This might be a bit long, so bear with me... My first serious relationship was with a girl, and we dated on and off for almost two years. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship. While we were dating, I was confused about my sexuality and super depressed, so I ended up having some flings during our "off" times. I slept with a few other girls and a couple of guys; however, sleeping with guys disgusted me. I don't know if that was because I was drunk and sad, or if it was because I wasn't sexually interested. Penises have always grossed me out, and the male body doesn't turn me on. On the other hand, I love being with women. I've identified as a lesbian since I was 17, but I'll admit that I'm probably more demisexual. I'm not really attracted to anyone except for my current girlfriend that I've been dating for one year now. We're not officially engaged, but she did give me a promise ring recently, and we plan to move in together this fall. I love her more than anything. I love having sex with her, I think she's adorable and beautiful, I think we have an amazing connection, and I feel like I can tell her almost anything. The problem is, I'm still a bit curious about guys. I know that this probably stems from wanting what I don't currently have and pure curiosity. I don't fantasize about having sex with guys. In fact, I don't fantasize at all, unless I'm thinking about my girlfriend. I don't really have any sexual desire that isn't aimed at her. I just wonder what it would be like to date a guy, or kiss one. There's a guy I work with. He's super sweet and incredibly nerdy. I would never even dream about dating him, or having sex with him, but I do have a tiny crush on him, and I've often considered him as a backup plan in case my girlfriend ever dumps me (I have horrible anxiety when it comes to that type of thing, so the thought crosses my mind often). I guess my question is, what do these thoughts and feelings mean? I would never leave my girlfriend for someone else. I know that. I've cheated, and I've been cheated on. Both are terrible. I'm at the point in my life where I just want to settle down and be with one person, but these weird thoughts kind of get in the way. I guess I just wonder what I'm missing out on, or I think that I didn't explore my sexuality enough before I settled down with her. It's confusing. And what I'm feeling isn't sexual desire. I don't have sexual fantasies. I guess it may just be my anxiety. Who knows. Mostly, I just wanted to type my thoughts out for my own benefit, but if anyone has any input, that would be helpful.
