As a child, I watched porn and focused on the woman, eventually at thirteen graduating to lesbian porn. I was sure that I was a lesbian, but was very homophobic and tried to make myself straight. I stopped after a while, and noticed men. I feel a drive to have sex with men, but I am not aroused by straight porn. I only like lesbian porn. I have been aroused by heterosexual smut, but I still love lesbian smut much more. Here's where it gets weird. All my strong attractions right now are men. There are girls I find attractive, and sometimes I think I want them, but sometimes I don't. All my strong ships in fandom's are het. I sometimes like the idea of a girl kissing me, and sometimes not. Sometimes I'm disgusted! Same for boys. I have only had wet dreams of women. I once had a dream where I was in a sexual relationship with a guy, but it showed nothing explicit, or even us having sex at all! I had a dream of trying to seduce a girl. I get concerned when I think of people seeing me as "a lesbian", my friends and stuff. But I want to tell other people I am a lesbian! When I'm thinking of me with a girl, I feel ugly and clumsy compared to her. I only enjoy the idea of me having sex with a girl when I imagine I'm a guy. But I am 100% sure I am not transgendered. I like being a feminine girl and the idea of me as a guy makes me uncomfortable. Women in my het smut are always dominant. I am dominant. It makes me weirded out to see a woman, like my partner, submissive. I want to tell people I'm gay, but I don't! What am I?
