Obviously I know that asexuality is a real orientation, but I'm wondering if it would make sense to choose asexuality as a lifestyle and to try to find a partner based on that. Basically I know I'm attracted to guys and not to women, but whether or not I want to have sex with men is a whole different matter. I'm 32 now and the one thing that kept me in the closet for so long was that I wanted biological children. Yes, I like men and I think they're hot, but having kids matters more to me than romance. Would it be ok to partner up with an asexual woman and only have sex to have kids together? I'm not sure. The thing is, I'm not saying I don't want to have sex with a guy, I'm just saying I don't need to have sex with a guy. Plus I've experienced having a strong crush or falling in love with a guy so many times only for it to not work out and I've realized along the way that no matter how intensely I felt for that person, given enough time I without a doubt get over it. Basically, I'm not sure if this is old internalized homophobia talking or if this is really what I want for my life. I've watched a lot of gay videos on youtube and I'm starting to gather that there is a lot of promiscuity in the gay community. The last thing I want to do is get mixed up in that. Plus, what if I don't want to have sex with my male partner anymore? He might end up getting it elsewhere and that would really piss me off. I want to acknowledge, though, that I've been telling more and more people that I like guys so I'm not saying I want to have a woman just to cover things up and look good to society. That's not what this is about. I want to live an authentic life. I'm just not 100% sure how I feel about gay sex. A part of me wants it but a part of me doesn't. It's all a bit confusing.
I also leaned toward asexuality for a while. Then I tried some other sex stuff and I found out that I was basically just bored of the old stuff. That biological children bit is tricky... but I don't think a straight relationship you're not into isa good idea... sry that's all I got for now, I'l get back, gotta sleep soon, lol hugs
I certainly wouldn't want a straight relationship that I'm not into, but a part of me feels that if we have an emotional connection and there's no pressure to have sex than why not? And mukumuku, I agree that you can't choose to be asexual. I suppose I should reframe the question as choosing to be in a celibate partnership.
Well, you can certainly choose celibacy. You can choose to not have sex if you don't want to. Asexuality as an orientation is no more a choice than gay, straight, or anything else.
You could be with a man and have a surrogate. There are lots of options for those who want biological children.
I know that the gay community has the reputation for being very promiscuous. But there are definitely guys out there that are not like that. I wonder if the YouTube videos you've watched are presenting a skewed view . . . I'd say the promiscuous gay guy stereotype might be similar to the flamboyant gay guy stereotype in the sense that because they are more "visible" they seem more prevalent.
I suspect that what is going on is, in fact, old internalized homophobia... Or, perhaps, remnants of the bargaining stage of the Process of accepting that you are gay (denia-anger-bargaining -grief-acceptance.) You would probably not be happy in a relationship were you couldn't express yourself sexually. It seems clear you aren't actually asexual but are seeking to be celibate for the purposes of being in a traditional marriage to have kids. That's fundamentally inauthentic and ultimately will deeply affect you in a way that isn't healthy. The obvious question in my mind: why not have a surrogate, or make a deal with a lesbian, or adopt?
Maybe it's burn-out? You keep trying and it never works out, until finally you're sick of it all? I think I might be going through a similar thing, but coming from the other side and doubting/moving on from my straight past. I don't really know what's going on in my case. It's like I have an incorrigible evil subconscious side that keeps finding new ways to sabotage my attempts at finding happiness. On the other hand, maybe it knows something I don't? Maybe it's trying to help me expand or explore my horizons or something?
