Hi everyone! This is my first serious attempt to actually question my "straightness". I honestly don't know how to label myself and not sure I want to do that. I am emotionally (...and lately sexually) attracted to my best friend who happens to be a lesbian. We know each other for 3 years now and we are inseparable. I never had such a close relationship with a gay person before and never questioned my orientation since I kept falling in love exclusively with men. However, once I met her I felt such a deep connection at all levels and I instantly knew she will become my best friend. At the beginning she was in love with me and she would shyly show her affection without ever telling me that she liked me more than a friend. I kept blocking all her flirting attempts because that attention was new to me and I really couldn't afford loosing her as a friend...I guess that was the only reaction that I could think of at that time. During all these years we both had crushes but no serious relationships. We both found insurmountable defects to all the people we've dated and always ended up saying that we could never grow tired of each other...as friends (or not)...but in time it became obvious that there is a certain sexual tension between us and we often act as jealous partners whenever someone new comes into picture. Lately I have noticed and admitted to myself that I have feeling for her and I would love to hold her in my arms and kiss her. I don't feel attracted to other girls and I have never ever felt attracted before. I don't want to fall in the "i turned gay for you" cliche and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but interacting with her so often and pretending that I am not interested is something I cannot do anymore. What if we agree to have a relationship and I discover it was 90% just emotional attraction? I don't want to use her as an experiment and I definitely don't want to make her suffer. I would very much appreciate your input on this. Thank you!
I think it's definitely a grey area. If anything, you should talk to your friend about it, first see if the feelings are reciprocated. And, if it's entirely emotional attraction, you weren't being untruthful. If you're upfront in saying that she's not an experiment, that you are genuinely attracted to her, I'm sure she won't view it that way. That being said, it's the question anyone has if they have a crush on their best friend, straight or otherwise. Do you want to take the risk and see if the relationship blooms into something more or do you want to play it safe and stay friends? That choice is up to you to make, and I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for your replies! I highly appreciate that you took your time to read about my issue. I guess the real issue here is that (I hate to admit it) I will look like a hypocrite. While she was hitting on me I transformed the whole thing into a sisterly relationship and had a lousy discourse on how I strongly believe that one straight woman can have a gay woman as a best friend without ever questioning the friendly feelings for each other. I've been building physical walls while the emotional bound became stronger and stronger...now we hug so awkwardly and if someone had a look through our messages we might easily pass as a cheesy romantic couple. How can I tell her that in fact all these years I've been questioning and repressing my feelings for her? that I've been over thinking it and that I truly believed I got over this but now my feelings came back stronger than ever? Probably I should mention that she's been playing games with my mind lately and its pretty difficult to be rational right now. Usually I am able to take my own decisions, but now I cannot count on my brain that much...
I think you pretty much just say it just as you typed it... But what do you mean she's been playing with your mind? That doesn't sound so nice...
Well, bear in mind that she was probably questioning once herself, so she should at least understand things from that point of view. I don't know what you mean by playing mind games, but remember that it's possible to read too much into what people say when you have strong feelings for them
Well, last month I had to isolate myself from friends as I had work to do for a very important project in my life. We kept in touch but we didn't see each other. Then, when I came back, she and one of our gay friends decided to trick me to see my reaction. They told me that they had sex together and described the experience in great detail. I know the other friend has feelings for her so for me it seemed plausible. I had a cool reaction but I felt disappointed in a way...then she told me it was just a joke. Adding to this, she keeps on telling me whenever other past crushes contact her and she asks me if she should see them. She told me for the last half of the year she had a crush on a colleague, but now that they finally get to hang out together she doesn't like her anymore. She goes out and meets another girl that keeps calling her and asking her to go out but she writes me that she just decided to cancel the date because she realized its not what she's looking for. All these in just one week...and then she calls me and says she feels sick, she wants to cry, she doesn't want to spend time with anyone else but me and asks if she can pay me a visit, although she knows I am still busy with my work and I cannot afford to loose focus now. I know that she is confused and childish, but please don't tell me that this is normal behavior. Right now I would actually be happy if she would hook up with someone, at least I would be able to focus on my stuff and come back to the best friend status. She tells me daily she loves me and that we could never grow tired of each other. Once we were out with a group of friends and a guy asked her if she likes me, she said she doesn't like me, she adores me. This kind of things happened all the time and I turned a blind eye...because I am also confuse and the only certainty that I have is that I don't wanna lose her.
So it's not just me being crazy! I know its very juvenile and I tried to let her know (indirectly) that she is hurting herself by doing all these. That this kind of behavior is not mature at all and I for sure don't appreciate this. I guess I'll find a way to deal with it, but I keep spending way too much time on interpreting this situation.
The situation just got soo complicated!!!! I fee like I lost her and this time for good...would I ever forgive myself for not letting her know about my feelings? Her colleague just asked her out for a date, I know she will be very enthusiastic about it as she confessed to me that she needs so bad to be in a relationship... How am I going to see them together and pretend that everything is just fine? I feel so empty, I really don't know how to deal with this....I just can't. She was the only person that I cared so much in my entire life, I know that I've ruined my chances and I've contributed to the current situation. But the thought that she will never know that at certain moment I felt the same for her kills me...it's so unfair! Have you ever been through a similar situation? I really need someone's opinion on this ((
If you can't cope with just being friends then I see only two options, go for it and let the chips fall where they may or get some distance from each other. One things for sure, if you two are going to just be friends then you're both going to struggle to build a meaningful relationship with anyone else whilst you're so wrapped up in each other. Personally I would say you need to get this out into the open, but that's just me. All relationships come with a risk. If she feels the same then I'd suggest taking things very slow and go moment to moment. She really seems into you, albeit she is being immature in showing it.
The only problem for me now is to find the right moment...this would have to be after I finish my current work (most probably next month) so I will have to agonize about this while trying to focus on my work. The hardest thing would be to keep being sincere while avoiding looking like a hypocrite. She had so many attempts to get closer and I would always be the one to remind her that we are "Bros" and that we should remain like that. The current context doesn't help at all. The situation is pretty complicated ...although she is out for more than 5 years now and dated many women, she never actually got too far with them. She is basically a baby dyke, she didn't have sex with a woman yet. You see now why she is acting so childish. Her colleague is a player, I don't think she has feelings for her, but she will definitely try to have sex with her...and she will be her first one forever aka never gonna forget her. We've just talked and she told me she is going to have 3 dates this weekend, I don't even recognize her anymore. Why is she doing all these? As weird as it sounds, now I am more calm than ever, if she truly loves me, she won't be able to fall for them/her. If not, then I finally know it wasn't meant to be. I have a huge ego, I don't think I will still feel the same after she will break up with her colleague (the most probable relationship)...which I already predict it will happen. I deserve this, probably she suffered also while I was trying to push her away. I hope we will be able to keep our friendship, although under the present circumstances it will be a miracle.
