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Closeted Heterosexual

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by AceNoMore, May 27, 2015.

  1. AceNoMore

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    Hi,

    I'm a 25 year old female, and I'm a closeted heterosexual.

    For most of my life, I identified as an aromantic asexual. I felt absolutely no attraction towards anyone. Then about four years ago, I started feeling both romantically and sexually attracted to men...and I was not ok with it AT ALL. I kept trying to deny it to myself, and after eventually admitting it to myself, every single day has been me just waiting for the feelings to go away.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to come out to my best friend. He didn't react badly at all, but telling him, and just saying those words out loud, affected me in a way I could've never imagined. It made my whole situation SO REAL. I know it was of course real when nobody knew, but now it's out there in the world, and I can't ever take it back. Every day since then has been so hard, and I can't stop thinking about how ashamed I am to be this way. I feel like I'm going insane.

    I know it might seem odd to most people to be ashamed of being straight when it's what's "normal" according to society, but it doesn't feel normal to me at all, it feels completely abnormal. I don't understand these feelings, and I feel so disgusting for having them. I feel so incredibly guilty all the time, as if I did something awful. I feel like it's completely disrespectful of me when I think of someone in that way. I just feel like a horrible person all the time, and feel like I don't deserve to be happy or even be here at all. I'm so confused, and angry at myself, and feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like I want to die. And I know I don't actually want to die, but sometimes I think I do because I just wish I could disappear and hide from the world and myself.

    I need help. I just want to be ok with being this way, but I don't know how to be or if I ever can be because what I really want is to just go back to not having these feelings at all.
     
  2. Jax12

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    I'll admit it seemed a bit odd with a thread titled "Closeted Heterosexual", but at the same time I think it's quite reasonable.

    You thought you were aromantic asexual for your whole life, and now you realized that you aren't. It's like me thinking I was straight and realizing now that I'm not. It's the same idea; we thought we knew, but turns out we weren't spot on.

    You'll be okay :slight_smile:
     
  3. Synthetik

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    The only way to fully understand your situation is to figure out what motivates your sexual or lack of sexual feelings in the first place. When you felt asexual, how did you view the idea of sexual activity? From your post, it sounds like you consider lust to be a belittling way of perceiving someone else-- can you elaborate? Now that you feel heterosexual, what is it specifically about men that attracts or arouses you, and how might you imagine yourself acting on those feelings, hypothetically?

    Edit:
    If you feel uncomfortable answering any of these questions on a forum, try to just use them as stepping stones in your own contemplation.
     
    #3 Synthetik, May 28, 2015
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  4. AceNoMore

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    When I was asexual, I was extremely sex averse. When people would go into detail about sex, I would get physically nauseous. I never actually threw up, but it felt like I was going to, and I would go to the bathroom and dry heave.

    When somebody found me attractive, I would feel very offended because I didn't want to be thought of in that way at all. I knew it didn't make logical sense because people don't pick whom they're attracted to, but I just didn't like that I was a possibility in anyone's mind. Because I found the idea of sex disgusting, someone thinking I'm attractive translated into someone thinking I'm disgusting. In my mind, being told I'm attractive in any way was an unintentional insult from that person. I guess those feelings are now what's making me feel bad for thinking of others in that same way. I know it doesn't really make sense since the majority of people are complimented when someone finds them attractive, but I feel guilty nonetheless.

    I'm not exactly sure what it is about men that attracts/arouses me. I've actually only been attracted to two people, and only very slightly to one of them. I don't see people on the street, and find them attractive. With both of the guys I've liked, their personalities is what attracted me first, and then I started finding them physically attractive. I guess maybe that makes me a demisexual? I'm not sure, but the label isn't really what matters to me at the moment, it's the fact that I have any of these feelings at all. The person I'm very attracted to is also my best friend, and I feel like I've in some way betrayed our friendship by feeling this way for him. He's also married, which just makes me feel even more guilty for having thoughts about him.

    When I imagine myself acting upon my feelings, it's not anything out of the ordinary in most people's minds (making out, fooling around, and having sex), but it's all very bizarre to me, and having these feelings just really scares me.

    Thank you for asking me these questions.

    ---------- Post added 28th May 2015 at 08:24 AM ----------

    Thanks, Jax12 :slight_smile:
     
    #4 AceNoMore, May 28, 2015
    Last edited: May 28, 2015
  5. spockbach

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    First, your post is ABSOLUTELY NOT OFFENSIVE in any way. This is a very legitimate experience, and I suspect that many gay individuals have undergone something similar when, after years of identifying as gay, they realized they had feelings of some kind - sexual, romantic, or something similar - for a person of the opposite sex. In fact, I know a number of peers who have faced intense confusion regarding the homosexual or bisexual identity with which they have lived for a long while. Thus, even though I have not heard of an asexual individual facing the possibility that he or she may be heterosexual or anything other than asexual, I sincerely doubt that you are the only person to have had such an experience.

    So here is my tentative advice:

    Shame is not necessary. This is nothing of which to be ashamed. What you are feeling sounds in no way wrong or abnormal.

    It is hard to have to question your identity, but, as I said earlier, people do face uncertainty about what they are or what they might be feeling. Try to remember that this is a natural part of being human.

    Finally, I believe that you will eventually come to some sort of understanding with yourself - whether that means identifying as heterosexual, asexual, or something else, or perhaps simply learning to accept that you are not sure. Uncertainty, whether it leads to a definite identity or not, is healthy and normal and will not always be as painful as it seems now.
     
  6. Tardis221B

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    I totally get what you mean and what you are going through. Its not at all weird or bizarre. Uncommon, probably, but there are certainly people who have gone through similar things. You're not alone.

    Its a terrifying idea that your identity might be something completely different than what you originally thought it to be. When that happens it can seem to flip our whole world upside down. Its only natural to be afraid. New feelings, be that feelings for a new person, a change in feelings towards someone, or even a shift in our overall romantic and sexual feelings, it can be overwhelming.

    For a while I identified as ace, and then lesbian... and now im realizing that i'm a pansexual transgender guy, who seems to be very attracted to men. Lol, like who would have thought the person who used to cringe during convos about guys would not only end up being one but also be attracted to them...lol.. my life..

    I'm still adjusting to my feelings, and its hard. It really is. I get that. What's helped me is to try my best to not feel guilty for any of the thoughts that I have. (even if my attractions are making me have the most seemingly 'inappropriate' thoughts) I try to take a second and remember they are just thoughts. Its okay, everyone has thoughts. Its how you act on them and react to them that will influence you and others.

    For me, it caused more hurt when i was trying to repress or place judgement on my self for having the thoughts. Back before I realized I was trans, I detested the idea that guys were attracted to me, so I assumed I wasn't attracted to men, and any feelings that I had I shoved out of my mind. And now its sort of odd having these feelings surface again, but accepting them is better than denying them.

    And given time, after the new feelings and thoughts are adjusted to, the fear goes away because they are no longer unknown. And given time the new feelings that were once terrifying will open up new doors to new opportunities to a new kind of happiness, memories, and experiences.


    But I know it takes time to get there, so in the mean time, hang in there, and know that you're not alone. (*hug*)
     
  7. Synthetik

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    Please understand that the next few questions I'm going to ask are not in any way intended to upset you or invade your privacy, nor should they be considered an exclusive or implicit cause for any preferences (like asexuality) we might discuss. Of course feel free to tell me to back off, but it's important to rule these things out or talk about them in a healthy and constructive way if necessary.

    Have you ever experienced any kind of unwanted or negative sexual advances in your life, perhaps during your childhood? These reactions to the idea of sex that you've described, like physical nausea and intense disgust, are extremely powerful and could indicate underlying trauma. Again, it's completely possible and perfectly acceptable that some people simply don't feel physical/biological sexual desire or the need to include sex/romance in their meaningful relationships, but in my experience, that usually manifests as simple disinterest, and maybe some related anxiety over feeling different or non-normative, or even mild aversion. The idea of you running into the bathroom to dry heave over a discussion about sexual activity, however, makes me wonder if there is more than just a disdain for biological pleasure and reproduction at work here.

    Also, when someone finds you sexually attractive, have you determined for sure that your negative reaction is solely due to your feelings of disgust towards sexuality? Is it possible that you could experience some kind of fear or self-loathing over the idea of being desirable, maybe because of what it might mean about how other people would like to affect you? It makes perfect sense that you'd want to avoid being viewed as a sexual being if you did not want to be a sexual being, for example just like I don't want to be called 'athletic' when I have a negative bias towards playing sports, but if it causes you more complex emotional distress than the primary factor of a wrongly-perceived identity, there might be other factors involved.

    If none of these things are accurate or you just don't want to talk about them, we can forget about all of this and just focus on helping you reconcile your developing feelings of sexual attraction.
     
  8. AceNoMore

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    Thank you so much for your response.

    My uncertainty is just so frustrating to me because my sexual orientation was one of the few things in my life I was always so sure of. And I feel like I fought so hard to be accepted as an asexual, and it makes me so incredibly angry that all of those closed-minded people who would always rudely tell me "You're not asexual, you're just a late bloomer!" were actually right.

    And I guess I just always imagined my life would be a certain way, but these feelings just decided to take hold of everything I knew and was comfortable with, and completely turn my life upside down, and it's terrifying.

    I guess the reason I'm ashamed of these feelings is because they're so new, and feel so unnatural to me, and I don't really understand them or know how to deal with them.

    I hope you're right, and that I do come to an understanding of myself in the future. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has felt uncertain about themselves, and I hope that it really will get easier as time goes on.

    ---------- Post added 28th May 2015 at 05:07 PM ----------

    I cried when I read your response because I feel like you understand what I'm going through so well, and it's just such a relief to know that there are people who understand.

    Ever since I've been trying to confront my feelings after coming out to my friend, each day has been so incredibly rough, and I feel so emotionally drained. I need to work on moving past the unwarranted guilt and self-judgement like you have because it's killing me inside. I know you're right, and accepting my feelings is better than denying them, it just doesn't seem like it at the moment because I'm so overwhelmed. But I'm so sick of trying to hold on to the past and dreading the future, I want to be happy with right now.

    I hope that I really will get used to having these feelings, or at least be okay with being confused. Even though you say you're still adjusting, you sound so comfortable with who you are, and that gives me hope that I can one day get to that point.

    Thank you so, so much for responding to my post. It feels so good to hear that I'm not alone. (*hug*)
     
  9. Chip

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    People inherently seek certainty and grounding in their lives, particularly if they grew up in an environment where things were unstable. So identifying yourself as asexual, even if that turned out to be incorrect, was, essentialy, a way for you to take control, to create certainty, and to assert yourself.

    So it makes complete sense that, as you're discovering that you do, in fact, have the normal sexual attraction feelings that most people experience... it could be extremely destabilizing, and be a source of anger and fear.

    Remember that, as strongly as you attached your self-identity to being asexual, coming to terms with realizing that isn't the case is going to cause the same sort of loss process that anyone goes through when processing any coming-to-understanding about sexual identity. And there are stages we go through in processing that loss: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So all of those feelings are normal.

    I would not jump to the conclusion that there's some trauma history in your background (though I also would not rule it out.) It is quite possible that the nausea and strong physical symptoms you're experiencing are a direct response to the loss of grounding you're feeling from letting go of the asexual identity.

    This is something you could really benefit from talking through with a competent therapist. I would suggest one with experience in sexual identity/LGBT issues, and, ideally, one who also has a lot of experience with family-of-origin and trauma issues.

    The good news is, this is something that you can and will work through, and I would not expect it to be something that will take a tremendous amount of time if you have a competent professional to work with.
     
  10. AceNoMore

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    Thank you for that disclosure at the beginning. It is definitely much easier to honestly answer these personal questions when I don't feel like I am being judged or like I have to defend myself.

    The closest thing to experiencing an unwanted sexual advance was when my friend tried to kiss me when I was four. I did get very angry about it, but I honestly don't think it's related. I of course could be wrong, but I don't have the same averse reaction to the idea of kissing as I do to the idea of sex. I know that there's of course the possibility of another time something happened that I just can't remember, but I have a lot of memories from when I was very little, and I'm also unfortunately the kind of person that holds onto bad memories. I honestly don't know why I have such an intense negative reaction to the topic of sex, and don't know if there is one "simple" explanation such as a traumatic incident. I do know, however, that in addition to asexuals who are sex neutral, there are other asexuals who are sex averse, but I don't know their stories/explanations or if they have one either.

    I do think that my negative reaction to people finding me attractive is because of my disgust for sex, and therefore not wanting to be thought of as a sexual being, but also my disgust for my own body. I think my body, as well as any other human body, is gross, and I do not want any attention for it, whether it be "positive" or "negative". And I also think that now that I have these new feelings that I am so uncomfortable with and have not come to terms with, someone finding me attractive makes me feel antagonized.

    Thank you again for the thought-provoking questions.
     
  11. Synthetik

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    Absolutely. This is, after all, just an internet forum -- and hopefully a supportive environment -- and people come here to share their thoughts and engage in (also hopefully) meaningful discussions with others from a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences, not be judged.

    Based on what you described of your youth, I definitely agree that an unwanted kiss from a friend doesn't seem related. Like Chip said above, a professional therapist would be a better outlet for 'officially' ruling out the influence of potentially repressed traumatic memories, but for the purposes of this conversation, I completely accept your answers to my two questions. Basically, answering those questions helps to better direct your focus when considering all these very complicated thoughts and ideas, like checking to make sure every door is locked before proceeding until you find the right one that opens. Does that make sense?

    As for your feelings about the human body in general, I actually completely relate. I personally find the prospect of being trapped within a single physical form, particularly this fluid-filled secreting sack of semi-autonomous meat, to be a slow and agonizing experience during which I spend most of my time trying to forget or waiting to die. It's an unfortunate reality, but presently an inescapable one-- so I figure, why not take advantage of the conveniently self-fulfilling biological cycles at my disposal? Hedonism is a paltry solace for nihilism, but it's not a bad way to while away the time.

    So my next question, if you're still interested in testing some doorknobs to see if they turn, will be: on those two occasions when you did feel some form of sexual attraction to another person, was there anything specific about their physical bodies that you noticed? You said that this attraction starts with personality-- were there mannerisms you observed that seemed to reflect an aspect of the personality in a noteworthy way, like a direct physical manifestation of some trait? For example, an 'artistic' personality might manifest through graceful motions of the hands, or a 'generous' personality might manifest through frequent demonstrations of affection with gentle touches.

    Provoking thought is what I aim for. *Goofy grin*
     
  12. AceNoMore

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    It is extremely unsettling to feel I no longer have control over that part of my life, it's very frustrating and scary. And I definitely do feel like I'm going through the stages of loss (a few of the stages at the same time actually). I feel like a piece of who I am died, and like my world has turned into complete and utter chaos. But it's nice to hear that feeling this way is a normal reaction.

    I was very hesitant to post to this forum, but I'm so glad that I did. Talking about everything has definitely helped me a lot, and I do plan on finding a therapist now so I can hopefully get to that last stage that is acceptance.

    Thanks so much
     
  13. Reptillian

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    I myself has lost sexuality over the years, and I'm ace. When my birthday hits, I'll be ace for more than 5 years.
     
  14. AceNoMore

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    Thanks, and yes, that definitely makes sense.

    I'm not sure I have a real answer to this one. I'm not really sure what it is specifically about their physical bodies that attracts me...I guess I just feel drawn to them and have an urge to fool around with them? I'm not really sure how to explain it since I don't fully understand my feelings.

    One of them, I just have a very slight romantic attraction to and an even more minute sexual attraction to. With my friend who I've liked for four years, we've been friends for six years and we're pretty close, so there's definitely been demonstrations of affection, but I'm not sure if that started before or after I developed feelings for him. If there are any specific mannerisms or gestures they have that I'm attracted to, I haven't consciously noticed.

    Sorry, I'm really unsure about how to answer this, I just really don't know. It's an interesting question though, I'll definitely be on the look out for something the next time I see them.
     
  15. Synthetik

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    There's no need to apologize, darlin'-- these questions are for you, and you alone, intended to give you a more concrete process for approaching all this confusion instead of just talking yourself in circles. I know what that's like, and it can be exhausting. It always feels better to have somewhere to start, and it sounds like we've just found an open door you can consider at will.

    Here's something else you may be interested in thinking about. I've done a lot of exploration into the concept of lust, mostly for the reasons I described in my last post-- being inside a body feels incredibly alien to me, and that includes using this body to perform actions in the physical world. I often feel a kind of heightened appreciation of a sexual nature for other conscious beings and their bodies, like a form of desire, but I constantly struggle with understanding how to consummate it. Strangely, lust is not something that inherently requires an outlet for expression; it's possible to feel an urge to simply experience a source of desire in some way, but not automatically know how or even want to use one's own body in order to interact with it. Interaction is not a requisite for lust; sometimes actually involving one's own body in the experience of desiring another person is not satisfying, and does not seem to genuinely conclude the feeling, or even interferes with it. Have you ever felt that way?