I find myself in a loop. In and out, in and out. I'm out of the loop at the moment, but within days, I'll be in the loop again. You all know my story. Since 2006, looping in and out of the denial of my sexuality. Thrown into it, almost as if it happened suddenly in what I call "Initial Infection," an event I don't talk about-- it wasn't sexual, it was psychological. A horrible person implanted an idea in my brain, an idea that has haunted me night and day every sunrise and sunset for almost ten years, now. Detracting from my halcyon days, walking through the beautiful overgrown grass, hanging over me like a shadow. Now I'm in and out, over and over. I get my rocks off and then I hate myself. It can take five seconds or several days but the result is always the same. I am repeating the same actions endlessly in hopes of a different reaction-- some call that "insanity," and while some say that only the madman never questions his sanity I must wonder if the fact that I keep repeating the cycle over and over makes me mentally ill in more respects than one. It's starting again, soon. Last time I was able to stifle it from January to April. It's back with vigour, now. What if I break? What if I finally break and have sex with another man? But then there's the question that frightens me even more: What if I like it? And even if I don't, how will I live with myself, afterwards?
Sorry, I'm new so I don't know your background story. My advice might not be relevant. Talking to an LGBT therapist would seem like the way to go... especially if you think these thoughts aren't actually coming from you but a result of something someone else did or said. But I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. It seems like you are scared, even terrified like this person has turned you into a monster. Liking men doesn't make you a monster. I came from a pretty conservative background so admitting to myself that I'm bisexual has been difficult, frustrating, and confusing. I struggle with feelings that something is wrong with me all the time. For me, my approach to figuring all this out is let yourself feel whatever you want to feel. I don't think there's anything wrong with 'thinking' things. And acting on those thoughts/feelings is only wrong if you aren't comfortable with it.
Yes...you can't help how you feel. You cannot control what you feel. The purpose of feelings is to feel them. Take in the feelings and emotions, absorb them, let them in. Don't force yourself to do anything; don't stop yourself from doing anything. Do what feels natural, and experience the feelings that arise. Don't worry about how X will make you feel. If you find yourself doing X, take in the sensation and *find out* how it makes you feel. Don't make decisions based on that, or put things into categories...just continue on experiencing and feeling. The world is too damned wonderful to live in fear.
I breakdown in fear every time I try to meet someone-- I'll just block all communication, delete every gay app/profile and completely change my appearance-- usually by shaving off my goatee. The only therapist I ever liked told me that my shaving off my goatee after feeling ashamed by my homosexual behavior was a form of self harm. I had to actually agree with him. I just bought a "bear pride" flag. I like guys, but my brain is swimming with fear, like you said.
Then stop "trying". Just be, dear. Feel how you feel. You don't have to *do* anything. If you feel an attraction...*enjoy* it, let it in, just focus on the experience of feeling attracted to someone. If (and only if) you feel up to it, talk to the person. Not with an agenda; just to do it. Accept that it will likely go nowhere. Feel what you feel then, too. It feels in general, like you are trying your best to simultaneously: (1) Fight off life; and (2) Force yourself into experiences you think you want or should have. Stop doing both. Let life in. Don't force yourself to do anything. Experience this weird-assed gift you've been given. It's pretty trippy.
I know what I want to do, I'm forcing myself to stop as what I can only call severe reaction formation. Life can be trippy, yes, but sometimes it's a bad trip. I guess it's a crapshoot.
You'll notice I didn't tell you to do what you want to do. I am only advocating that you actually experience what you feel and what you do...not shut it out. In fact I might go so far as advocating stopping *wanting* to do things. Just do things, and experience them. Life isn't a script that you have to force yourself through or force yourself not to go through. It's time spent in an environment that is too rich for our senses to fully take in. The trick is to let yourself take in as much as you can...because it's all so overwhelming that our impulse is to screen out as much as possible. If we don't learn to do more than that, then the opportunity is wasted.
But why my reaction formation? Clearly I'm aberrated by something. My whole life I've punished myself and denied myself pleasure of all kinds, not just sexual. Why do I react in horror when I should feel joy? Why do I associate my orgasms with death and feel like every time I climax I'm bleeding and that I've injured myself?
