hi everyone, i'm 28, male, feel mild attraction to men, fantasize about women when i masturbate and have had only female girlfriends and hookups. i would estimate i've had about 30 female sexual partners. but a month ago this new swiss guy in my department appeared (i'm in grad school studying literature), was very charming during the post-lecture drinks, i got kinda drunk and felt like i wanted to kiss him. he had this five oclock shadow that was abrasive, but he was very handsome andobviously into me/fascinated by me (wasn't sure if he really believed what i said that this was this first time i'd ever kissed a guy.) i took him outside and actually invited him back to my apartment. we made out at my place, and i had the impulse to sort of wrestle with him and we got down to our underwear and rolled around on the floor for a while. to be honest i was really drunk at that point. eventually we lay side by side on my bed. i think he was trying to let me initiate everything because he knew it was my first time. so he was really nice (swiss people are so honest and good-natured). but i was very drunk at that point, and whether through drunkenness or not, was just not that into it anymore. i remember thinking i just wanted to go to sleep. i must have knocked off after a while because he was gone when i woke up in the afternoon. isn't everyone just a little bit gay? it's not like i've been in an uber-repressive environment. i went to a leftist college and had friends who were liberal and open to different sexualities, gender identities, etc. as a matter of principle. so it wasn't that i felt ashamed about experimenting-- in fact, the opposite. the sexual culture of my college was so permissive it almost stigmatized the "normal" people. maybe it's that i'm a bit overly critical of women. i've had bad relationships with women before, possibly because the women that i'm very attracted to make me nervous. i'm hopeless at seducing them, and have low defenses when it comes to women I only sort of like seducing me. so, mostly out of weakness, i am always sleeping with different girls i'm ambivalent about and then disappointing them and moving on. i guess i don't have a specific question but wanted to hear people's thoughts and whether they've had similar experiences, and whether they think i should experiment more with this or just leave it alone cheers, andrew
To give you a bit of background about where I'm coming from, I used to call myself 'bisexual' and then became aware of the term 'pansexual,' which is used to describe a highly permissive orientation in which sexual attraction can manifest regardless not only of binary sex/gender identifiers, but also of relative position on the scale-- or off it. You may already be familiar with this and other non-standard terms for describing various sexualities, but just in case you're not, 'pansexual' basically means that I am interested in men, women, and anyone in between; anyone who may present as an ambiguous or otherwise multiplicit gender identity. For me, sexuality has never been a question of "what if?" It's always been a question of "why not?" Because of that, I've been more than open to exploration-- I've almost required it. I can't rule anything out on principle, you know? It may seem strange or hard to understand, but I never felt like I was 'supposed' to be attracted to any one specific sort of person, nor felt a particular draw towards any 'type.' My preferences are... rather whimsical, really. So based on my experiences, I would advise you to continue experimenting. Not only do I believe experimentation is a legitimate and meaningful way to approach your experience of reality in general -- because it allows you to test your thoughts in a very intentional, self-aware format and arrive at validated conclusions that can be used to enrich your own perspective in life -- but I also believe it can be very liberating and fulfilling to learn about your own preferences. The most important thing you can take away from exploring your desires is a deeper understanding of who you are as a person. It's not about determining whether you're gay or straight or any of the other numerous titles for categories of sexual attraction-- it's about being honest with yourself, and being honest about what moves you. It sounds like you could benefit from a little more of that even in your usual engagements with women, to help iron out your ambivalence and lessen your (and their) sense of eventual disappointment.
How cute. Thank you for saying that! Some of the times, Schwiizers can get a bit grumpy though. I realised that I had a similar attitude, but towards men. For some reason though, I never resorted to thoughts about being with a female. Also, I thought I was being overly critical of men, but in fact I'm just overly critical of people in general. Maybe you are that way too? I do not take it as a bad thing. I think it is really good that you can find a plausible reason for your state of being through some form of introspection. That should be a sign of intelligence. Good luck on your path to self-discovery!
The beauty of an increasingly left-wing culture is the freedom of sexual choice. You have the freedom to decide to experiment or not. No one can decide whether you experiment or not, that you must decide of your own accord. Do what you're comfortable with. I will however share one thought: it's better to 'stretch' your boundaries than 'push' them; take it slow or you may spoil the experience. Good luck in your self-discovery. P.S. - the guy you described sounds great. If you don't lock him down, maybe send him my way? :icon_wink
