Okay this is my first post on this site as 1 month ago i couldve never imagined myself to ever be here. Im an 18 year old male who has been 100% straight my whole life (had numourous sexual partners, girlfriends, always fantasized over girls And has never found Another male sexually attractive). So basically i have been with my girlfriend for 1 and a half years and but recently i have been very frustrated that my friends have had sex with more girls than me. I have also found myself not wanting to have sex as frequent as i used to and when i do im always looking at her bum or imagining other girls. Anyway recently i have just returned from prague as i went to a film festival with college. However, the whole festival was about the gay/bi-sexual community and i remember a film being about a straight dude becomming forced to become gay by his mum. With this already being stuck in my head another dude on my course started acting very camp while drunk and was teased by others. Anyway, when i returned home i started noticing guys staring at me, i started feelig very awkward and self concious. I also wore a pink hoodie and that made it worse. Anyway i got high with my friend and while i was high i thought ' what of im gay' and i FREAKED out. The next day i could not have sex with my gf which lead to other thoughts such as 'am i gay'. I cant get this worry put of my head and googling made it horribly worse 'i found out at 19' etc etc... I came across hocd but personally i think thats bullshit. I cant walk the street without gettingm freaked out everytime i see a guy. I keep going back to reassure myself but i keep panicking. I read that watching gay porn will make it better as it will make me realise that i dont like it. However i really dont want to watch gay porn as i am scared that it may make me hard. Am i a closeted gay? The thing is that i wouldnt care coming out or losing friends as i would like myself no matter what. However i really think that im straight and i keep watching porn to reassure myself. I know that i could never have sex with a man but i keep getting really anxious with doubt. I cant imaging having sex with girls or feel attractiveness due to the anxiety. I realise when a dude is good looking but never have. I ever thought to myself 'damn i want to marry him and have sex with him'. I have had sex 3 times since this has happened and it has been successfull but i still am anxious that i am gay. Help!
Oh, this seems to really be stressing you out :icon_sad: Firstly I would say not to stress and then just take one huge, deep breath. From your post, you sound really afraid that you may be attracted to guys, and might even be forcing yourself a bit to 'be straight'. I was always a big supporter of LGBTQ rights, but didn't start thinking that I might be bisexual until a year ago and freaked out, then became frusterated and confused, because everyone is taught to assume that they are attracted to the opposite sex, so it can be a strange feeling to experience same-sex attraction or the possibility of it happening to you. We live in a society where heterosexuality is normalised so when you saw those films about homo/bisexuality it might have made you realise something about yourself and your attractions that you hadn't before. I'm not saying that you're bisexual or gay, but if you are, there is nothing wrong with it, and it's something that you shouldn't be afraid of (*hug*) The more you stress or reject anything about it, the more unclear everything for you will be. It could just turn out that you are a little bi-curious, are completely straight, or anything else on the spectrum and in-between. Why would being gay or bisexual freak you out so much? It could also be internalised homophobia that stops you from accepting any part of you that's not straight, or you're worried how other people might see you. I'm not sure how accurate watching gay porn would be over straight either seeing as some straight guys or even lesbians watch it too :rolle: Just don't reject or fear your own personal attractions and it might become clearer. Someone told me when I was trying to figure it out a while back to think of what your attractions would naturally be without being exposed to so much heteronormative media or what other people expect you should be attracted to, and that really helped me.
The first thing I want to say is I am glad you are reaching out to our community and I am glad also to hear you are allowing yourself to explore these recent events to discover the meanings. As far as the number of people your friends have sex with in comparison to you- sex is something private. The amount of people you and your friends sleep with is a number you keep to yourselves, it's not a race, game, or competition....sex is something special expressed amongst the individuals involved. Whether or not you are gay, I do not know. What it sounds like though is that you have some internal homophobia. The thought of being gay and enjoying what those relationships have to offer scares you. When I first questioned my orientation I was frightened because of what society taught me about gay people. I never had a problem with other people being gay but the thought of me being gay was scary. As for testing things out, only try something if you want to experience it. If you don't want to watch gay porn, then don't. If it is something you are wanting to try or feel excited about, then definitely go for it. It's okay to have thoughts, attractions, questions, feelings, etc. We don't want these things of course to consume us. And we aren't required to 'test' out our thoughts. That being said you don't have to suppress your sexuality. All of these things are okay. It's okay to be where you're at right now. Whether or not you are gay is not so important as allowing yourself to experience the thoughts you are having. Whatever turns you on, let it. Whatever feels good emotionally, let it. (*hug*) Keep in touch and let us know how things are going.
