Why identify as bi if I'm only dating men?

Because sexuality isn't about who you date. There are gay men and women around the world who, for whatever reasons, choose to enter relationships with those of the opposite sex. It could be for fear of persecution, or pressure from family, but the end result is the same.

It would make sense that you'd feel "something" when around those you're attracted to, and nothing when you're not (or not thinking about it). It goes the other way, too: plenty of bisexuals still choose to ID as bi even after being in long-term relationships with same-sex members. In fact, it's one issue many bisexuals have: that people assume they're straight when they're in opposite-sex relationships, and gay when in same-sex relationships. Visibility is still a huge issue for us, unfortunately.

I wouldn't force it. If you don't feel anything for women now (or ever), what good is trying to force yourself to? You've admitted to being more attracted to men, which is coming far in itself, so why take steps back and undo the progress? There is no "ideal" bisexual. It doesn't mean having threesomes, being 50/50 on the scale, or dating men and women.

If they (partners) have an issue with it, tell them it's not their choice. If they keep pushing it, you have to decide whether it's something worth fighting over, and the potential consequences.

 

Jax, identify however you identify...call yourself what you're comfortable calling yourself. If you have some level of attraction to women, though, then if a partnership gets serious, it would be most honest (and maximally avoid potential eventual hurt feelings or accusations of dishonesty) to acknowledge that attraction (however sporadic) to your partner. Just be clear about how uncommon it is, and how you intend to remain monogamous and to not date women. If they are worth their salt, they'll understand and not be threatened by that.

Myself, I tend to *want* people to see/acknowledge me as bisexual. I don't go to extremes for this (I *don't* cry it from the mountaintops)...but if someone comments on me being straight, I mention my partner; if someone comments on me being a lesbian, I tell them they don't have sufficient information to draw that conclusion (or I'll specify that I am bisexual).

To me this serves several functions. First, it affirms my identity...it feels good not to have some aspect of myself hidden, even though I'm not ashamed of it. Second, it does add to the general visibility of bisexuals, and I'm all for that. And third, it cuts down on the "huhwha?" flabbergast factor should I ever be in the position of having a male partner...or the "everyone thinks (for good reason) that you're a lesbian" factor, should I ever be in the position of *looking* for a male partner.

But your needs are different. Do what ya do, and I really hope you can start to relax about it and feel comfortable at some point.

 

I think that it is best to do whatever it is that makes you feel most comfortable. If you have those attractions to girls, I wouldn't really try to suppress that, in the same way you wouldn't suppress your attractions to guys. It's easiest just to accept the feelings as they come, and live your life without worrying about attaching the "appropriate" label to yourself. Telling your partner that you're bi would just be a part of giving him a better understanding of you as a person, and adding transparency to the relationship.

 

One of the challenges of being bi-sexual is when you bump up against the societal norm of monogamy, which forces a choice. The choice is easier when you are 100% gay or straight, since you only have to choose the partner. It would be helpful if there were a notion of bi-sexual monogamy per gender, that is, you can be monogamous by dating 1 guy and 1 gal. Yes this is a leap

I'm with the other posters that you should identify in a way that's right for you. There is no central sexual orientation certification committee.

 

It makes sense that when you're feeling attraction to a male that's affirming your identity as gay/bi. If you're around guys you don't find attractive that doesn't mean you stopped liking men altogether, it just means you don't find those particular guys attractive. The same is true for women.

I understand a bit, consider it this way. Being gay or bi is not all of who you are. It is just one part of you. If you aren't concentrated on *that part* then maybe you just aren't thinking about being gay/bi at that moment. It doesn't mean you stop being gay/bi, it just means you're not so aware of it. It's still innate in you. For example, I don't stop having brown eyes when I'm not looking in the mirror. They're still there, and they are still brown, even when you aren't seeing them or thinking about them. But when you're looking at them, you can indeed say "yep, my eyes are brown." I think it's the same as when you are attentive to your feelings of male attraction.

As others have said, identify how you feel comfortable. If you feel gay describes you better than bi, then that is fine. But try not to force it. I know your frustration as I also feel in the middle of gay and bi at times, and just choose "gay" for now for simplicity's sake. Also remember that even if you choose to label yourself as gay, or bi, now, nothing is stopping you from changing that label when you learn more about yourself.

 

Jax, don't worry about making a label fit you or how you feel. Gravechild summed it up perfectly: sexuality isn't about who you date. Maybe you do have a leaning toward guys, but that doesn't negate you being attracted to women, even if it's less so.

In many ways I'm in the same boat as you, I only date guys, but that doesn't mean I feel nothing toward women. The label I give myself as "gay" is a quick blanket term, but not an accurate depiction of my sexuality.

It's up to you what you want to identify as and tell people what your orientation is, but it doesn't negate your feelings and attractions.

 

Just putting it out there, if you are attracted to both genders and choose to identify as gay then that is a form of bi erasure which is not good. I know it's hard to be okay with these different attractions (Believe me! I know!) but by you saying that you are bisexual, it helps with visibility. Just as someone saying they're gay helps.