Hi all Is there anyone out there who is just turned on sexually by the same sex but isn't attracted to affection like hand holding, kissing, holding etc? Atm i'm attracted to being penetrated by another male but i'm not into any of the affectionate side at all. If you had the same experience, did this change over time? Like you started just sexually turned on, but then you found you were also romantically attracted as well? thx
Hey Phoenix83, I definitely have a huge issue with romantic and sexual orientation not necessarily matching. I'm 24 and until about 7-8 months ago I had never questioned my sexuality whatsoever - I was fully convinced I was straight. I've given up trying to work out if I'm gay, straight or bisexual and just live in the hope that one day it will all make sense. The thing is I've always been attracted to girls in real life. I'd never notice guys in the street but my eyes are constantly drawn to attractive females. I've spent my whole life believing that one day I would meet a girl, get married, have kids etc. Sexually I'm attracted to guys. I'm attracted to girls as well but I no longer know whether that's just through conditioning and through porn addiction (there are sites out there which only show 'straight' porn but which I'm convinced are designed purely for confused young minds like my own). When I masturbate I generally think about mostly homosexual things then once I've finished I go back to being a straight guy in my head. I think this is where the problem is for me. If it turns out I'm completely gay then I see it taking a very very long time for me to breakdown the mental barriers and allow my romantic orientation to match my sexual orientation.
Hey Confuseddude, yeah that is definitely me too. I look at attractive women on the street, and I am also too afraid to look at attractive men out of fear of what i'll feel if i look at them. I'm scared of being aroused by them, which will confirm my fear of 'being gay'. I have the same thoughts too about wondering how much of my 'attraction to women' is conditioned. I have no idea and it worries me. I'm still trying to put myself in the straight or gay box... i am the same with it maybe taking a long time til the two match up. What will you do about relationships you get into (with girls or guys) until this happens? Will you just avoid them? I am in one now. She knows i'm curious about men and she's ok with it. But i can't help but feel it's a ticking bomb for us. I'm really worried about my future, about losing women...
It definitely seems like there are a lot of similarities between our situations. I'm not currently in a relationship and I've actually never been in what I would consider a proper relationship - despite having just turned 24. I've had a few flings here and there and in all honesty I've often found it difficult to perform when with women. It's worth noting that there are a bunch of other factors at play there. I'm almost always very drunk at the time, previous bad experiences come to mind, porn addiction can lead to erectile dysfunction. These are all factors which could contribute to lack of performance although being gay might be a more significant factor In terms of relationships going forward, I'm just playing it by ear for a while. I don't think I would get involved with a girl without mentioning (at least to some extent) my current situation. I think that's just best for everyone involved. In terms of same sex relationships I really don't know. I guess I'm just giving it time. How long have you been questioning? I feel like it's such a huge, huge process for my brain to go from 23 years of being 100% straight to the idea of being gay. I've questioned for 8 months or so and my brain has done a million and one U turns. I feel like I've got 5 million more to make. So I guess I would say - I'm not looking for a relationship with a girl right now. I would like one but it's too complicated to be actively seeking one atm. If the right girl came along I would still be very much open to it. Right now I simply can't imagine being with a guy. If in time it turns out that, that is the only way to go then I guess I will have to work on it in my head. For now im just giving it time. Also, how old are you if you don't mind me asking?
Hi there, I'm also going through a confusion/understanding phase. Like Confuseddude, I thought I was completely straight my whole life (although my friends and I did notice that I was kind of picky [hmm, I wonder why...]). 21 years of thinking I'm straight, not even questioning anything at all in my mind and then BAM, I meet this one guy and my whole life gets turned upside down. As for the romantic/sexual thing, I'm kind of weird. So, I very romantically and sexually attracted to guys, no question there. As for girls, it gets a bit more complicated. I'm sexually attracted to them (but not as much as guys), but I very little to no romantic attraction to them. Although I'm not sure if this is affected by my low self-esteem, the belief that no girl could ever be attracted to me, and that I've just simply never met a girl I enjoyed spending time with. When I can't even imagine having a girl as a good friend (I've just never had one really), it's kind of impossible for me to make the even further leap of romantic attraction. So there's that part of it. :/
Phoenix, That would be me in a nutshell. You can see the thread I posted on the questioning forum. I have zero romantic inclination towards men, but gay/shemale porn is very exciting and arousing. The fantasy is never screwing a guy or being blown by a guy or any romantic things, but always being a bottom or giving someone a BJ. Like Confuseddude I have lived all my life without any questions about being straight because I was always chasing after girls. However now after I quit all porn and masturbation things are getting very confusing. I simply cannot imagine having a romantic relationship with a man. At all. The idea alone fills me with so much anxiety that I am close to a panic attack.
I would like to mention that in the beginning I did not think about the relationship/affectionate side with guys, until months ago I accepted my attractions to men. Since then, I've found my attractions to males much more viable. I'm identify as bisexual though because I have certainly fell for girls before. However I'm more gay leaning. I'm currently in a relationship with a guy right now, and it's doing great. Just keep an open mind and you'll figure it out. It definitely takes time, so don't stress on finding out now or soon.
Even some people who are fully bisexual and have never experienced this kind of 'straight-washing' conditioning influence from society -- i.e. marry a girl, spend your life with a girl -- have feelings like this. Sometimes I find it very difficult to maintain meaningful or emotionally-satisfying relationships with my male lovers, despite the fact that I am very physically attracted to them and we have a lot of sexual chemistry. Sometimes I date women who inspire me to feel that intense passion for being with them, but I'm not very interested in having actual sex with them, I just want the romance. The things I find sexy are not necessarily the things I find arousing, and the things I find enjoyable about a romantic relationship are not necessarily the things I want from a sexual partnership. You know what I've found helps the most? Polyamory. *Exaggerated wink*
I'm also in the same situation as described above. I have however been questioning for longer but my questioning was induced by porn as well when I noticed gay porn turned me on. I currently think I am bisexual with a fluid sexuality (I'm only interested in dating girls at the moment) but guys turn me on more sexually when fantasizing, even though I can get off to thinking about girls and still feel turned on by them in real life. So I would recommend just relaxing and seeing where life takes you because time will only tell. Why not try and meet a girl and see how it feels, or a guy for that matter? What matters is that you don't stress on it (which I understand is difficult) but just know you're not alone and you still have the choice to pursue what you want. Everything gets better with time
I have a hard time relaxing about it, right now it is just a fear. I don't know what it is a fear of exactly, but perhaps the idea that I cannot be with women (to whom i am attracted to) due to some sexual fantasy deep inside. The other very strong possibility is that these are just fantasies and like many fantasies they should simply be embraced and accepted. The more I stress about them and fear them the more they exert their grip over me and warp my understanding of reality. I am 34 years old, I sometimes wondered what was up with me due to my fixation on shemale porn but I never paid any attention to any guys despite being friends with plenty of them. I have seen plenty of real life naked men and I have zero fascination and zero desire to look. But now, my anxiety has reached a new high - where every guy that is remotely good looking sends my mind spinning into 1000 directions. But why now? What changed? The only thing that I can think of is that my last relationship I had the worst ED of my life and I specifically avoided all fantasy while I was with her - a conscious choice I made, either I am going to get it up naturally or not get it up at all. The result appears to be that I am more confused than ever. What used to be strictly in the porn/fantasy domain is starting to spill out in real life and I am fearful that this transition will lead somewhere scary. The idea of going on a date with a guy or being romantic with a guy seems completely and utterly impossible right now. Sigh...
