Hey guys. So I've been out as a lesbian for some months now and I can't tell you how much anxiety this has caused me. It feels like I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I definitely feel MOSTLY gay, and I get a certain warm fulfillment and attraction to women (and have since I was eight) which I know I will never have with men. I doubt I'll even ever have sex with a man, unless something changes. But I can't deny that sometimes, I do think about men in a sexual way and get turned on, or even feel some fleeting arousal with regard to a man acting sexually. I know some people would tell me I can still be a lesbian with these feelings, and others would say this makes me bi. In my heart, though, I know bisexuality is a much roomier, more flexible label which doesn't make me feel I need some sort of affirmation for every small fleeting feeling I have towards men. But here's the thing: I feel even "bisexual" doesn't capture who I am. It's like a large, large umbrella, and I'm right on the very edge of that umbrella. It doesn't tell people of the intrinsic attraction I have to women that probably indicates I'm going to live the life of a full-on gold star lesbian. I feel lost in a sea, and even oppressed by biphobia. I wish I were full-on gay. Furthermore -- and this is why I cry myself to sleep at night -- I've read articles that say MOST women have experienced same-sex attraction at one time or another. I wonder, where did I go wrong? Why am I living my life as a gold-star "gay" person when I'm really like every other girl? Was I supposed to suppress my same-sex attraction? If I wait long enough will I meet the right man? DID I MAKE A CHOICE? DID I CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY? DO I DESERVE TO LIVE THIS LIFE? So, for the homosexual-leaning bisexual girls (and boys!) out there, how do you accept your identity? Do you just tell people you're gay? Do you label yourself as queer? Do you try and force yourself straight? Do you envy people who are 100% gay like I do? Are you able to associate with other LGBT people without feeling like there's something wrong with you? When does this self-hatred end? Thank you so much in advance for your answers.
Don't focus so much on a label. A label is basically there to save time if your sexuality comes up in conversation. Like you, I'm gay, but I still have the occasional feelings for girls. Call me a Kinsey ~5 if you will. For simplicity I say "gay" because I usually don't like explaining I sometimes like girls but not really and am more into guys and blah blah blah. Some people might label us "gay-leaning bi" or something. Just be yourself. Follow your heart & attractions as they come up. Sexuality is complicated enough without trying to pigeonhole yourself & conforming to a term. If you're attracted to a guy, so be it. That doesn't diminish your live for girls as well...
What most other people may or may not feel isn't really relevant. What is important is what *you* feel. Attraction is complicated. Orientation is not a choice. Suppressing your sexuality to fit in is really unhealthy. I run into this a lot. People telling themselves that they just need to find the right person and everything will be fixed. The thing is, meeting someone won't fix your problems one way or another. Accepting what you feel(no matter what that is) and being open to that will. Loving yourself and living a good life doing what you love will. When you can accept that, then loving someone else comes easy. In the end, no label is perfect. It's shorthand for something very complex. Take it one day at a time and be you.
I can totally relate to that! Like you, I feel that I do have a certain amount of attraction for men and even though they may arouse me occasionally, to me it feels almost platonic, the attraction is there but I'm not sure if I could ever act on it mainly because the attraction I feel seems purely sexual, and I don't think I'd personally feel comfortable being with someone sexually without any emotional involvement (of course, there is nothing wrong with that, I'm just saying it's not for me). I don't think suppressing ever helps, if anything, be open to both possibilities, go for people who you find attractive regardless of gender, just because you've been with a woman doesn't mean you can't ever be with men or vice-versa. And no, I don't think it's a choice, you can't control what you feel. I would say I'm homoromantic/bisexual, but I think that serves more as a label for self awareness because if I were to come out now I probably wouldn't choose that term as most people wouldn't understand it and I don't think I should be explaining every little detail of it, maybe I'd use bisexual but that also has its problems, some people assume that bisexuals are promiscuous or unable of being monogamous, which is obviously not true. So, your anxiety is completely understandable, but just do what feels right to you, regardless of any label.
Labels are only words used to identify with, find community etc. I don't care what people think of me as, as long as they don't think of me as straight. I have described myself as bi, mostly gay, homoflexible, panromantic, queer and so on to describe the same thing- my orientation- mostly gay. Its really about what you want, and none of my friends care about labels either. I favor queer because it brings a sense of unity with lgbtq people but to straight people I say mostly into guys.
Thank you so much for the helpful replies, guys. I'll try not to focus so much on labels, even though it can be confusing at times.
I don't know if this helps or makes it worse, but I think the main reason I ended up married to a guy is that we've dated since high school. I strongly suspect that if he had not been in the picture back then, my life would have taken a decidedly more lesbian turn.
I am beginning to think it would be much easier if I just presented as totally gay, and not out myself as bi. Yes, being bi is tough cos you face not just discrimination from much of the straight community, but also from some sections of the lbgt 'community' (if such an entity exists in reality). It's a double-whammy. I'm tiring of it, actually. I have been mulling over the idea in my mind, of just 'forgetting' about women, in the dating sense at least, and presenting as just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill gay dude...it would make life easier for me. But I can't do it. Honesty is more important than being liked by others. I will continue to identify as bi, whatever the cost, cos...it's the truth. But I wonder why, even if you fear being disliked or rejected by others for it, why hate yourself for it? It's not like you chose it, it's just the way things are. Go easy on yourself.
OP, your story is very similar to mine. It's taken me a few years and many discussions with people but I'm finally starting to make peace with myself. Just know that if you are still attracted to women, then you are still a part of the LGBT community With straight people, I just say I'm gay because it's easier.
I understand the frustration. It seems every month I'm completely rethinking everything I've ever said, done, and felt, and the whole process of understanding what the heck I am starts all over. Last month I swore I was gay. A few months prior to that, I figured I must be a transwoman. This month I've been becoming more attracted to women, while thinking that I’m cisgendered. I think I might be going through some bi-denial (or some-such kind of denial). Acutally, denial isn’t quite the right term. More like bi-shame. Since I’m attracted to guys, I feel like I’m "not allowed" to like straight-romance/girls. But since I’m attracted to girls, I feel like I "don’t have the right" to like gay-romance/guys. Whenever I see straight or gay people hanging out, having a good time, I feel like I don’t really fit in. I feel like I’m “too gay” for the straight crowd, but I’m “too straight” for the gay crowd. I also feel deep shame in being attracted to women, since I'm very much aware of how deeply I'm attracted to men. I feel like if I date a guy, then I'm missing out on the potentially amazing woman I might meet one day. But if I date a girl, I feel like that would some how make my feelings towards guys illegitimate, and I'd be betraying the LGBT community some how. It’s all very lonely and confusing. I really do envy 100% straight and gay people. They just “know.” There’s no question of who should they spend the rest of their life with, because they feel nothing for the other side. It must be so nice to have such clarity. But visiting empty closets here and there reminds me that I'm not alone. There are lots of other people out there struggling to understand, acknowledge, and accept who they are. As for how do I accept my identity? Well, to be honest I haven’t yet. I thought I had. I was so sure a month or two ago, but these past few weeks everything’s changed (again). I think what I have to decide to do, is just say that I’m attracted to individual people, and there isn’t really a label that works for me 100% of the time. Maybe by definition I actually am bisexual. Maybe that’s the best choice. I don’t know. But in the end, it’s my choice what I call myself. And for now, I’m just going to go with my name.
The thing I think one needs to remember about labels is that they are supposed to be the beginning of the conversation not the end. And in that respect I don't think that sexuality labels are really all that different than any of the other labels we use to describe ourselves. How many times have you heard things like "I'm Catholic but..." "I'm a Democrat but..." usually followed by a long list of things that the label might lead one to think that aren't true of the speaker. Nevertheless there are many things the label leads you to think that are true, so the person continues to use it. Sexuality labels are the same. I identified as bi for part of my youth. I was actually sexually active with women and enjoyed it--and while I had these other feelings I figured it would just be so much easier to act on the straight part of being bi. And it was fine until this guy kissed me and I just knew. I identify as gay--I strongly identify as gay and with the gay community. Every once in a while when certain things come up in conversation someone will say "Oh, so you're bi!" And I usually just sort of say "I can see the case for that but it's not really how I feel" and then we go on. The conversation has to start somewhere. Pick where you want it to start but don't forget to still have the conversation.
I didn't just tell people I was anything. It never struck me as their business (except the people I was seeing, with whom I was completely open about where I was). I do now label myself as queer, when speaking generically about LGBT stuff...but I also use the bisexual label happily enough, or at least call into question any assumptions I hear from others about me being a lesbian (since I have a longstanding female partner). But back then, when a label was required I used "bisexual". I've never tried to force myself to be straight. I have never *really* envied people for being 100% gay. Yeah, I've noted to myself that bisexuality has some challenges that being gay wouldn't have...but I also really value being bisexual...being gay or straight seems (to me) limited in outlook...kind of like being a picky eater, or a vegetarian because you don't *like* meat, or whatever. I think my longterm monogamous relationship probably contributes to my feelings of comfort in LGBT groups. If I'd been with a *guy* for 29 years straight, with growing cravings for women (as opposed to the other way around), yeah, I could see feeling a bit out-of-place. Self-hatred ends when you reconcile yourself to who and what you are, learn to love yourself *for* what you are, rather than just tolerating it. We're here for you. *hugs*
ok a couple of things here. im kind of like you, Bi with strong leanings towards men and some attraction to women, add in some gender identity issues and you have a party. and you can't change who you are, or force yourself to be straight. i know i choose a hetro life when i was a teen, on an unconsious level, and didn't regret it as i have a fantastic kid. but now that i've come out to myself and others it is such a fuller life in my heart and mind so dont suppress yourself. also, to the question of do you deserve this life? ask yourself is you deserve a happy life, if so love yourself, become your friend to yourself because no matter where you go or what you choose, there you will be. better to be friends with the one person you will have forever, You. label yourself as you, sexual identity labels tend to put us in boxes and not every one can be in a box. and your right, Bisexuality is a hugh umbrella and if your under the edge, your still under it with the rest of us(&&&). hope this helps, we are here to help you sweetie.:smilewave
Thanks again everyone. It's really great to have all this support. I'm still going back and forth between labels ... sometimes I really do wonder if I'm flat out gay with a penetration fetish and penis envy, and other times I suspect that I'm bi, and then occasionally I just go with queer. But occasionally I'll be cuddling with a hot girl and realize it doesn't matter, I am built to be with women, it's what I've been born to do and what I've craved for more than half my life. Only time will tell why I feel this way, and what this means about my sexual orientation.
