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Confused. Am I bi/a lesbian or am I lonely or something else?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MirandaJK, May 10, 2015.

  1. MirandaJK

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    I originally wrote this post to my GBF of 11 years. He didn't reply to me so I'm seeking out additional help. When I talk about a conversation we had, I use the phrase "you" because he said those things to me. I edited it a bit so I took out the name of where I work, but I couldn't figure out a way to edit the description and still have it make sense. I also couldn't figure out how to accurately describe what was going on with it not sounding like a letter to a specific person without just rewriting it. I feel like a fool having written it once, especially with no response after about 4 days, so I don't know if my emotions could handle me trying to rewrite them.

    Okay, I'm going to draw out this whole story and situation when I could really sum it up in a few short sentences. I feel like I need to elaborate in order for everything to make sense; or prove that it doesn't.

    So here goes nothing....

    A few months ago, I started binge watching Greys Anatomy. Just like any other current/semi-current TV show, the script changes based on what is going on in popular media. This show started in 2005. In the third season, 2008, they introduced a new character. Long story short, two seasons after that, they introduced another new character. Both females. Again long story short, they got married, have a baby, just got divorced, ect. So during the 6ish season stint of them being together, they became my OTP. They were the couple I was cheering for and the only one I cared to see personal sides of. Medicine or them. Screw the other people on the show. Just like any other show, you have your favorite characters and that's just how it is. I watched about a season a week or a little less time so those 6 seasons took about a month. After the first week or so, I started having dreams where I had a girlfriend and the majority of the times, she ended up breaking up with me because I didn't tell people about her. It was weird to me at first. So I thought about messaging you and brining it up, but it just seemed too normal of a thing, sudden or not, to make a big deal about. So the next day or two, you ended up randomly messaging me. I thought it was a huge coincidence, but again, I wrote it off. It's nothing. Even if it is something, it's not a big deal. Then I thought back to the last time we saw one another, which we decided was when we went to see The Lucky Ones with Amanda and Zack. I remember us taking Zack to his grandmas on the way home.
    Amanda parked the car and she walked him to the door. She was gone for a little while and we were BSing in the car. I remember you saying, and I'm paraphrasing, but it's pretty close if not what you actually said, "you know Miranda, if you ever wanted to play for the other team, you'd make a good lesbian." I laughed at the fact that it even popped into my mind. What am I thinking? I like guys and this is just weird. Yet my dreams continued. Then I thought back to my first year of college. I remember feeling like I had crushes on a few of the girls there and I had a huge crush on this one girl that I'm still friends with. (But fast forwarding, she lives in Florida and has been dating the same girl for about 5 years now...don't go there! Haha) I remember thinking to myself even then, I don't like girls. Why am I feeling like this. It didn't make sense to me and when I transferred schools, (for completely unrelated reasons) It didn't happen again. So between thinking about college and the conversation you and I had, and the dreams I had, and the sudden obsession with these actresses who play these TV characters, I was just at a loss. I started thinking, maybe I do like girls too? So I looked up a thousand things and everything basically says you just "know." Well, what if I don't "know?" I've only dated one guy ever and it just felt weird the whole time. We were friends, but then when we started dating, it was weird. Then it turned into basically a friends with benefits type thing and we ended up breaking up because neither of us wanted that. The very few people who know that or just talk about their experiences explain a completely different experience then I had. It was nothing for me. Did absolutely nothing. (And I'm sure that was TMI.) so I thought back on that and thought, maybe there wasn't actually attraction. He's a nice guy and all, but what was wrong that my experiences were THAT far away from everyone else's? I looked up different sexualities and there are so many different things that it confused me even more; so I stopped. Then during this same time, I started back at my seasonal job. It's been about a month now that I've been back there. There have been several times, mostly within the first week of the season, that I've gone into autopilot and my body was moving and doing and saying what I was supposed to, but my mind wasn't there. These girls from my dreams were back. It's like daydreams and all of them (one at a time.) I'd be "dating," then I didn't "come out" to my family, so they broke up with me. And each of those situations took place at work. It was weird. Then with my job, there are 4-5 desert carts per floor each day. 4 are kept on one side of the stadium, the other is kept separately. The first week, a brand new girl was scheduled to work the separate cart. Because she had no idea what to do, I offered to trade carts with her. I enjoyed it up there and have worked up there every day I've worked since. Up there, I interact more with some of the suite attendants (in charge of the actual suites and making sure the guests have all the food/drinks they want ect) because my cart is in the pantry, where the other carts aren't. (Pantry is basically the hang out/office for the attendants where the drinks and phone are. I set my cart up in there so I spend a lot of time up there.) so then one of the attendants I worked with kind of caught my attention. I knew/know nothing but her name. It was about 2 weeks ago that that happened. Then suddenly, she became the girl in my dreams and the girl that always broke up with me because I didn't tell people about us. It became a little awkward being around her because I was feeling ways that I'm not sure I was actually feeling. She's not always working the same days as me and she's not always working the suites that work in that pantry. (We have 3 pantries which each have a few attendants assigned with them. Typically, I only interact with the ones who work in "my" pantry on any given day.) Today for example, she worked upstairs so I saw her a few times (because I had to run their deserts to them, as well as a few other things) but we weren't directly working together. I didn't actually talk to her today. So we had that one "home stand" from opening day until the following Thursday. Then we were of until this last Tuesday. It was about 10 days off. I started feeling different about the situation and the couple on the tv show were going through a divorce at this point in my watching. After they divorced and I wasn't at that job anymore for a while, I was "fine." No feelings either way about anyone. Male or female. Tuesday comes and everything is fine. So Wednesday comes and she's schedule to work Wednesday. And is scheduled for my pantry. The minute I saw her all the feels came rushing back. I panicked because I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling about anything and a got smacked with all these feelings, specifically when I saw this girl, and I don't know anything more than her first name. I'm in wtf mode at this point. So I texted you panicking and I wasn't sure what exactly to say and I don't even remember what exactly I DID say, but oh man. Then I got home last night and I actually looked up the companies schedule online to see if she was working with me today and tomorrow! (We don't know until the day of WHERE we are working, but I checked the schedule at all and that's huge. That's stalker status!) and today, I checked the breakdown to see where she was specifically working. Again, that is stalker status! Last night we were talking because she asked me what made me switch to that pantry every night and I explained that even though I've never been scheduled for that pantry, after doing it for the new girl the first few days, I enjoyed working with my team early in the day and then getting to do my cart by myself, whereas the other girls on my team hate being up there alone. They prefer to build their carts together and take them back down together.
    It really worked out well for all of us. They she pointed out that whoever did the schedule for last night skipped her suites and didn't assign any of us to her suites. I only had 1 suite to stop at and she was the next set of suites down so we decided that I'd cover her suites with her as well. So I worked the desert cart for the 1 suite, then her 3 suites. So between knowing her name and that little conversation last night (before creeping the schedule,) I really don't know her at all, yet I THINK I have some sort of feelings there. So of course I revert back to the fact that I feel like I've had crushes on girls before and the fact that the one guy I actually dates, it didn't feel really right, and whatever else, I have been questioning that whole side of my life. Could I be a lesbian or be bi? OR, could I have taken my infatuation for the characters written into a tv show and created this whole imaginary situation? I think either way, I'm probably over thinking the whole thing. I gave myself a week or so to figure things out and it seemed like everything went away, but then I see a specific girl and instantly it starts again. I'm just extremely confused.

    For the next two nights, she wasn't working in my pantry, but I seemed to subconsciously go out of my way to see her. All that while also trying not to talk to her or even make eye contact because I feel some sort of way and I don't even know what team she is on or who she is for that matter! I feel like everyone knows this. It's that moment when you dream something and the next day, it feels as if everyone else already saw the dream and just KNOWS. Because of where I work, I'm off again for the next little over a week. I'm concerned what is going to happen to my emotions between now and then, and then what will happen when I go back to work and see her again? And I'm asking myself what my infatuation with her is.

    Could I legitimately be attracted to her since I don't actually know her, but feel like there could be something there? Or am I just lonely and she happens to have been there at the right place at the right time? I just honestly don't know.
     
  2. bi2me

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    I'm sorry your friend hasn't gotten back to you. It sounds like you have at least some attraction to women, but how much will be up to you to figure out. Don't worry too much about the labels right now. They can be confusing :slight_smile:
     
  3. Lyana

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    Hello Miranda! Welcome to EC, and I really hope you find the answers and community you're looking for here.

    Having read your post, one thing sticks out to me. I may be completely wrong here, but it seems to me like you're focusing too much on actions. You're trying to find meaning in what you do, instead of how you feel. Your sexual orientation is defined by how you feel about certain people. I'm not saying actions are meaningless, but what's important to understand is the motivation behind the actions.

    a) Having a lesbian OTP? That could be a sign, all right. It could be nothing, and it's definitely not enough to draw a conclusion from (I have gay OTPs even though I have zero desire to be a gay man), but it's true that sometimes we identify with the LGBT characters on TV and start to obsess a little over them.

    b) Your best friend telling you you'd make a great lesbian? Definitely not a sign. What does that even mean?

    c) Dreaming about girls? Tricky; dreams are very tough to make any sense of. But this is actually how I realized I wasn't straight. Waking up from dreams about a girl for a week straight made it obvious to me that I had a crush. So I wouldn't ignore this, but it could mean... nothing.

    d) Not enjoying a relationship with a guy? Could be something else. I've definitely had a relationship with a guy I didn't enjoy, but I'm still attracted to guys. Maybe you didn't like the guy all that much, maybe you weren't at a stage in your life where a relationship was a good thing, maybe there were other factors.

    e) Having crushes on girls? Now we're talking. This is the stuff that's really going to say something about your orientation. Which gender(s) do you crush on? If you are ever emotionally attracted to people, which gender(s) do they tend to be? How about physical attraction? It does sound, to me, like you're crushing on that girl you're talking about. Plain loneliness shouldn't be enough to make you have feelings for a gender you don't find attractive.

    There's something I'd like to add, and that's that you wrote about telling yourself "I like guys." Is there any reason you wouldn't want to be gay/bi? Does it scare you? Because that may be an obstacle for you, right now. It seems to be stressing you out, when really, I promise: it can be perfectly fine. And maybe if you tell yourself "it's okay to be gay," you'll be in a calmer state of mind and will find it easier to figure out whether you're straight, bi, or gay. Also, it's okay to not know. There is no rush, and if it takes you some time, that's all right.
     
  4. MirandaJK

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    Bi2me, thank you. You're right; I shouldn't be focused on labels as much as figuring out what I'm feeling instead.

    Lyana, I feel like my biggest concern it trying to figure out what these feelings mean, but without perusing them, I don't feel as though I'll figure it out. My problem is, I wouldn't want to start having a conversation with a girl and if it turns out that it isn't right for me, I wouldn't want to hurt her. As far as telling myself that I'm straight, I feel like it was because I had never questioned it before. I had been attracted to guys my whole life. Until I went to college and I was 18. I started developing crushes on girls and the school I went to was all girls and a large portion of the population wasn't straight. I think the idea what something was "changing" in my life is what scared me. In reality, it may have been who I was all along. I just hadn't considered that so it was weird to me. In all of my dreams, I end up running back and telling my family to try to save the relationship and my family is always supportive. My siblings and I are odd. I've only dated that one guy and my brothers have never dated. I feel like if I came home with a girl (or they came home with a guy,) the family probably wouldn't be too surprised so I have that in my favor. That doesn't scare me. I feel like the idea of dating in general does because I'm not experienced in this field and now I'm possibly adding a whole new change and that scares me as well. I haven't braved the courage to look up the girl I'm crushing on on Facebook or anything to see if anything might be posted there because I'm afraid of her being straight and what that would do to my current feelings. Especially because I work with her. This guy that I dated before, we broke up 4 years ago and I still work with him. It's awkward and I don't want to put myself in that position again. Especially if it starts with me trying to get to know her better and that turn into everyone at work making a big deal about it. It's hard enough to date straight, let alone having to figure out who everyone else may be into.

    ---------- Post added 10th May 2015 at 03:21 PM ----------

    Also, thank you both for reading that and replying! I know that was a really long post. I hadn't realized until I actually posted it.
     
  5. Lyana

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    There's certainly no harm in having a conversation with a girl, but I understand not wanting to get into dating and then calling it off because girls aren't your thing after all.
    Plenty of people realize their sexuality later than you do -- you're plenty young. I knew I had crushes on both guys and girls when I was younger, but I didn't start identifying as bisexual until I was 18.

    It sucks that you don't think you can understand your feelings without pursuing them, though; that definitely makes things more complicated. Also, crushing on a straight girl? That happens. A lot.
     
  6. MirandaJK

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    I feel like the hardest part is opening up to someone and potentially being shot down. Of course, that happens to everyone no matter the situation. I'm just afraid that it would spiral out of control and a lot of people would find out and I'm not ready for people to know that I'm having these feelings yet. Especially if it turns out that I would talk to this girl and people would laugh and make fun of the situation. I'm fairly new to that job so I don't know how those particular people react to different situations. For all I know, she may not be straight. We've barely spoken so I don't know much about her, but I can't get her out of my mind. I have had crushes before, but not really to the point that it's as soon as I see a person. Usually, I'd get to know them and then start liking them. It didn't happen that way with her. I'm not back at that job for another 9 days, so I suppose I'm going to have to try to calm down and let myself breathe. Then when I go back to work next week, see how I feel. That happened last time we had time off. I was full of emotion, then we had a week off and I started to be able to calm down, then we started work again and I got hit with the feelings like a ton of bricks.
    I understand that crushing on straight girls will happen. As a girl who definitely likes guys either way, I've had crushes on quite a few guys that were gay. It's the same as crushing on someone who just isn't interested. It sucks, but you can't do anything about it.

    I appreciate the advice very much.
     
  7. MirandaJK

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    I feel like the hardest part is opening up to someone and potentially being shot down. Of course, that happens to everyone no matter the situation. I'm just afraid that it would spiral out of control and a lot of people would find out and I'm not ready for people to know that I'm having these feelings yet. Especially if it turns out that I would talk to this girl and people would laugh and make fun of the situation. I'm fairly new to that job so I don't know how those particular people react to different situations. For all I know, she may not be straight. We've barely spoken so I don't know much about her, but I can't get her out of my mind. I have had crushes before, but not really to the point that it's as soon as I see a person. Usually, I'd get to know them and then start liking them. It didn't happen that way with her. I'm not back at that job for another 9 days, so I suppose I'm going to have to try to calm down and let myself breathe. Then when I go back to work next week, see how I feel. That happened last time we had time off. I was full of emotion, then we had a week off and I started to be able to calm down, then we started work again and I got hit with the feelings like a ton of bricks.
    I understand that crushing on straight girls will happen. As a girl who definitely likes guys either way, I've had crushes on quite a few guys that were gay. It's the same as crushing on someone who just isn't interested. It sucks, but you can't do anything about it.

    I appreciate the advice very much.