I don't know what my orientation is, and I don't want to put a label on myself or put myself in a box. I had a conversation with my mum, on how to know what gender I like in that way. She told me how we can't know properly until we experience falling in love. I told her how I am attracted to guys and think they are good-looking. She said many people feel like this towards the same sex, but it could just be appreciation. I told her I think I like them physically. She said okay then. She then said how personality comes first, and sex is just a small part of it. She told me to not put myself in a box of (gay) because there is always a chance I may fall in love with a girl. She said how most people are not completely gay or straight, but fall in the middle. She said how the media makes a big deal out of people being gay but most people have the ability to fall in love with either gender. I asked her how some people can only fall in love with the opposite/same sex, and she said that it is rare but possible. She said how I may have fantasties about being sexual with guys, but when it comes to actually doing it I may not like it. She said anything could happen in the future, and that I could fall in love with anybody, and I should never tell myself to just like girls or guys. I said how what if I have dates with girls and do not like any of them. She said just see them as friends then and do not force any attraction. She said how its a good idea for me to experiment in the future (Not sexual, but maybe dates with guys and girls and kissing and stuff.) She basically told me the most important thing is just to live life without labels and she told me how my brother felt the same way but once he finished puberty he just liked girls. She said that if I fall in love with a guy, and I make that choice to be with him, that it will be difficult. She said to be beware of the homophobes and stuff. I just want to know though, how can you differentiate between fantasies and real life? Even though I can have fantasies about guys, how will I know if I really will like it in the future? When it comes to my attraction to guys, I think a lot about the sexual part, and how I like guys in porn, but why does that matter? Can't everyone just fall in love with either gender, because love is based on personality? I have never experienced emotional attraction so how can I know? Meh.
Wow. Your mom sounds pretty great. Although, i think its not rare that people that people are only attracted to one gender... But, for fantasies and stuff, i don't have an answer. But i can tell you i had fantasies about girls a lot. I had some about guys too, but for me the "forbidden fruit" idea of being with a woman made it more exciting. I thought i was probably just straight with maybe a little bi-curious in me... until i expressed this to my boyfriend and he encouraged me to find out for real if it was just fantasies. Long story short: not just fantasies. Im not saying you should go out and test yourself. Im saying dont force yourself one way or another, just go with the flow. If you have the opportunity to go on a date with a guy and you are comfortable and dont feel pressured, go for it and see how you feel. Same goes for girls. You also mentioned different sexual attractions and loving personalities. They are separate. I know i like girls sexually (and maybe more than guys) but I'm not sure I would "fall in love" with one. Personality is more important to me. I love my current boyfriend very much and I want someone i can enjoy spending time with more than just have chemistry.
Sexuality doesn't have to be set in stone, and it may well develop over time. Likewise labels can be unhelpful when you're still unsure and not everybody can fit into a certain box. However, as you develop feelings and attractions to others you may find that in fact a certain box fits you just right and that is fine, too. So, when it comes to labels, take them or leave them as you will. The only thing I'd hang back on is letting fear or perceived difficulties prevent you from feeling what you may feel (i.e. gay attractions). Your mums experience, or your brothers experience, may not be yours. I personally find sexual attraction and personality are both very important and relevant to my experience of love, but again people are different. You'll discover your preferences as you build connections with people over time.
Your mom does sound pretty cool, but if you feel that you like the label gay and that it describes you, I don't think there's anything wrong with you describing yourself as gay. And experimentation like you're talking about is good if that's what you want, but if you don't want to date girls don't feel like you have to, because you can know your orientation without doing that. That's my two cents anyway.
Your mum sounds awesome, I wish every mum was like yours. But as for your orientation, if you do not want to be labelled or boxed then do not label yourself. If you do then do. As for not knowing, you are still young, some people know from a young age (I was 6 when I realised I was gay, though did not have a word for it back then), and others do not realise/accept it until much later. For me, the way I realised my orientation was mainly by watching how others were and seeing how I did not feel the same. But as I got older and puberty hit I started to become sexually attracted to guys/men/boys (what ever you wish to call them). But, do not let anyone else define you, only you have the right to do that, and in your own time. As it is different from person to person, it is relatively hard to say how or when you will know who/what you are attracted to, but you will know in time. And as for fantasies...Don't you just wish they WERE real life!? But on that, when I was a teen, my fantasies were one of the factors I knew my sexuality, they would turn me on and I would be attracted to that which I fantasied about. (*hug*)
Thank you everyone for the advice ^_^ It's very helpful. ---------- Post added 10th May 2015 at 02:14 PM ---------- I do kinda want a label, because it makes me feel more content and happy knowing who I am, but at the same time as my mum says, the label of "gay" doesn't describe fully who I am. I may feel like this now, but I may have the potential to go out with a girl and enjoy it. My Mum even said to me, what if I call myself gay and tell people now, then end up liking a girl? She said how labels don't express anything, and that I could maybe fall in love with either gender. She doesn't really have a problem with me using labels, she just doesn't want me at such a young age to restrict myself from experiences. Anyway, I kinda agree with her. I still crave knowing who I am and having a label though. My fantasies about guys are sexual in nature, and normally don't involve me (because actually thinking about myself doing it, when I'm under-age, is gross) and normally involve two masculine men. I use porn a lot when I masturbate, and it's always gay porn. I find women sexy and hot, but I never get turned on by them, more simple appreciation. Lesbian porn is "beautiful" lol, but it doesn't really do anything for me. Straight porn kinda turns me on, but that's only really because the presence of the man, and me imagining myself as the man turns me on but that's not really because I'm turned on just by the women but because the idea of me being a masculine man turns me on. When I was younger and in denial, I used to think like this, that I was turned on by the women, but I don't think I am. In fact I used to label myself as bisexual, because I knew I had attraction to men but thought I still must have attraction to women. I do kinda wish the fantasies were real life, but at the same time porn/fantasies may not be the ultimate story of my attraction. ^_^ Anyway, I'm just going to have to stop thinking about it and just live life.
There are so many labels out there, e.g. homoflexible... One day you might find one that describes you well, but if you're uncertain right now, try to take it in your stride. If someone you care about asks you, tell them how you feel, both the things you're certain of like liking guys and the maybes. Take care <3
Well the great thing is, you are so young. You have so much time, well the rest of your life if need be, to work out who you are, and even then you will most likely not know 100% who you are. How can we know who we are completely when we are forever changing. And that is one thing I do love, the changes. Becoming a new person, or at least having slightly different views and opinions than you used to. You will discover who you are one day, but until the day you do, just enjoy everything you have. There are so many labels out there that one will fit you when the time is right for you. (*hug*)
