Hello everyone this is my first time talking about my sexuality online. At least in a serious manner. Just a heads up this may be a long and emotional post. [And a little dark] I'm just really confused right now. Ok so around maybe a year and a half ago I came to the realization that I was attracted to girls. And since then, until somewhat recently I was pretty sure I was lesbian, sometimes I felt like I was a bi romantic lesbian. But the last few days I've really been thinking about it and well I haven't really crushed hard on a girl real or fiction ever. Not at least in the way I do for guys. What really got me rethinking my sexuality was that even after I realized I liked girls my crushes on guys real/fictional haven't decreased or stopped. When I have romantic fantasies they are about guys but I feel as if I more easily attracted to girls. But I'm still attracted to men it is just more confusing I guess. So I've been thinking of all the huge crushes I've ever had and they have all been of guys. Even after I accepted I might be a lesbian, I even bought a pride bracelet! Today I've gone from acceptance and happiness to panic and unrest. I've been self identifying as a lesbian for almost 2 years and now I'm just realizing I might be wrong. I'm not afraid of being either sexuality I'm just so at lost at what to think. In the back of my mind I always felt Bi ever since I was 13. I'm just starting to think now I might be a heteroromantic bisexual or a heteroromantic lesbian. Some of my confusion also comes from the fact that I've kind of had a hard time trusting guys or not panicking around them. I suffer from anxiety but it has for the most part always been worse with guys. To the point were I didn't trust them easy even if there was no attraction there. [Heads up next section is a little dark and sad so you may not want to read it] And I'm wonder if it has to do with an incident that happened when I was young, I can't remember how young but I was in elementary school still maybe 3-4 grade. On older man tickled me rather inappropriate I remember trying to get up but he would let me go right away. The details are fuzing but I remember it really bothering me. I eventually made the excuse I had to use the bathroom and hid out in there until my mom got back from the store. The man was her current boyfriend at the time. You know how people kiss other people in greeting? I remember him trying to kiss me like it was just a "Hey how you doing way," It came off as that to everyone else but it felt wrong to me. I just remember trying to move away from him when he did it. If anything else happened I can't remember it. I eventually told my mom years later after they broke up what happened. This would I guess be a pretty good explanation to why I don't trust guys. But I also had issues with girls when I was young too. I was in elementary school and a girl my age took advantage of me sexually for years until I got the courage to speak up and tell my mom. It was after this that I told her about what happened with her ex- boyfriend. So sorry forgetting really dark there, I just feel as though It was important to the overall topic. It feels good just to talk about it. I think I want to discuss it with my mother as well as she is one of the few people I came out too when I thought for sure I was a lesbian. I just wanted more time to think about all this. I'm very interested to hear what everyone thinks and if you want feel free to share your own experiences with me.
Hi Luka3029, Sometimes, especially to all us people who don't fit inside the strictly straight category, pinpointing your orientation (or gender) sucks. I'm not a lesbian and I feel like things probably work a bit differently for lesbians than they do for gay men but I'd like to try to give you a hand in this. Again, I probably don't quite get your perspective but bear with me while I try Now before start I want to say one thing, and I'm probably going to offend a lot of people when I say this, but sometimes I think we overcomplicate ourselves when we do try to label ourselves. Sometimes. I don't mean to attack anyone by this, but when I hear you mentioning all these really long words (heterorromantic bisexual, for instance) I'm instantly reminded of the way I felt when I was questioning, which was not so long ago, really. I'm a sucker for thinking and thinking and thinking until I've analyzed every single thought in my head, and when I began to question my sexuality (after coming out to myself as gay, ironically) I did this with an obsessive determination. I toyed endlessly with terms like homoflexible and heterromantic. Now that things are a bit clearer I realize that I didn't do myself a favor by being so annoyingly obsessive. It just made everything a lot worse. I feel like you are doing something a little similar (I might be wrong, but perhaps we are fellow reflective minds), and so my best advice right now would be to make a list. Put down the names of all your crushes ever on physical paper and then write down what you remember about each of them. To me this revealed a lot about what I was trying so hard to deny in myself. To you it might give some clarity when dealing with your feelings. And when you finish this label yourself in a different way. In dutch (my native language) the word gay (homo in dutch) has become a widely used term and has a very negative connotation. Also, I don't know 100% for certain what I am. I don't think anyone does. So I tend to come out to people not by saying I'm gay but saying I fall for guys, usually. You could use the same technique, by saying you usually fall for gals. This takes off some of the pressure. It also says nothing about whether you do or don't also fall for men, and maybe that gives you some freedom. You could also say that sometimes you fall for men, and sometimes you fall for women, and that you like them equally but in different ways. I'm not bisexual so I don't know if any of these would work for your specific situation, but I hope I was of some use. About the childhood experiences. I'm really sorry to hear about it. I wish I could say something powerfully uplifting and inspiring but I don't know any sentences that might smother your pain. All I can say is that you are not alone, and that things get better. A big virtual hug to you. Make sure you have people around you that you let in and who you can fall back onto if things become too stressful or confusing. Never allow yourself to become isolated. You need people to pull you through this. The forum helps but you also need physical people around you. Think about that. Good luck. I can't see or talk to you face to face but I believe in you. You can do this!
