You probably have posts like this constantly, but I have no one in my life I can talk to about all of this. I just need to get this off my chest and maybe you have some kind of advice for me. About 6 months ago I realised that I’m attracted to women. It was like I found a part of myself that I didn’t know I was missing. I came out to few friends as bi. Reactions weren’t enthusiastic, but somewhat positive. For the first time in my life I felt whole, I felt like myself. It helped me to accept myself. Then I started to question my attraction to men. I assumed as a default that of course I liked men, but remembering my past made me doubt that. I remembered that when I was younger and my classmates asked me if I liked any boy in school I lied and said that I did. I felt like I had to, like it wasn’t normal to not have a crush on anyone. The only crush I had in my life was pretty recent and it was a woman. Also I realised that since I can remember all the sexual thoughts I had about men had non consensual context. I blamed my religious upbringing for this, but now I’m not sure that’s the whole story. Despite the voice in the back of my head saying: “You’re not gay. It’s impossible. Not you.”, I am with every day more sure that I am in fact gay. I’m angry at myself for not realising sooner. I feel like I wasted so many years. I’m still in a denial phase, like it’s all not real. That tomorrow I will wake up and be “normal”. But I know I won’t. And I know that it is normal to feel this way. I don’t know why I felt better when I thought I was bi. Maybe it was because I felt like I was gaining something. Now I just feel lost. I feel so tired of not knowing for sure. I know that the only way to be more confident of my sexuality is to go out there and explore, but given my situation right now I’m just stuck. I am definitely not ready to start any relationship. I need to get my life together and probably seek some form of therapy for anxiety reasons.
It sounds like you already have a good grasp of the questions you've been asking yourself, and you're genuinely open to the answers you're considering. You're doing very well so far, and that's encouraging! Here are two ideas that might help. One, don't think of heterosexuality as 'normal,' because that's a very polarizing word with a lot of inaccurate connotations. Think of heterosexuality as common. It's more common to be heterosexual, meaning that version of sexual orientation simply occurs more often in the general populace, but being non-heterosexual is still perfectly normal, it's just slightly uncommon. Two, maybe a safer way to experiment would be to explore the possibility of having (or not having) attractions to men. Since you already know you're attracted to women and are wondering if they're the only ones you're attracted to, it will be much easier to rule out men than it would've been to try to discover women. It also won't attract any unwanted attention or force you to announce anything to anyone, and you don't have to start an actual relationship-- it can be as simple as trying to meet more guys to see if there are any sparks, or maybe going on one or two casual dates. If you don't find yourself enjoying the interactions, you can easily stop. I understand exactly what you mean about how the idea of being bisexual made you feel like you were gaining something. That's the main reason I call myself pansexual, in fact-- because it feels like my options are endless, and I can be satisfied in a relationship with anyone of any sex/gender... but of course, that doesn't automatically mean I will be. Even when you're bi, there are still plenty of people you won't be interested in, and ultimately, that means you're always pursuing what makes you happy when it comes to dating other people. So realistically, it doesn't actually matter whether you're gay or straight or bi, you will always be ruling some people out based solely on the fact that you're just not attracted to them. If you happen to rule out every single man you ever meet, that may make you gay, but it won't make you any less happy, because obviously being with those men would not have made you happy in the first place. Accepting and being comfortable with your attractions to people, whatever gender they may be, is the best way to go about having satisfying relationships for anyone, regardless of sexual orientation.
