I've been reading posts on this site for a few years now. I've been trying to get a better grasp on my own sexuality so I read a lot of posts having to do with bi curious, hocd and similar questions about what sexual orientation a person most likely fits into. No-one will be able to tell me for certain if I am gay, straight or bi based on my post because no-one here knows anything about me other than what I am sharing here. So I'm not asking anyone to give me a definition of my orientation. What I am looking for are people who may have similar situations to mine and may have an insight into my predicament. I grew up thinking I was straight. I dreamed of girls at night even before I hit puberty and I had these hard ons at night that I didn't understand the nature of, even in 3rd grade. I always felt like I was trying to show off to the girls even before I knew about sex. I played baseball, basketball you name it and if a girl that I liked happened to be walking by I would try even harder to play better so the girl would notice. I grew up in a religious community so I never had any real physical contact with girls growing up. My goal was to get married around 22-23 and live a normal hetero life. I didn't really think there was any other way to live. But when I started to go out on dates I started to doubt myself. I didn't want to say it but the thought was just sitting there, that I might be gay. I got hard around the girls I was dating but in my community we don't touch each other until marriage. So I never experienced a sexual touch with a girl I was dating, though I have gone to a straight strip club, which was an interesting experience. But then I started to notice men and how they look. I would be on a date and I would be staring at attractive guys. I told myself to ignore it but my mind went haywire and for 4 years now I have been noticing guys and occasionally a girl here and there. But when I notice guys bodies, hair, faces etc I look but then I feel like I need to turn away quickly, like I'm afraid I'm going to be caught peeking. I try to imagine touching attractive guys bodies and I get a shot of nervousness going through my body, no erection. But it feels like arousal. To test myself I went onto gay porn sites and watched all different types of guys. I sit on my belly side while watching on my phone So I can stimulate myself more but I have never gotten hard watching gay porn. Must be just serious doubt. But here comes the interesting part. I like touching and hugging my friends because I feel like I am bonding with them but I also get this strange feeling in my hand and it travels up my arm and it feels good. I like the smooth feeling of men's arms and the feeling of touching pecs and abs. But it doesn't give me an erection. I even try to convince myself it will come but it never does. I cuddled with a guy, I thought he was an attractive guy. It felt relaxing to lie down together and touch each other but I didn't get an erection. I am trying to explore but so far I haven't gotten to a good place where I feel comfortable with myself yet. I should also mention I get a feeling, termed a groinal response whenever I sense a male within my vicinity, doesn't matter what they look like. That sensation is very frustrating because it's very hard to ignore. I just want to live a life where I'm not doubting myself. If I'm gay I think I should get an erection either watching gay porn or when I touch a guy. I don't know what this tingly sensation is so if anyone here has had this sensation without erection please share your experience. I have left out a lot of details that shouldn't really affect this question though they are important pieces to the puzzle. Thanks for your help.
Does anyone on here have any advice? If you need me to fill in some of the missing information just ask. I would appreciate it if someone would respond to my post. Looks like almost every other post on this forum has gotten a response.
From what I've heard, and you probably already know this, the groinal response can just be automatic and not because guys excite you. II hope a guy will comment here because I'm a cis woman and I don't know a heck of a lot about erections. However if you are in a religion where men don't touch women while dating then it's probably also a religion which is really not accepting of homosexuality. Having been in such a religion myself I know it can really do a number on your head and make it really difficult to consider sexuality, especially if you're not supposed to having sex or even kissing to see how you like it. That's just something you might want to keep in mind. (I'm not saying you're straight or not, like you said I can't say that. But those are my thoughts and I hope they help at least a little.)
I wouldn't go so far as to say you're gay, but you're definitely curious. Being a woman I know nothing about having an erection, but it sounds to me like you have sexual attraction towards women and sensual attraction towards men. Both are totally ok! And I totally understand the religion thing... That might be holding you back when it comes to figuring this out at well. In my personal experience, it definitely did. Best of luck to you, I hope I was of some help. :>
I posted about my experiences in the later life section under a post called "New and Confused". Anyway my experience was that it was my sexual attraction to men and the fantasies and desires that I had that led me to think I might be gay and the fact that the arousal was much greater and easier than with women. I get turned on much more easily over men. At first I denied it for many years but now just accept it. My attraction to women now is less sexual and more appreciative of their looks. Sorry can't comment more on your situation.
I may feel something similar. Mostly when I am only mildly interested in another person, male or female. Sometimes I might just get a little growth but not an erection. I'd term it a slight yearning for something. Not always a clearly defined something either. There are guys and gals I can sleep with and not feel anything sexual for. There are both that can make me erect just looking at them in the car next to me on the highway.
Thanks to those who have responded. Yea, I guess it's kind of hard to get advice on my issue because I'm sort of tying my question to ability to get an erection. And I'm sort of bottled in by my religion. But honestly, the religion part hasn't been such an issue. I don't really care that my religion isn't so accepting of gays or the sexual taboos that come with the religion. That's not really creating the doubt in my mind. If I'm gay I would gladly come out. I've already told my parents what's been going on in my head, spoken to therapists and a few friends. But I still don't get turned on by guys. Just get these frustrating feelings and then I notice guys are hot. So the girls on the site might not have as much insight into this as some if the guys would. But I'm glad that the girls know about the automatic groinal response feeling. It's the most frustrating sensation I have ever had in my life. But I guess my question is pertinent to girls as well because they also have a sensation that let's them know they're attracted to whoever they are attracted to. But for intro55 I want to ask if you ever had an erection around guys or while looking at guys. You are on the older side compared to me so you must've gone through periods where you had been turned on by men and that is leading you to realize you are gay. As I said in my post, I've tried to get turned on, I've gone to a gay bar, cuddled with a guy. I've done everything to get an answer. But I'm still confused. I just can't see myself in a relationship with a guy. It just isn't what I imagined my life to be when I was younger, when I was dreaming of girls. What have you done, or what feelings have you experienced that led you to believe you're gay?
I may feel something similar. Mostly when I am only mildly interested in another person, male or female. Sometimes I might just get a little growth but not an erection. I'd term it a slight yearning for something. Not always a clearly defined something either. There are guys and gals I can sleep with and not feel anything sexual for. There are both that can make me erect just looking at them in the car next to me on the highway.[/QUOTE] Interesting. Kindy14 So I guess that's why you identify as pansexual. I guess we are all looking for something to make us feel like were complete, like our other half so to speak. Or if you prefer to go Freudian, then we are searching for what we are missing in our lives and finding it in other people. But do your attractions ever give you anxiety? Or can you look at whoever grabs your attention and just think, "wow, I would love to be with that person" without it creating an anxious feeling inside of you? I'll look at a guy and say damn he's got a nice body but no ounce of me has ever thought that by being with a guy I would feel complete sexually. I like the feeling of touching men but it doesn't go to the next step of being sexual. Though I do think in my mind what it would be like to actually make out with a guy. But if I am gay wouldn't those thoughts at least give me some sexual excitement?
hi, yes absolutley, if I look at at a fit naked guy I get an erection, even if they not fully naked, whether its in the flesh or pictures. Thats what I mean about getting aroused. Even in the gym changing room I struggle not to show my arousal if I see a fit guy . Hope that helps?
There are several members of EC who have left Orthodox Judaism or other religions with similarly strict gender roles and dating/marriage requirements. You might also want to put a post out there looking for those folks. Some people have trouble with arousal, etc. while they are in a place or situation in which they can't express their true selves. How old are you? Are you married or being pressured down that path?
Intro55 thanks for the response. Yea, until this point I haven't struggled with that. Never had an erection around guys. Bi2me I'm 25. I'm not married but I want to get married. Of course there is pressure to get married from my family and community but it's more pressure from myself. I am so lonely, spending so much time focusing on this issue. I have people to speak to but I just feel like I'm alone. I can't date girls right now because my heads not clear and I don't want to date guys because I just don't feel comfortable getting into a deep conversation with men. I've tried to have deep personal conversations with guys but I don't feel like I care to hear a guys personal life. it's just not fulfilling for me. I do struggle socially. I have a very hard time continuing conversations with people, of all genders. A lot of my conversations feel like I've prepared a response beforehand. I'm not spontaneous and I feel anxious, like I'm being judged on everything that comes out of my mouth and how I say it. It feels like my social skills are lacking which is causing my issue to be a global issue inside of me. I've been trying to become a more social person so I'm hoping if I give it enough time my anxiety around people will be subdued and I won't have this systemic doubt lingering over me. But right now it's very depressing for me. I've spent so much time thinking about this that it has really taken over my life.
For some people who are at least marginally interested in both sexes/genders, you can get married and be fine forever... For some people, it's more of a struggle. I think it depends on a lot of factors including how fluid your sexuality is and how that presents itself, who your partner is and what s/he/they expect from you in terms of intimacy and monogamy, and your expectations of yourself, your relationships, and your partner(s). Not to mention your community. I can totally understand how it feels to be thinking about it constantly. I kind of had a breakdown last summer (message me for details if you want them) and it lasted a while. Then I was ok a bit, and then it came back again. I'm good for the moment having realized that I need to be myself more around everyone else and not hide (sexuality or other ways).
