Ok so. My life story. I am a college student, age 20. I am not sure if I am lesbian or not. I believe that I am, but I really don't want to be. But I also doubt my sexuality a lot. Only my two closest friends know that I am questioning seriously, and they both thought I could be lesbian before we started the discussion. I have slept with a number of guys in my life, and I have slept with one girl recently. It has always seemed natural for me to date guys. Boys would try to date me often, and I have realized that I am good with getting guys interested in me (I am a charming, fit female). I have been in two long relationships (about 2 years each) and had some random hook ups in between. I didn't enjoy the hook ups at all, and although the sex with my boyfriends were pleasurable, it often felt like I was forcing myself to do it for them. After my last breakup about 6 months ago, I kind of just did myself and refused to start talking to any guys, until about a month ago. I really liked this one guy because he is easy on the eyes and we have a lot in common. He also has been pursuing me for almost a year, and I felt that he deserved the chance. However, I had no desire to become intimate with him. Kissing him was fun and it felt good, but whenever he would try to start something more, I would want to stop everything immediately. It came to the point where I didn't want to hang out with him alone because i didn't want to do things with him that badly. I just lost all desire to do things with males in general. I also don't want to be in relationships with guys anymore. Just after going through those long relationships, I realized it just wasn't for me All throughout my high school and college years, I have been having random lesbian thoughts and moments. -First, I know this is weird, but I was a part of a really close group of girls in high school. We all thought it was funny to randomly kiss each other without warning, like a sneak attack. I kissed over 10 girls in one day once. It seemed like I was the only girl to take the game seriously. - I met my first lesbian the summer before college. I remember wanting to ask her how she knew she was a lesbian because I wasn't sure. She was in a relationship, and I remember thinking how much better homo relationships must be than hetero. - I binge watched two seasons of Orange is the New Black in about 2 weeks during last summer, a year after I met the lesbian. Holy sh*t. I never watched hetero or homo porn before, And I know OITNB doesn't really count as porn, but there was not a day that went by that summer that I didn't fantasize about girl on girl action, or picturing myself in those scenes with Alex Vause. - I made out with one of my female friends at a party right before winter break, a few days before my last boyfriend and I broke up (the breakup has been coming for a long time). I spent the whole break thinking about her and I even made her an amazing birthday gift, hoping that I could win her over and get her to date me. I wanted to date her. We madeout twice after that, but nothing more. She really wanted to be in a threesome with me and another guy, but I was only interested in her. The threesome never happened, and we stopped making out, because she became interested in a guy and started to pursue him. Even after all of this, I still dismissed the fact that I could be a lesbian. I never even considered it, which thinking about it now seems so crazy. I believe that I was too scared to honestly consider it, and just dismissed the thoughts or actions of just being a college female. I still talked to that guy, and continued my life as a straight woman. But then one night (about 2 weeks ago), after me and that guy fizzled out and decided to just be friends, the topic of me being lesbian came up to my two closest female friends. We have always joked about me being a lesbian before, but this time they were serious and wanted to help me figure myself out. I told them everything and they both 100% believe that I am a lesbian. They forced me to honestly consider being a lesbian, and made me be real with myself. I never did that before. While we were having this conversation in one of the girls dorm room, the girl that I madeout with walked in. I haven't told anyone that we made out, but the truth ended up coming out. The other girl admitted that she is bi curious, and my closest friend had the idea that she would give me and the other girl her room for the night for us to experiment and try to figure ourselves out. That happened, me and the girl madeout, fingered each other, and I ate her out. The next morning, it became very obvious that the other girl wasn't a lesbian. She is just a horny girl, looking to get it in with anyone. She admitted that the experience made her realize that she was straight, but it made me more scared and confused. Me, a lesbian??? I can't be.... This is the most confusing situation I have even been in in my life. Ever since that experience, all I can ever think about is my sexuality or what my life would be life if I was a lesbian. How would I hit on a girl without her being straight and creeped out? When should I come out? Will people judge me, or treat me different? What will have to happen so I know I am 100% sure? I don't believe that I am bisexual, but I don't know which one I want... Sometimes I would think (like right now), Yes, there is no way i am NOT a lesbian. But other times I think, but wait that guy is real cute. And to make things more confusing, I have had 3 heterosexual dreams in the past week. Only in one dream I actually had intercourse (the male actually kind of made me have sex with him), but the other ones were me actively trying to date a male. These dreams are making me think I may actually be straight. I know I shouldn't label myself, and just wait for me to fall in love with someone, male or female, but I'm so impatient. I want to know what I am now so I can plan accordingly. I want to come out, but I don't want to come out and tell everyone I am lesbian, only to find out I am actually straight. I know my parents are accepting of gays and lesbians (my mom more than my dad). I know this because my mom has gay friends, and... my brother is gay. Yes mom, there is a chance that both of your only two babies are gay. You know what that means? No real grandchildren... no passing down the genes that you worked so hard to give to us.... Sometimes I feel that my mom needs me to be straight because of my brother. My brother has never been with a girl, but he knows he is gay (he is 17). He has it all figured out. So, I can't have him be the straight one. This is also another reason why I think I might be straight. I look at my brother, and there is NO way he could ever be attracted to girls. He is just 100% gay. I could be attracted to guys if I really really tried, like I have with my past two boyfriends.... This is true, but I do know that I would rather a girl. I also know that I would make a GREAT girlfriend to a girl, and I know I'm only an alright girlfriend to a boy. I kind of even treated my boyfriends like they were girls, being very sweet to them, wanting to be the big spoon, etc. I've always been attracted to boys that are skinnier than me, or that I thought I was more powerful than. I want to be the man in the relationship. I want to have a girl that I can spoil and protect and love unconditionally. Thank you all who even just take the time to read this without response. I need to just let all my thoughts and feelings go out in the open, without any commitment or repercussion. Thank you so much for your time.
Wow you sound quite a bit like me! I also seem to treat boyfriends like girls, want to be the man in the relationship, you took kiss-chase type games more seriously and you bingewatch OITNB! I'm wondering if youre maybe in denial about being a lesbian and youre clinging to the few things you have that make you seem straight. To me, it definitely doesnt seem like youre straight. On the scale, like me, youre probably more towards the gay end. You mentioned that you look at your brother and dont think he could ever be attracted to girls, but yoy dont know. He may have had crushes on girls in the past or secretly like them in some way or another. I think that as sexuality is a spectrum, alot of gay people decide to identify all the way on the gay side, and suppress or hide any same sex attractions they have. I hope this helped a bit, your post was quite long so I just replied with the things that stood out to me the most. It sounds like youre both sexually and romantically attracted to girls, but had some trouble with guys, and that says it all really
This was pretty long but I'll try my best. You say that you don't want to be in relationship with guys anymore which leads to one thing: gay. So yes, that is a possibility but I think you should explore whether or not guys still attract you because its one thing to say you don't want a relationship with a certain guy and another thing to say you don't want a relationship with any guys. Check that out. You seem to be very interested in the physical relationship with a woman and you said you rather be with women so I think that's pretty self explanatory-- but what about emotionally? Can you see yourself marrying a woman? Those are questions you should ask yourself and if you can without hurting people, try to experiment! It's always nice to be sure and experimenting can be one way. For example, you said you kissed girls in high school as a game think shout if you kissed them now would there be any romantic/ emotional feelings other than physical? Good luck !
Shy95- It is sooo comforting to hear about someone else in my same situation!!! I am definitely clinging on to anything that might make me straight. So, I guess that solves my questioning problem. The new problem: coming to terms with it.... woahthatsboring- Those are really good points to bring up! I don't think I can picture myself marrying a woman but I think that may be because I am too scared to go against any social norms. But, I can't see myself growing old with a guy. Whenever my friends would talk about relationships or marriage, I always expressed that I didn't see myself getting married [to a man]. This has been something I have thought for a year or so now. Thank you to the both of you for taking the time to respond. I didn't realize how long this post actually was until it posted! I really wanted to just get everything out there at once. It did make me feel better! Thank you again!!!!
