So last week I came out as gay to my mom and sister. Overall, it's good. I'm feeling much more comfortable with my attractions to guys. There is, however, one small problem. As much as I want to tell people that I'm gay, I feel as if that's not true. And while I choose to identify as gay, I feel that if I tell people that I'm sexual, it feels more right although preferences for me will change all the time which is driving the "am I gay/bi". I try to think of it like this. If the world was predominantly gay/lesbian and my attractions to the opposite gender existed, then it would make sense to identify as bisexual with preference for guys. Sometimes I'll have attractions to girls (and certainly not forcing it), and I've caught myself trying to "shut it down" because I'm scared (or something). Why is that? Am I experiencing bi phobia here? Does anyone know what I'm going through, or first thought they were gay but later changed to bisexual?
I'm actually the other way around (bisexual to gay). But before coming out the second time around as gay/lesbian, I really gave it a thorough thinking and even went as far as taking down notes on my previous attractions. It made me really depressed and I didn't know why. Those past few weeks were filled with so much questions and fears. What if I'm just in denial? What if I'm really bisexual and just wanted acceptance from fellow lesbians. But overtime I finally grew tired and eventually let that confusion go. I just thought to myself that I have the most amazing girlfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That thought alone made me believe I'm really gay. Today as I look at guys, I don't feel anything more than seeing them as relatives. I still do have occasional anxiety whenever I'm around them, this I still have to deal with but I know I'm getting better. I'm just wondering why you're scared of your attractions towards girls. Are you in a relationship?
Nope, not in a relationship right now. However I have had one dating experience (technically we weren't even dating) and I think that alone gave me a lot of fear because of how it turned out. At first, I'll have no problem starting a conversation so a girl, but as I start to hang out with her more I may begin to develop something for her and THAT'S when I get scared/feel uncomfortable, and kind of like stay away. It's odd.
I felt something with guys too whenever I was alone with them and even if those guys were just friends...really odd! It's a feeling that is suffocating and a bit disgusting. I never feel it when I'm in a group with them even if I'm the only girl, only just when it's only the two of us. I don't feel that with girls.
Jax, I've been following some of your threads, and to me it seems like your attractions may be pretty fluid. Maybe some days you feel like you're gay, and others you feel a little more on the bi end? If that's the case I could see how that would be confusing. Some people do seem to "slide around" on the spectrum, maybe you go from (as an example, not precise as I don't think I can measure your feelings for you) Kinsey 4 to 6 at varying points? Does any of that resonate with you?
I don't get what the problem is. Aren't you able to be attracted to both men and women? And if so, aren't you bisexual? Idk why your attractions to females scare you, though. Perhaps only you can really figure that out if you search deep enough for the answer.
Given all that you've said in the past, my guess is that you are, in fact, gay, and what you are describing as attractions to women are likely more in the "that's a cool person" realm than the "Wow, I'd hit that" realm. Most gay men have "bff" girlfriends that they adore and connect with... but wouldn't have sex with. The challenge is, as difficult as it has been for you to accept who you are, it's entirely normal, as you get to the point of accepting yourself, for a part of your unconscious to scream "WAIT!!! What about.... _________" as sort of a last desperate way of not fully closing the door on the idea that you're straight. For most of us, that's a challenge, but particluarly for someone like yourself, who's had an epic battle, it's likely to be an even bigger challenge. Of course... you are the only one that knows for sure. I could be entirely off. But I've seen exactly this situation in a lot of people who, like you, had real difficulties accepting themselves, so on numbers alone, it's my guess that it's just a red herring thrown in at the last second to make you question your decision (or keep you from actually *making* the decision.)
Eh, sexuality & romantic attraction are fluid. A lot of folks also use "gay" for a blanket term, so you can still call yourself gay if you want, or use no label at all, & just call yourself queer, or say you like what you like. I'm panromantic, but I have a hard time picturing myself with anyone with a penis. It just doesn't fit quite right in my head, but I've been attracted to cis guys in the past & every now & again it's appealing to me. I don't know that it's a fear of anything, maybe it just doesn't sit right in your head because you prefer (I'm assuming cis) men?
Yeah I don't know (or maybe I don't want to know). @TheStormInside I believe my sexuality is very fluid as you described. I really don't feel gay and sometimes I do. It's the back and forth like you mentioned that is annoying me. @Chip I appreciate your response. As a gay individual yourself, do you (or anyone here) ever experience those feelings with girls? That's where I draw the line between me identifying as a gay and a bisexual. As I did not choose to be attracted to older men, I did not choose to have these feelings to girls. I believe that if that I was truly gay, I would not be questioning myself to this extent. I would only be a matter of acceptance of my attractions in general. My definition of identifying as gay is the same as someone identifying as straight.
I've been going through some of this myself -- I argue with myself in my head, thinking I must actually be straight and just want to be with women in an abstract sense. It's hard to just look at my attractions because I don't get attracted to people as easily as I did when I was younger. And when I was younger I had crushes and relationships with men, so maybe I'm just being stupid here. Anyway I think you could still be gay even if you question yourself a lot. I don't think it's that uncommon. I'm not trying to tell you that you are gay because obviously I have no way to know that, but I think it's pretty normal to doubt yourself.
Well, maybe you are bi, then, Jax, but fluid. From what I understand there are plenty of bisexual people who experience their sexuality this way. As to your question about drawing the line, this is something I struggle with a lot, myself. I have some very minor attractions to men, but they just don't compare to my feelings toward women. For now I consider myself gay for this reason, but I try to remain openminded and would try to just go with the flow if I ended up meeting a guy I was really attracted to. Since this hasn't happened yet, though, it seems unlikely it will. Still because of my minor attractions I do worry at times I'm not "gay enough" to identify as lesbian. I think it's something you need to determine for yourself, though. GreatWhale gave me some good advice awhile back, which was to pay attention to what feels comfortable and "right" to you. When I try to identify myself as "bisexual" in my head, I'm filled with anxiety and worry. But if I consider myself "gay" I am able to relax and feel much more at ease. I'm not always *happy* about being gay, sometimes I'm downright depressed, but it still feels more natural to me a label, like fitting a square peg into a square slot, rather than forcing a triangular one through.
