I've been questioning my sexuality for 4 years. From age 8-14 I was exclusively straight, could only masturbate to women (not necessarily porn, just girls in real life), But when I turned 14, I kinda somehow lost that attraction, and as time went by, my attrractions started shifting from straight to gay... at least as regards my masturbation habits. I used to be a porn addict too. I would watch every category of straight porn, lesbian porn etc.. I do tend to check out women most of the time tho Am I gay or bi? Does every bi person go through this? Is that checking out thing only internalized homophobia? Because the checking out girls thing is kind of automatic, girls just "catch my eyes" so to speak
Hi Kellynec, First of all, and very stereotypically really (especially since you've already spent so much time questioning), try to relax. Not knowing for sure sucks big time (believe me I know how you feel) but eventually, whatever happens, things will be all right. If you're gay you're gay, if you're bi then you're bi. Neither of the two is the end of the world. Now from what I've gathered about discovering your orientation so far there are several pointers which give you an idea of who you feel attracted to. First of all sexually. You mention lesbian and straight porn, and I feel (at least in my very humble opinion) that that might point to you having a certain amount of attraction to women. You also mention a shift in habits at 14. What was that like, discovering gay porn? Did you feel like you discovered something better? Like you found what was right for you? Or was it simply another facet of you that existed alongside your attraction for women? Also, don't forget about the crushes. They are just as important. Who makes you nervous? Who makes you stutter when they talk to you? Who makes you lose your train of thought simply by being there? I think in that lies the difference between gay and bi. Either you only feel something for men or you have both feelings at once. I'm probably gay, and reading this makes me realize how confusing this is for you as a bisexual person. In any case, reflect on the broader picture. Try not to overthink things, because then everything becomes very vague and abstract. When I was questioning I would analyze every feeling I felt. Every time my eyes moved I'd ask myself why. Now that I'm passing that phase I realize it's better not to overanalyze everything. It just confuses you more. Look at the greater picture and remember the facts. Make a list (it helps). Good luck and remember you will get there when you are ready. And maybe you can even enjoy bits of the journey until you do.
Hey Daffyd, thanks for the reply! You mention lesbian and straight porn, and I feel (at least in my very humble opinion) that that might point to you having a certain amount of attraction to women. You also mention a shift in habits at 14. What was that like, discovering gay porn? Did you feel like you discovered something better? Like you found what was right for you? Or was it simply another facet of you that existed alongside your attraction for women? When I realized this shift, what I realized was that when I went back to the striptease videos on YouTube (girls, I found them damn hot actually), they did nothing for me any more. I felt nothing any more, it was just... nothing special that turned me on. That was VERY weird. This may have been internalized homophobia, but when I discovered the shift, I didn't go to gay porn. I don't watch gay porn all that often. Maybe twice a week, if at all. Porn, I only watch twice a week, it just bores me. Brings me nothing special. BUT I wanna be honest with myself, so lemme tell you that ever since, gay porn HAS turned me on. But tbh I think it's just some fantasies which I'm not going to live out. But they are definitely new, i.e the "shift" I mentioned. Before the shift, women were the only thing I could masturbate it. I watched a guy and it did nothing for me. What's more, it turned me off so much I just had go to lesbian or straight porn, focusing on the girls. As to crushes, I've never really had any except one that I will probably remember for the rest of my life. It was a German girl I met, she was 2 years older than me, it's not that I fell in love with her, I was just attracted to her. I was like "Damn... wow" if you catch my drift. But once I realized I had "accidentally" made a fool out of myself before her, well, that struck me. Like, I didn't want her not to care about me. Those was really really deep feelings. The feeling I had was something like this: like a punch in your stomach, like someone you like is going away from you and you're afraid you'll never see her again... Actually, nowadays neither sex makes me nervous in real life. I think it's mostly psychologic in my case. Look, before the shift, all I cared about in terms of attractions was girls and women. But most of the time, they kinda rejected me... didn't make me feel like a winner. I can clearly remember there was one girl I loved in terms of sexual attractions, she was hot, I wanted to pick her up, but instead a skinny fucker got her. I can clearly remember her making a remark about his skinny body "He has a nice body"... In that school, no one said that to me. To this day, this has struck me, got me really really deep, this feeling of rejection has haunted me ever since. So for this reason, for the past 4 years, even though secretly, so not openly, I've been kind of a mysogynist, my dislike for women and feminism is purely psychologic. I hate women (psychologically) because I feel none of my would-be-girlfriends appreciated me when I was hitting on them softly, in a non-douchy way. I just can't get over the fact that teenage girls think too fucking highly of themselves and just want a guy with a hulk-like figure whereas they have nothing to offer in terms of a nice female physique, seriously. But this is just me thinking these thoughts.
Takes a while to find out. I came out as gay first but now that I'm seeing a bisexual guy I realize that my attractions to woman haven't gone away. The attractions are still there. In fact all my life the attractions were there. Same for guys, but guys is where I'm interested the most.
Usually how long does it take for one to find out? I don't want to enter a relationship with a girl and then later find out that I'm uncapable of loving her the way she deserves it
I started questioning last year, near the end of June. Once June hits, it'll be exactly a year. For some people it takes longer than a year, and sometimes even shorter. Since everyone is different, don't stress on when you'll figure it.
My biggest problem with this whole "Am I gay or Bi or still pure straight but just fed up with porn" thing is that I don't want to lie to myself, I want to be honest with myself. I would label myself as gay because I masturbate to guys, but when I walk around or just do stuff in town, the only one I check out is girls. What I don't know is that if I ever were to have sex with a girl, would I do that while enjoying it, would I get it up? This is what prevents me from coming out to myself as "having turned gay"...
Being honest with yourself is the biggest step anyone can take. Sexual attraction is a funny thing, and can often confuse others on who they are attracted to. One other thing I would look for is feelings. Who do you have feelings for? However, even feelings may be something hard to analyze, especially when you may overthink it. No one turns gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, queer, etc. You are born as you are and that's what makes you different than everyone else.
One other thing I would look for is feelings. Who do you have feelings for? I don't suppress my feelings, but I think I've not had any for either sex for quite some time. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but I tend to see myself as an aromantic person. No one turns gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, queer, etc. You are born as you are and that's what makes you different than everyone else. I'm not going to argue with the fact that in 80% of the cases, that's true. But a change in sexuality has been documented for a long time, HOWEVER it didn't become of those people because they underwent some "ex-gay therapy" (which we all know does not help but harm the person). In fact, what they found was, that those gay people that "turned" straight actually did so unintentionally because their lovers had fallen in love with members of the opposite sex. Changing Sexual Preferences and Orientation After 50 - AARP
Try watching Prayers For Bobby. It helped me sort out which feelings were real and which were a pose to make people think I was straight. YMMV
