don' know what I want or others to perceive myself as but I do know that when I'm with my best friend, I tend to behave like im her boyfriend and her real boyfriend would get jealous asking why am I acting strange. Gosh.

    Sigh.
     
  5. lostalterego

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    Thanks triflow
    I read up your links, trying to digest too.

    Can you explain how /why you guess the two possibilities?
    It can provide some clues to me too to figure out what's what. :icon_bigg