I'm in college and I'm openly gay, yet not too fem. I've been best friends with a guy for like 8 months now. We are literally like ALWAYS together. We have been just really close friends and but within the last months I have had the thought about us being more than friends on an almost daily basis. Literally when we're around each other I feel happiness that I have never experienced. He isn't like the PERFECT looking person yet I find things about him really attractive. He often and very often point out girls that he wants to "smash" and I just act like I don't care lol. We go to college parties together and always go out to eat and shit. A couple of weeks ago he was DD and we were coming from a party & I had a little bit much in my system. I was being calm and collective and we were on our way back to his place (where I was staying because I was drunk) and then he asked, "how did you know you were gay?" Being in my drunken stupor I don't remember the whole convo but I remember him saying that after his last relationship he's questioned his sexuality he says that he can see himself with a guy emotionally yet the whole "sexual" thing he isn't into. I told him that it could be normal because most people do question their sexuality at least once in their lifetime. I told him that I would rather have that convo when I'm not drunk so I could give him a more accurate answer. That morning I text and ask him if we could have that conversation again and he said he wouldn't mind. The next time we hung out we were chilling and I brought it up. He brushed it off and switched subjects without entertaining the question. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable so I left it alone and never brought it up again. I'm really torn with what to do! I REALLY enjoy having him as a friend yet I'm curious on how it would be if we took it to the next level. I've never had a straight guy friend this close and I really appreciate what we have. I need advice on what to do? Do you think he's gay?
Hi there! Well, I've been in a quite similar situation (though not exactly), only from his perspective. So I don't know how useful my input will be, but I hope I can suggest what his take on it might look like. I think there are a number of reasons he could have brushed that conversation off. It could be that he feels some sort of attraction to you, but this has left him divided between his loyalty to you as a friend and the potential to go to the next level. Maybe he feels that if he were to try and take things to the next level with you there's too much risk of hurting you or both of you in the process and feels it would be irresponsible of him as a friend. You say you really appreciate what you have, but he probably does too and he might not want to risk losing that. Also probable is that he's still grappling with the feelings he's having- he might still be trying to find out what his feelings for guys are and doesn't want to do anything until he has an answer. His feelings sound like they could be complex- he mentioned emotional attraction to guys, not sexual, but I think it can often be hard to find the line between platonic feelings and emotional or romantic feelings. So it might well be that he doesn't want to talk about it because, well, he doesn't know what he'd be able to talk about. Then there's the possibility that he does know what he's feeling but isn't accepting it yet. If this is the case, I think it's best not to confront him on this- it could put a strain on the friendship and stress him out. If he isn't ready to accept his feelings yet, confronting him about them might make him uncomfortable or even try to distance himself from you a little. In any case, I think you're an important friend and you mean a lot to him. You two are very close, and I don't know what he's like or what the dynamic of your friendship is, but I'd have thought he trusts you a lot telling you something like this. For most people, you don't tell just anyone that! Personally, I think the best approach here is a laid-back one. He seems to trust you, but also needs more time to process this (whatever it may be). As such, I'd have thought directly confronting him about it could freak him out. So I think you just need to be there for him, make it known to him that he can talk to you about anything. Maybe hint at the conversation, to see if he wants to talk, just don't try to make him talk. Let him re-initiate that conversation when he feels ready.
Sam, you have no idea how much I appreciate you. I have taken the backseat for so long just because I don't want to be the one who gets heartbroken if the feelings aren't mutual. I will definantly continue to be there for him for he's a sweet person who knows more about me than most people. I have been thinking that I won't even bring up the conversation until he does again.
No worries I'm glad I helped. If you think he'd be okay with it, I don't see any real problems in maybe indirectly talking about it, like bringing up a loosely related subject, just avoid a direct approach. There's no reason you guys can't continue to have an awesome friendship, and indeed I hope you do! If you think he might be feeling awkward about this whole thing, I think it might be worth making a gesture to him to tell him everything's still as good as it was and that he hasn't made a mistake. You know, invite him to stuff, or have a deep conversation with him- something to say "that conversation hasn't affected anything so there's no need to worry". Anyway, I wish you the best
