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I feel lost

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SearchtheLost, May 6, 2015.

  1. SearchtheLost

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    This may end up being long, idunno. (It definitely ended up being long) I've never done any form of social media (forums or chat or serious fb/twitter/etc included) because I get really, I mean really shy. Which is kind of weird because it's supposed to be the opposite. I only recently got over “so-shy-that-I-obtain-tomato-powers-just-by-strangers-glancing-at-me.” I’m actually pretty outgoing in a way now, and that occurred over the last two years or so. Mostly speech class I think. But I’m still very shy and… “Flighty” would probably be the best word, mostly online so I avoid it. But anyway, that's not why I'm here, is it? (Ramble...)
    So... I guess I'm just... confused. And lost. And feeling really empty. I don't think I'm necessarily depressed, just not sure about anything. I mean, I'm a fairly happy person, all in all, despite never being able to air my problems, though admittedly I just always figured someone else had it worse so I shouldn't need to. I guess that's kind of the real reason I'm here instead of talking to people in real life. Usually I’m the listener. I hear everyone’s problems and try and give them advice. The only problem is that sometimes I have problems. But there’s no one to listen.

    *deep breath*
    *exhale*
    Ok. So… In short.
    I’m so confused.
    I feel sick. And lost. And lonely. I couldn't sleep AT ALL last night. All because of this… Thing that may not even be a thing. Maybe I’m just… Having a crisis moment that occurred for no reason. Which makes me wary to make it a thing thing. But is the thing that i initially came on here wanting to find out about. I've spent almost the entirety of two days now second guessing myself and trying to watch Friends to keep my mind off of it but inevitably going back online and reading about either when people knew, or when they came out, or etc etc.
    Like, I had always kind of half joked about this thing and it’s relation to me, but I never thought it would, y'know, morph into this… Serious thing.
    I’m questioning my sexuality and I feel nervous and short of breath, rapid heartbeat, sick to my stomach just… UGH when I think about it.
    But not ugh like ugh gross, don’t get me wrong. I always knew I was at least bi-curious sexually, but I didn't ever stop to think that it might be more bi-curious of STRAIGHT sex but totally committed to girls because I simply never thought about actually having a female life partner, but I was never really sure if I'd have a male one either, but I just figured I was super picky and living in cute romances in games that don't nor ever will exist. I'm 18 and haven't ever dated or got close to someone. The closest I got was a dare an elementary friend and I made when we were kids and we kissed. I remember liking it but faking that it was gross since we were both girls, but again, I just chalked it up to sexual attraction over the years.
    There's a lot of little other things too that might not mean anything, but maybe they do. I've never had guy friends; I was too awkward around them and uncomfortable but I'm pretty sure it was never in a "You're cute" way. There was the occasional dude that I communicated with for a while, but just class wise, never outside of it. Then there's the fact that I've really liked the female body ever since I was little, though I put it in the category of "artist appreciating nice things." I hate drawing guys. So blocky. And I don't like abs. But I was always, and still am, into drawing soft curves and beautiful long hair to more recently curvy badasses with shoulder length chopped locks and tattoos (which I want, side note), but still very distinctly feminine.
    And anyways I’m so lost. And confused. And feeling a little depressed because I feel like things just got so much harder and there is absolutely no one I can talk to about it.
    But at the same time…
    This feeling reminds me a little of the way they talk about being in love or having a crush. I’ve never experienced either, but all the symptoms are there. It’s like… I feel… Excited. To find out more about this new thing. But if I am fully committed to women on a deeper, emotional level (and really, there are quite a few signs I’m realizing I should’ve thought about) then I’m not the… I’m gonna say “socially made aware (at least to myself)” lesbian. I like my hair too much and I like it long, though I don't do much but blow dry it in the mornings, and though I don’t normally wear makeup, I like to feel pretty and don't have qualms about dressing up for something special (but you can bet your ass that converses are going with that dress and that I'm not going near heels). But I also am not attracted to women who are more… Masculine. I like pretty girls, but not necessarily glammed up ones. (And it feels kinda weird to type it here, permanently.)
    But there are so many questions that I have tried to process by myself just like I have with every other problem I've had.
    But I’ve isolated myself to the point that no one is able to answer.

    But as I type all of this out (and I apologize severely for the length; I totally understand if it's way too much to ask someone to read. It's cathartic in its own way anyway.), I'm starting to think about a few things.
    I mean, to be quite honest, as I think on the idea of having a woman as a mate, for life, someone who will hug me from behind as I cook them breakfast or who I can kiss on the neck as they make dinner, someone who I can cuddle with and be dorky with and just all around weird with and be totally comfortable, someone who can teach me the ins and outs of just being ME and figuring what ME is… I think I can see that. And it’s so... beautiful. I yearn for it so badly it hurts. It's like this... emptiness in my chest. But… I just don’t think that see that beauty with a guy. It always seems… False when I try and imagine it.
    Again, all my life I’ve been uncomfortable around guys. I’m not sure why, I just could never quite reach out and have a connection. Which is weird because, for all intents and purposes, I probably should have been able to. I'm so addicted to video games, it’s sad. But it always would seem like a competition, and if I wanted that I would've done sports or been really into online play. I also never got when girls got all mushy over this guy or that; all I saw was a douche, a player, an asshole, and sometimes the guy that does seem like he might be genuinely nice, but I simply wasn’t attracted to him like a friend was. I always thought that I liked “skater boys” or “music boys”, y'know, lanky, medium-ish hair, cool eyes were a plus. But really I’m starting to think that I was just trying to associate feminine qualities to guys so that i “liked” them and even then it was just making them kind of attractive looking in my eyes (and they were only ever pictures, never really school kids). I still never got that "I wish I knew him" vibe, though. But at least when someone asked, I could give them a "type".
    I mean, I’m not saying I was miss popular in school with girls either, but it’s just so much easier to relate and it wasn’t really… Awkward for me. I don’t want things to be awkward. Not like that. I want a best friend who just so happens to be my lover.

    What's really sad is that this month I'm officially graduating from the Early College Program with Honors and an AA and then next month is my official graduation from HS, which I haven't been to in two years (throughout all of this time I was so focused on school, I've barely met anyone). So I don't even have the opportunity to find people there that I can talk to or join an actual club (which I'v enever done) like the Gay Straight Alliance thing (which even when I thought I was "straight" or whatever I thought about joining) because I'm leaving. And I'm so confused about my life right now too that I'm not sure when or if I'll be back in such a setting. All I have is my dad and my dog and sort of my best friend but she's so spacey that she's kind of shallow and really hard to talk about my personal problems with (she's still the best thing that has probably happened to me since she was the only one that I had to trudge through college with, she's just not great at reciprocating the whole "friends listen to each other" or at least not both ways.) But more friends than one are just too hard to water and I don't usually initiate conversation. I need a commitment that I can cuddle with, if that makes any sense.

    Aaand... wow. So sorry for the length...:icon_redf (Have I mentioned I've never done this before?) I better cut off now before I start rambling more...
     
  2. womaninamber

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    I just wanted you to know that I read it and I don't think you should apologize for it!

    I'm much older than you but I can relate to some of what you're saying. I also sometimes feel that crush-like excitement when I think about being with women. Though I have felt it for specific guys, too, so that's not the same. But it is confusing.

    But don't think all lesbians look and dress the same way, or date the same way. I'll let people with more experience than me talk about that but your hair length definitely does not determine your identity!
     
  3. SearchtheLost

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    Thank you for responding :slight_smile:
    I definitely don't think that all lesbians are one way or another, I was more commenting that... well I guess because I don't see many lesbian partners that don't have a distinct "masculine" part, for like of a better word, I feel more... I'm not sure the word for it. Separated, perhaps? As if it'll simply be that much harder to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I guess? Not only (should I pursue all of this and accept it and it turns out to be really real and not just some crazy mind slip) do I not think I'll give off 'gay vibes' to women since I look relatively 'normal' (whatever that may be), but I already know that I certainly wouldn't be able to pick a straight woman from a lesbian that I prefer, from a mixture of various types of naivety I'll wager. I dunno...
    But anyways, thanks again :slight_smile: at the very least, hopefully this will all put things in order in my little whirlwind brain eventually.(*hug*)
     
  4. sedgeling

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    I know exactly where you're coming from. When you described the feeling that you got when you first started considering it seriously, that was me. I had such a hard time even accepting the idea of it being a possibility. It really took some time to really start figuring out what I really wanted, and to be fair, I did some crappy things along the way that I'm not proud of, but I came out the other side. I had the advantage of having dated a boy, and knew that, even though I cared a lot about him, and I would have liked to be able to force myself to want him that way, I just couldn't. Eventually, I stopped feeling so insecure about it, and I'm a much happier person now.

    Furthermore, I get where you're coming from with the attraction thing, because I'm pretty similar. I just really like the more feminine girls, and I would be considered more feminine myself. Everyone just likes different things, and you should pursue the girls that interest you. And you're not alone in that preference. We also share the gaydar struggle. Mine is pretty awful. I couldn't pick out a lesbian in a room if my life depended on it.
     
  5. SearchtheLost

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    Haha the gaydar thing is definitely applicable here and what a great way to say it too XD but thanks for responding; I didn't think it would feel this nice to officially know that other people have had similar confusion/issues. Like I know that people obviously have had them and far worse than I, I'm assuming, but it's different knowing that and then actually seeing/talking to someone about it yourself
    So thank you :slight_smile:
     
  6. FoxSong

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    Yeah, I have the same concerns. I'm pretty much a tomboy, but still feminine and I'm just not attracted to masculine women at all. A bit boyish maybe, but they definitely still have to be feminine to some degree. And yeah, my gaydar is still "initializing" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. SearchtheLost

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    That's exactly it! Like I've personally always labeled myself as a "not super sports active loner tomboy" lol if that makes any sense. And I definitely am not into the high heel wearing, gossip makeup queen, but I like girls with anything from pixie hair to waist length hair (I've always identified people by hair, that's why I use it as a reference a lot ;P) and a perfect match would be someone who could teach me to skateboard and play games with but still be soft lipped and curvy, I suppose is the best description. XD
     
  8. FoxSong

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    Yeah, I get what you mean. I spend a lot of time out in the wild for my studies, and I like women who are feminine but capable as well - I'd get very irritated with the type of girl who would watch me change a tyre by myself because she'd be scared of breaking a nail. Or throw a girly fit if she sees something crawly :slight_smile:.
     
  9. SearchtheLost

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    Haha exactly! I need someone to help me save the slugs when they get lost in the middle of a busy sidewalk (sometimes I swear that's the only purpose for my earthly existence)
     
  10. FoxSong

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    Lol! I have such a huge soft spot for snails actually. There's nothing as cringe-worthy as stepping on one accidentally and hearing that horrible "crunch". :frowning2: And yeah, stopping to save tortoises crossing the road is a must.
     
  11. SearchtheLost

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    Right? I'm always looking at my feet to make sure I don't accidentally catch a slow lizard or a poor snail or some other creature. And I'm definitely always looking out for animals to defend out on the road and have no qualms about pulling over to save a snapping turtle that somehow thought venturing out from the near lake into the middle of the busy road was a Good Idea ^_^
     
  12. bluediamond

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    You sound a lot like me, except I'm bi... but I drive myself crazy thinking about how all of this is going to work, overthinking things and obsessing over them... Lost and confused, yep. It gets better with time though.

    And I was wondering how common it was for someone who's bi or lesbian to be attracted to more feminine females... I'd love to find a woman who's like me, feminine but not an overly "OMG!" popular girl, down to earth, doesn't mind getting her hands dirty but prefers them clean :slight_smile: Like you said "I want a best friend who just so happens to be my lover. "
     
  13. SearchtheLost

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    That sounds exactly like me. I can't focus on anything right now because I'm constantly thinking about how this is all going to work and I need to do something about this hollow feeling or like my stomach is crawling up my throat because that's what's constantly bringing everything up.
    And I've been wondering that too because, at least to me, it certainly makes it harder for me to even attempt to test any of this because I'm not sure what pretty girl is straight or bi or gay or whatever lol and sense I have no experience with dating period, that also gets a little stressful
     
  14. bluediamond

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    I know. I wish everyone who's LBGTQ... would wear a button or something that only other LBGTQ... people could see. hahaha But this forum has given me hope. There ARE people out there like us.

    And unfortunately, I don't think there is anything we can do about this "need to figure it all out NOW" feeling. Only time will tell where our journey will lead us. As upsetting and frustrating this is for me to realize, it is the truth.
     
  15. SearchtheLost

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    Man that would make things so easy... And yea you're right; I'm so happy I decided to just grow a pair and ask about this. I suppose you're right about this feeling, I just wish like a light could pop on and say "hey everything's clear now! Just go about your business. No need to think on this anymore!" XD
     
  16. mochii

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    This thread is super old, but just stopping by to say that when I began questioning a couple of years ago I felt the same. I actually fell in love with one of those skater boys when I was 18 and then shit hit the fan when I realized I wasn't sexually attracted at all and was solely sexually attracted to girls. So yeah it's a struggle, but I'm happy to see others feel the same way :slight_smile: