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Questioning orientation and long-term relationship

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by whereismymind, May 16, 2015.

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  1. whereismymind

    whereismymind
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    I’m in my early 20s and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He’s great—funny, reliable and faithful, wants a family with me, etcetera. I enjoy being with him and he’s a great partner.

    But, I’ve never felt attracted to him sexually. I’ve never had sex with him either. (I always thought I was just a prude/had some hang-ups from a religious upbringing.) But, about 2 years ago, I realized that I had some level of attraction to women. In the past 2 years, this attraction has grown substantially. I’m not sure that I actually want to have sex with a woman, but I’m definitely very into the idea of touching (waist, thighs, etc.) when it comes to women. When I do this with my boyfriend, it doesn’t excite me, sexually or otherwise. Honestly, I don’t think I’m a very sexual person, regardless of the gender of the person I am with.

    To contextualize this a bit: I dated another guy when I was younger. Again, I felt nothing when kissing/touching. In fact, I felt somewhat repulsed by him, which I don’t really feel with my current boyfriend. It’s more just apathy when it comes to physical stuff with him.

    It might sound crazy, but I feel like I want to stay with my boyfriend. I’ve told him about everything, and, although he says it makes him sad, he wants to stay together. I feel like I have this amazing, emotionally-supportive relationship, and to give that up for the possibility of finding an equally supportive relationship with a woman (where I might possibly have the added bonus of sexual attraction) is risky.

    I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, but I feel like I’m at this crossroads where I need to make a decision about my relationship, and either decision feels like it has too many consequences and I just don’t know what to do.

    I’m feeling like there’s a lot of important detail that I’ve left out, but let’s just start with this. Advice?
     
    #1 whereismymind, May 16, 2015
  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey welcome to EC, I don't have the same personal experience as you but I will offer my thoughts.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself, what you are going through is very difficult and I think it will probably be a rollercoaster ride with plenty of ups and downs. It is great that your boyfriend is understanding and that you have been able to be open and honest with him. I know it is a scary thought to step away from the comfort zone of being with your boyfriend but I think you owe it to yourself and him to do some more investigating and try and discover exactly what you do want.

    I have a couple of questions, but if you don't feel comfortable answering them then don't worry.

    If you were to just fantasise and let your mind wander wherever it wanted, where do you think it would take you guys or girls?

    Have you had a crush on a particular woman or just women in general?
     
    #2 silverhalo, May 17, 2015
  3. whereismymind

    whereismymind
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    Thanks for your reply, silverhalo. So, to answer your questions: I definitely would think of girls as opposed to guys. What feels weird to me is that I don't feel any kind of magnetic draw or need to have sex with either gender. I think other people feel something more. But anyway, given the choice, I'd rather fantasize about women than men. I've had intense crushes on some lesbian celebrities, but not really on anyone I know in real life.
     
    #3 whereismymind, May 17, 2015
  4. Looker123

    Looker123
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    You might be sexually repressed or might be ashamed of your sexuality. Idk
     
    #4 Looker123, May 17, 2015
  5. woahthatsboring

    woahthatsboring
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    There are a lot of different possibles like cross orientation, bisexual, straight but questioning, etc. But the difference is there between all of them is the missing questions.

    For example, you said you didn't have any sexual attraction towards your boyfriend, but what about other guys? Do you think you think you could just be missing sexual attraction with him or all guys? Are you emotionally attracted to men or do you just love your boyfriend? Do you think you have that sexual attraction towards women? And if so, do you think you could see yourself in a relationship with a women emotionally?

    These are all the questions I think you should consider, it's a lot I know but I think if you're able to answer them you're one step closer to finding out more about yourself. Good luck :slight_smile: and contact me for questions.
     
    #5 woahthatsboring, May 17, 2015
  6. whereismymind

    whereismymind
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    Thanks woahthatsboring. So to respond to your questions: I don't think I have sexual attraction towards men in general. Male bodies just don't have that same allure that female bodies do...nothing really makes me want to touch/do anything more with them. I'm not really sure what emotional attraction is, I guess, if it differs from intense friendship. I like who my boyfriend is as a person, and I like spending time with him...is that emotional attraction? I don't know. I can very much see myself in an emotional relationship with a woman. Really what it comes down to for me, I think, is that I have something really really good with my boyfriend. And I think that maybe it's enough for me. But there's this nagging feeling that I could have something even better with another woman, and I feel paralyzed when I try to make a decision. And then I wonder if everyone feels that when they're in a relationship (regardless of gender), and if part of being in a relationship is just ignoring the desire to seek out more.
     
    #6 whereismymind, May 17, 2015
  7. nebraska jones

    nebraska jones
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    That's definitely a natural feeling. That 'grass is always greener on the other side' feeling is hard to shake when you're in a relationship.

    It sounds like you do have an emotional connection with your boyfriend but not so much a physical attraction or connection. Do you feel like that's enough? Are you happy? It doesn't sound like you're unhappy it just sounds like you're worried or confused. Maybe you can talk to him about the way you've been feeling lately.
     
    #7 nebraska jones, May 18, 2015
  8. paris

    paris
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    It's hard to predict what will happen in the future. You said that your same-sex attraction has grown substantially in the past two years. Do you think it's possible it'll keep growing? It's actually what happened to me; and one day I reached the point when I realized I have to act on it. I'm not saying it'll be same for you, just that I wouldn't rule it completely out.
    It's probably just me but one thing that kind of grabbed my attention is that you didn't even once mention you love your boyfriend (I mean to love him more than "just" your best friend) and I somewhat didn't read it between lines either. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
     
    #8 paris, May 18, 2015
  9. bi2me

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    I was kind of in a similar place to you in my late teens, although I was attracted to my (now) husband and we did start having sex when I was almost 19. I decided to stay with him, and I mostly don't regret that decision. We have made a happy life. We have two kids, and we have sex joyfully and fairly often. The problem for me is that I still feel like something might be missing. I can't explain it, but I just don't always have that strong, gut wrenching attraction to him. He's wonderful. I love him. I frequently feel in love with him. I also have feelings for a female friend, and I'm working through that. I do not regret staying with him, but I do regret not exploring my feelings more fully 15 years ago to make sure...
     
    #9 bi2me, May 18, 2015
  10. whereismymind

    whereismymind
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    Thanks to everyone for your responses. Bi2me--your experience does sound somewhat like mine, and I think if I could get to the same point that you are with your husband, I'd be actually pretty happy.

    Paris--I think that's a good point you make about me not using the word "love". I don't even know anymore. Is there a difference between loving a friend and loving a partner who you don't feel sexual attraction for? I kind of don't think so. I love my boyfriend more than anyone else, and I'd love him the same way even if we broke up.

    I guess what I really want would be to take a break from my current relationship, and explore a bit (date some women). That's completely selfish on my part though. I don't think I can tell my boyfriend, who's stuck with all this craziness for 5 years, that I want him to wait as my backup while I go see if there's someone better out there. That feels manipulative. Likewise, it's not fair to some woman (not that I feel much hope for finding anyone who's interested) to treat her as an experiment while I figure out if I'm gay.
     
    #10 whereismymind, May 18, 2015
  11. ash7852

    ash7852
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    Hey, I just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings of trying to figure things out....I am in the same boat right now. I do think maybe it would be best to maybe what being another woman would be like, or maybe just let your mind take you there. Thats wonderful you have a boyfriend so supportive, to me an emotional connection is more important sometimes than a sexual one.

    I wish the best, if you need anything feel free to send a message!

    -Ashley
     
    #11 ash7852, May 18, 2015
  12. Invidia

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    Romance and sex are two things :slight_smile: It might be that you're biromantic/panromantic homosexual or something in terms of labels.

    If you feel this is something that's damaging your relationship and you're worrying about that, one thing you could do is talk to your boyfriend. Maybe he'd be willing of having a test-open relationship. Then maybe you could try out with a girl (to the extent that you're willing) (and maybe to be fair he too...)
    Just a suggestion!

    Take care <3
     
    #12 Invidia, May 19, 2015
  13. nebraska jones

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    It's not really experimenting per se if you're totally open to dating women and being in a relationship with a woman.
     
    #13 nebraska jones, May 19, 2015
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