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bi-curious? bisexual? lesbian?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by bluediamond, May 4, 2015.

  1. bluediamond

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    I've wondered for a long time if I was bi, but I didnt grow up in an environment where i felt comfortable allowing myself to think much beyond "maybe". But since I began dating my current boyfriend and moved out of my parent's house a couple years ago, I've felt more comfortable with exploring my sexuality.

    When I started looking at pictures on the internet, I found I really liked f/f or f/f/m entertainment and never really found straight f/m arousing. The one exception is bdsm and I often fantasize about being overpowered by someone or a group of someones either male, female, or both. But when i look at "vanila" sex with 2 people its 90% f/f.

    I've always been very open with my bf and we had talked about threesomes in the future or going to strip clubs to help me figure out if i am really attracted to women or if i just liked fantasizing. Last weekend we went to a strip club and, sexually, i loved it. (There was part of me that felt like a terrible, horrible person for paying women to let me look at their bodies... I'm ashamed of that part). But the fact is, at the end of the night i kissed one of the ladies and I knew I didnt just like guys anymore.

    The more i read about stuff, the more excited but scared i get... How do I know if I'm bisexual and not bi-curious? Or a lesbian hiding behind bisexual? Will my sexuality change over time and it will ruin my current relationship? Am i romantically attracted to men and sexually attracted to women? Am I open to other relationship configurations like a ffm triad?

    So many questions....
     
  2. Invidia

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    First, bisexual or bicurious? The distinction is in my very limited experience with bi- people online and offline, often one of romance. It might be a tough question, but are you capable of being in love with other women? If yes, you are likely bisexual. Otherwise you might say you're bicurious or heteroromantic bisexual (often similar terms). This doesn't make you any 'less gay' or 'less bi', there are people who are more attracted to the same sex sexually, but still cannot feel romantic attraction for the same sex.

    Are you a lesbian...? Forgive me for being frank, but does your boyfriend get you off? Do you have romantic feelings for him? If yes on both or either, the answer is likely no.

    If you love your boyfriend and you're attracted to him, sexuality won't get in between unless you let it. Love sees no gender.

    And about you being scared. Some might disagree with me here, but for me I see my own fear when it comes to sex and gender stuff and other things also as worthless except for that they might help me become stronger. I destroy them, I let them burn, not by apathy, but by standing up to them and actively fighting them. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic, I am serious.

    Hope that helps! Good luck, and you say "So many questions..", well, do continue :slight_smile:
     
  3. bluediamond

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    Thanks for your advice and help. I do love him, and we can get very googly-eyed at each other. I wouldn't say I think he's physically hot, but I do enjoy sex with him. I never really liked looking at naked men in general, not like women.

    But I don't know if I could be romantic with a woman... Last year there was a girl at a restaurant my bf and I went to a lot who I thought was really pretty and all I could do when I was around her was think about kissing her... is that a romantic crush? or just sexual?

    Should I explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with a woman while I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend? I don't want to ruin what we have. I've talked to him about the possibility of a triad, and we're both open to the idea. Although, it looks like a lot of work. haha

    Another random tidbit that might help with the puzzle: I've always felt that if I had to be with someone for the rest of my life, I'd rather be with someone who I can laugh with than someone I can have great sex with.
     
  4. bi2me

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    I think you are asking great questions! I consider myself bisexual, though without a lot of experience either way. I had one boyfriend who became my husband and a best friend who was ftf for a while in high school. I will spare you the gory details of last summer when I realized my hs experiences weren't a fluke, but at least for now my husband and I are monogamous. I am reading a really interesting book called Sex at Dawn which is (at least the first half) an anthropological look at sex (and economics) through human history. My current take... Agriculture kind of screwed us up in a lot of ways (not that I want to get rid of my cell phone). The book is totally heteronormative, but I think a worthwhile read (at least so far).

    He has in passing mentioned a threesome, but I'd have no clue how to arrange/orchestrate something like that, and I'm honestly not sure I'd want that.

    Feel free to write on my wall or here with questions or thought. Keep asking questions - it's the only way to get answers!
     
  5. Invidia

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    If you love him you're not gay, I can say that almost for sure.

    It might be that you sexually lean more to girls. Not conclusive though, but it's possible.

    I don't think that café thing was a crush... I can't tell for sure though. I'd advice you to mentally explore the possibility of being romantically attracted to other women, rather than extrovertly.

    It's not necessarily a lot of work with a threesome ^^ I almost ended up in one (I was oblivious until things were getting extremely obvious, and I still had to ask specifically what was going on ^^ ),

    I think that last puzzle piece states clearly that you value personality over looks. That doesn't say much about sexuality in itself though, though it might if for example you are more drawn to 'female personalities'...
     
  6. bluediamond

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    Thanks for your replies.

    I think the closest thing that fits me right now is slightly heteromantic homosexual, but a little of both in both categories. I can't say that I've fallen for a girl, but I wouldn't be opposed to exploring that possibility. The only problem with that then is my current relationship... How would I test if I could romantically be attracted to a girl without jeopardizing what I have with my boyfriend? And what if I dated and started falling in love with a woman and then my boyfriend realized he wasn't ok with it?

    You say threesomes aren't a lot of work... do you mean like a one time hookup between three people or a three-way relationship? I find triads bewildering and fascinating. I think they'd be more work because you have, in a sense, three individual relationships to nurture and maintain. But I also think it would be more rewarding and fulfilling, emotionally and sexually. I might start a topic asking about polyamorous relationships... I'd like to know if anyone on here has experience with them.
     
  7. Invidia

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    Or rather something like heteromance-flexible homoflexible...? ^^ I think you sound mostly just bisexual to me, just my opinion! Being bisexual doesn't necessarily mean you're 50/50 on both romance and sex, neither does pan. I mean, I have tastes myself, there are certain gender expression/dress codes I don't find very attractive, but the overall picture is 'I don't care', thus I'm pan.

    You keep repeating how you'd be able to test your attractions. I understand you're curious, but I think you should discuss this with you bf some more. A triad might be possible, who knows? BUt I also think it's important to ask yourself why you repeat this question so much?
    And yes, I meant a one time hookup
     
  8. bluediamond

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    I'm not sure why I keep repeating the question... I know I always waaaay overthink things and obsess over them until I fully understand it. I don't think of myself as unhappy in my current relationship. It's pretty solid, we don't fight too much (we live and work together so that's quite a feat). But even when thought I was maybe bi I and told him I wanted to have some sort of sexual experience with a woman before we got married. Knowing a little more about myself now, I don't feel like I could fully 'settle down' until I've explored all my options.

    When I started researching triads, I found a short clip on youtube from a documentary series of two women and a man all in a relationship together. When I watched it for the first time, I was amazed. They all looked happy and very in love. Honestly, I think there's maybe a tiny part of my heart that aches a little when I watch it... i don't know.
     
    #8 bluediamond, May 5, 2015
    Last edited: May 5, 2015
  9. bi2me

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    I can totally understand your fascination and also trepidation. I kind of feel the same way...
     
  10. Jax12

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    Bisexual certainly doesn't have to be 50/50. If you think the attraction is there and it makes sense to you, then choose bisexual. I've also heard of people's preferences changing overtime. I remember I was so interested in girls, but now I'm leaning much more for guys.