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Questioning Myself

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjblud, May 14, 2015.

  1. jjblud

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Arkansas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I've always thought I was straight until about February of this year when I suddenly started questioning myself. It's sometimes get crippling when I continually obsess about myself and my sexuality. From a very young age I always masturbated to the thoughts of women especially the girls in my secondary school and too some teachers. The secondary school I attended had an all boys dormitory and communal shower I saw guys naked all the time and i still never had anything tinge or sexual or emotional attraction like I did with women. Fast forward I move to America and become a porn addict in my college years I masturbate exclusively to Hetero-porn specifically interracial. Then one day I watched an interview with a transgender woman she looked so much like a woman that it got me curious and I watched transgender porn I felt a disgusted with myself afterwards and i just continued watching regular hetero-porn. After about two years I watched transgender porn again but I couldn't watch the scene's where the male actor perform fellatio to the transgender woman it just didn't arouse me.Again I moved back to regular pornography. At the start of 2015 I started getting crippling thoughts that I was gay I don't even know how it stated I was working in a gym so I would see guys in there I would constantly be checking to see if I was attracted to them, but I still didn't really feel anything no arousal. I went on a date with several girls this year I've kissed a couple and I get erections when that happens. I'm still a virgin so I not sexually active. But the thoughts of questioning my sexuality just don't go away it's a nuisance sometimes. Sometimes I obsess about it all day, I learnt about something called HOCD I don't even know if that's a real thing but it matches with how I've been feeling. I don't what to do. I created this account on this website just to vent and get opinions of people. Hope I haven't offended anyone I tried to use the right terminology to describe my situation.
     
  2. bi2me

    Full Member

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    Perhaps you should reach out to a professional counselor. There is not a diagnosis of HOCD, but some people who are diagnosed with OCD do experience it through obsessive thoughts about being gay.
     
  3. MissBookworm

    MissBookworm Guest

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    I went through that too, but with girls. Chances are, if you're not aroused by men AT ALL or attracted to them, you're not gay, or even bi. Then again, you could just be in denial. You mentioned that you were disgusted with yourself after watching transgender porn? That sounds like you're, at the very least, not very comfortable with the options of other sexualities. You can probably deduce, considering you get an erection when attracted to females, you at least have that tendency.

    That said, being obsessive over your sexual orientation isn't OCD. In my opinion, it's a HUGE part of who you are, and it's perfectly okay for that to take up a lot of your free thinking time. I know that when I was questioning, it was always needling me, always in the back of my head. It's not the kind of thing that goes away, and it's not the kind of thing that is easy to figure out. All I needed to do was understand myself. I always felt like acceptance was a weird way to describe my process. It was more getting to know who I really was. That, my friend, is what it sounds like you're going through. But, for the record, I wouldn't discount your attraction to girls. You sound like you really are attracted to them, and you don't sound like you're gay if you're getting erections around them. I would say, based on the information you've given me, the furthest you are on the Kinsey scale would be 3.