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Asexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by aindrias, May 1, 2015.

  1. aindrias

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    A few months ago, I admitted to myself that I was gay. I felt good about it. I always said I wasn't very sexual but I always felt like I was in denial. Now, I realise I was in denial about being gay and that I am asexual. I am a 21 year old male who doesn't have a sex drive. I really don't want to be asexual. I hate this. I feel pointless. I feel like there's nothing to be proud of about being asexual. I feel lonely and I feel like I'll probably never form any close bonds.

    I have always found boys handsome. I have been sexually aroused by the 'bear/cub' type men, and I had / continue to have occasionally some strange fantasies (not at the minute, though. Also, these fantasies weren't about having sex with them. That never occurred to me.) which I got hard over but I didn't masturbate. I just played with myself. But I have never felt the need to masturbate. I didn't know how to - I suppose it's something that comes to you instinctively. I only had wet dreams. Last week, I managed to climax while awake for the first time. I was quite a mechanical affair. It was difficult and it took a while. I have done it a few times since then but I feel discouraged. The pleasure only really kicks in very close to the climax and it's quite uncomfortable before then. Even the things that used to arouse me don't arouse me now, and my dick seems a bit lifeless. This is as of a few days ago. I think the fact that I'm kind of down over this is the reason for that. Maybe I'll cheer up and it'll be business as usual, not that there's any business going on but I could easily get it up in the past. I really don't know where to go from here. I have no friends. Being gay opened up a lot of doors in my future - I had the thought of boyfriends to look forward to. Now, they're closed again and I don't know what will become of me. The thought of being abnormal is bad enough. The thought of having myself for company for the rest of my life is hard to bear.

    I suspect many people will be sceptical of my claims. I wish they weren't true, but they are. Whenever I think about this, it hits me that there's nothing I can do about this. It kind of feels like one of those dreams after which I'm really relieved to wake up and realise it was just a dream.