Hi, so I don’t really know if I’m in the right place, but I’d like to post my story here, mainly because I find it very difficult to really “talk” about this to anyone. I’d like to apologize in advance for the length, but I hope at least one person can struggle through this, in order to help me. So, here it goes: I’m a 22 year old girl and I've really only just fully realized that I'm not straight. Only four people very close to me actually know. Let me start by saying, that I was never your typical girl: as a child I had my hair cut short, I wore boys' clothing, liked playing rough with the guys, pretended to be one, etc… Then, in my teens I went on to dress a little more feminine, both because I felt the boyish style no longer fit with my curves and because I wanted to be found attractive. Yet, I never once had a relationship and although I appreciated cute guys, I never really fell madly in love with them, unlike my friends. It didn’t help that I was always very shy and prudish( I still am) and therefore didn’t really like the fact that all everybody ever seemed to be talking about was sex. But anyways: at 17, I finally fell head over heels in love with a teacher: a female one at that and my mind was in a turmoil! The weirdest thing was, that I had already known her for so long, since she’d been in class with my sister from kindergarten all the way on through high-school. They were like best friends and she often came over to our place. I never really noticed her at the time, though, since I was 7 years their junior and therefore still practically a child. I DID think she was very sweet back then. But then as a teenager: with all the crazy hormones stacking up, I suddenly saw her in a new light ... It also marked the first time I really fantasized about someone( yet not in a sleazy sense, to reach gratification, if you get what I mean.) But anyway, moving on: since I had a lot of stress-related issues, I somehow arranged for her to be my confidant. My last years of high-school were like a fairytale and a nightmare rolled into one. I confess that I sometimes faked feeling unwell, just so she would touch me: she was very caring and touchy-feely. At the same time: I felt very guilty towards my sister, but also towards her, because I was having these fantasies and feelings and basically screwing her over, if only just a little. I had a lot of respect for this girl. But my real low-point came, when I discovered she had a boyfriend and was going to move in with him soon: I was crushed! So crushed, that I confessed all to my mother and sister, crying non-stop. For a while, this resulted in a very awkward relationship with the latter, which has since then luckily improved again. Still, I did not really think I was into girls. I guess I just tried to suppress it for a long time and considered it a phase. It is only now: a good 3 years later, that I really realized it, through some random youtube videos by lesbian vloggers, at that. Suddenly things just became super-clear: why I had way more feels from reading femslash( a very recent phenomena for me.) than from het-fanfics, why I was weird about friends acting flirtatiously for fun, or about certain sleepovers, why I used to avoid watching or reading about that kind of affection, why I always had crushes on gay male characters, why I took special notice to some female celebrities, etc ... So there’s my backstory. Yet now I get to the actual problem/s: I have a very low self-esteem. I don’t think of myself as attractive at all and I can’t imagine myself kissing, let alone being intimate with another person, definitely not someone from the same sex. I like romantic sex between attractive people (TV-characters), but I can’t picture myself with anyone. When I fantasize, I always imagine myself as a more handsome male version of me. Just one question: is this normal? Could it be that I’m asexual? I also never get any physical reactions from watching/reading erotic stuff. Is there anyone else who struggled with this or am I the only one? Also I can’t refer to myself as a lesbian. I just choke up at the word, since I see it as something very negative, for some reason. I just… I’m so confused and insecure... On the one hand, I would really like to find someone, though preferably a man, since I’m more comfortable with that idea. Yet on the other hand, I’m scared that I’ll just… shut down. Sorry for the mega-long message, but I had to get this off my chest. Thanks in advance for replying( if anyone can get through this incoherent rant, that is.)
Hi I can totally relate to your post. I'm younger than you though. Anyway, sexual attraction put aside, I'm guessing you're romantically attracted to women? I also imagine myself as a guy when it comes to sexual relations, I have no idea why. I don't really know what to answer even though I would love to help. People start understanding their sexuality at any stage of their lives. In my case, I was sure of mine by the age of 12. What I can say from personnal experience is that it's confusing, but at the end of the day it's all about how you feel. If you think that you are gay, stop denying it and see how it feels. It took me a while but one day I stopped pretending to be straight. I wasn't pretending to anyone, but just trying to fool myself into thinking I couldn't possibly be gay. Maybe try that out? See how it feels. I don't think you're assexual, maybe you are, or maybe you just need to find a partner that you trust enough to be physical with. And not everyone gets turned on by porn or erotica, fanfics, etc. There was the Belgium Pride this Saturday, did you go? If you get completely over excited about all the rainbows and lesbians, it might be a clear indicator I don't think I've answered all your questions, but I hope this helped a minimum. You'll figure it out, keep us updated (*hug*)
Well, thanks for replying, first of all. I didn't go to pride, as I don't see this as something to be proud about really. I think it would also cause me anxiety: being around others who are way more out than I am. This might seem rude, but I don't get how people can be so comfortable with their sexuality, when they're not straight. I'm guessing it's a process, but I'm still very much in the closet and not accepting of who I am.
Hey welcome to EC, don't worry about the long post everyone needs to do them sometimes and it can be helpful to write down the things that are going round and round in your head and to get other people opinions on them because on your own these things can be very tough. Don't worry about how old you are when you worked it out. I didn't figure out I was gay until I was in my mid twenties, everyone is different and their story is unigue. So I have some questions for you, if you don't mind? If there is anything you don't want to answer then feel free not to answer it. Do you ever feel like you are a man in other aspects of your life? Or is it just if you imagine yourself having sex? Do you think you cant imagine yourself kissing someone because you feel like you are not attractive enough for someone to want to kiss you, or because you just don't want to do it? Do you feel like having sex is something you would like to do (not right now necessarily but when the time is right)? Do you think you would rather fall in love with a man because you think that would be easier because it is more socially acceptable? Try not to get to down or be too hard on yourself, figuring out your sexuality and everything that comes along with it can be difficult and frustrating but you will get there and everyone here at EC will help you
Hey, thanks for replying and sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. To answer your questions: 1) I would say the latter: I guess I really only feel like a guy when it comes to fantasizing. Though, I often write my stories with a guy as the main-character and I used to act very much like one when I was little. I also wrote movie-scripts and when we acted them out, I was always the guy. B) I think my fear of kissing stems from not deeming myself attractive enough, mainly from past experiences when two guys I considered cute, told me I wasn't hot enough for them to date. C) Well, sex is a tricky-one, since I always considered it weird and a little gross, what with the bodily fluids getting swapped(sounds childish, I know.) I also never saw what the big deal about penises was and couldn't really enjoy reading about oral sex, performed on a guy. When I was a young teen, I considered this a normal viewing-point, but then I grew up and I still can't picture myself going that far with anyone. Then again: I can appreciate sex, when I look at it as an expression of love between two people, but I have doubts on engaging in it myself. But, like I said: I'm very prudish and not comfortable with people telling me about their sex-life, at all. I see it as something sacred and private. D) Yes, I guess so. I guess I'd just like to try it, only once to see if I could fall in love, while in a relationship with a guy. For some reason, I'm also more comfortable with the idea of being intimate with someone from the opposite sex.
Ok so I was asking whether you felt like a man at other times because I wondered if there was any underlying transgender aspects going on but it doesn't really sound like that from what you have written (not that im an expert). Before I was out and had a girlfriend I never really used to think that much about sex and kissing and I didn't really lust after it despite the fact I didn't come out until I was in my mid twenties. I think that is probably a big part of the reason I didn't work out I was gay until that point. So I totally get where you are coming from, even if our stories aren't exactly the same. Everyone is attractive enough to be kissed, don't sell yourself short. I assume if you fantasize etc, you do get turned on, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to but im just thinking, that would make me think you are not asexual. I would say a lot of what you feel or don't feel, is down to your insecurities and lack of self confidence. I think you are definitely at least bisexual, maybe gay but labels aren't important. If you have any questions feel free to ask
Yeah... I figured that's why you were asking. I had a similar convo with my therapist and she told me the same thing: that I didn't appear to be transgender, which made me somewhat annoyed at the time, because I felt ignored and I'm still really not comfortable with being into girls, with me being a girl myself. I guess me convincing myself being a guy would be better, was just to justify my attraction to the same sex. At the same time, I did have a huge crush on my guy best friend in elementary school: we always sat next to one another, we hugged a lot, he was sweeter to me, than to other girls etc... But it's all very different when you're little. And I had a few kissing-dreams about my guy friends in highschool. Yet the huge, deep attraction only happened with one person, the one mentioned in my first post. It's reassuring to know that you've had a few similar experiences. To be honest: it doesn't really get to me anymore, when I fantasize: I only ever felt a little hot when I was a teenager, with hormones surging through me and even then I never DARED touching myself, mainly out of respect for my crush, but also because I never really felt the urge to do that, still don't. That's why I always felt different I guess. And I do think very lowly of myself, mainly because I'm suffering from a syndrome, which has somewhat affected my facial features and I used to get picked on for it. But yeah, thanks for lending me your ear and I hope to chat with you more.
Anytime. You can post on my wall if you like, I come on reasonably often and I'm always happy to chat. I think maybe if you worked on embracing your same sex attraction the more comfortable you can be with it the easier it will be to see exactly what kind of attraction you have. Do you have any underlying homophobia? Do you feel bad if you think about girls or imagine what it would be like? How do you feel if you try and say out loud I am gay or I like girls?
Hey, thanks for replying, once again. I would've posted on your wall already, if it wasn't for the fact that I need to post more, in order to be able to do so. What you say makes sense, but I can't take that step yet: embrace it. No, I don't have homophobia, I think, as I've found myself very interested in three female gay pairings from tv, so far. The first one was three years ago, when I hadn't really made the click about my sexuality. It was all very new then and I felt ashamed and weird about reading about two girls( mainly because I felt perverted for enjoying something, which I wasn't supposed to enjoy, in my eyes.) But anyway, since this year, two couples have followed, in a really short time, which made me overthink things, as I really identified with one character and always found myself jealous of the guy involved. So, I watched some YT-videos from lesbian girls and looked up signs that you're gay( lame, I know.), but I DID recognize myself into some of it, scarily. Also, while I was in my teens, I liked watching two men getting it on, so I'm not homophobic. And on that 2nd question: I can't really answer that directly, since I never imagine myself with girls, I never imagine myself with anyone. I can get turned on-ish, when I picture myself as a hotter muscular guy version, with my crushes, but that hasn't happened a lot lately. What I can say is that I feel bad for being attracted to girls, but I think it's to do more with my not perceiving myself as pretty, than with being into girls. And on your last question: I can't for the life of me express that! I always circle around the term, when I'm talking about it to my therapist, even if she encourages me to say it. I'm not comfortable with labeling myself, as I can still maybe see a possibility of liking a guy. Also, I think it's just narrow-minded: do you really have to get a special name, based on your sexuality? I don't like the term straight either, since that seems to point out that it's the only good way, for two people to love: straight, just that word... I don't know.
Yeah sure, the ability to be able to say I am gay or I like girls is not really about the labelling and the categorising of everything but more how comfortable you are with it in yourself. It's best not to obsess about labels and everything like that but at the same time I think often trying admit your feelings out loud to yourself can help you come to terms with it. I wasn't saying you were homophobic just that I have seen on this forum several times people who were struggling to come to terms with their feelings who said they thought underneath they had a little bit of homophobia and often I think a part of that is that subconsciously in their brain it was trying to protect them from those feelings which they had. Watching girl girl couples on tv is exactly how I realised I wasn't straight so you are definitely not alone there and googling those kinds of things I'm sure many many people on EC are familiar with so don't be hard on yourself. At the end of the day we all found EC somehow and it was most likely through some kind of Google search. What if you tried to imagine yourself with a girl? How would that make you feel?
