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Confused by my ED, porn preference, etc.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by James Beamer, May 30, 2015.

  1. James Beamer

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    Hi everyone,

    First post here, figured I would ask the real experts because therapists are not doing it for me and I cannot talk to anybody that I know about this.

    While my user name is fake, everything below is real. It is a bit long, but I am giving every detail in hopes that someone can relate. Some graphic language is used.

    - had a verbally/physically abusive mother, but my relationship with her right now is great. I never got therapy for it because it wasn't constant, but it did sap me of my self esteem and confidence.
    - Discovered porn before I was intimate with anyone. The progression went something like: straight, lesbian, gay, back to lesbian, then shemale and lots of it. I remember masturbating to all sorts of porn images/videos back before high speed internet and every subsequent genre was more and more exciting as the previous genre would lose its effect.
    - As a young kid/teen was always attracted to girls, however in high school seeing gay pornography was arousing. At the time though it never permeated my real life.
    - First girlfriend was around 17 and it was the only time I had no erection issues, was extremely attracted to her. Did however have a hard time finishing during my first ever BJ and used some porn memories to help me get off. Although it was 17 years ago, I believe it was the gay porn that I used.
    - Hooked up with a female friend that I was extremely attracted to, but we never had sex. Although I remember hooking up with her and not having an erection, got worried.
    - In college really abused the shemale porn, it was the most exciting thing I have seen and that usage continued for 8 years or so.
    - First full blown ED scenario with a girl at the same time (i am aged22 now). She was extremely cute and we would make out for many nights, finally got naked, she reached down and it was completely and utterly dead. Mortifying.
    - After college started dating another super attractive girl, the first night she went down on me it was dead. In time though as I got more comfortable with her I was able to get BJs without fantasies, but all attempts at sex failed.
    - Few years later met my first serious girlfriend, that relationship lasted about 4 years. I never stopped my porn habits, but scaled down a bit. Still shemales at the time. We had sex regularly, but it was always a struggle. My attraction to her was always so-so, nothing like my previous ones. In order to maintain erections I would use the shemale porn fantasy. The fantasy was *always* me being in a submissive position. Either being a bottom or performing oral on the shemale. I hated that I needed to use the fantasy, hated that it was my porn preference and always wondered why that got me off more than anything else. The only time I would really not require a lot of fantasy was in 69 position where I had extra visual/sensory stimulus.
    - After that ended, dated a bit and continued to have problems. Whether I was attracted or not did not seem to matter. Initial meetings were always scary, but I could never fully mantain normal erections for sex.
    - 5 years after that, met another girl with whom I spent another 1.5 years with. Very attracted and thought it was the one! Also had ED problems, but she was rather skilled and we got by. At this point I stopped ALL porn usage, but on occasion would masturbate to fantasy and that fantasy, as you guessed it involved shemales. If not shemales, then me in a submissive position with some anonymous guys. That girl ended up being batshit crazy and I finally got out of that relationship. It was emotionally taxing, she hurt me way too many times and despite all that I was still madly attracted to her. Crazy.
    - So at this point I know that I *love* women, but have had ED with every single one. Physically I am 100% fine. Checked out multiple times over. I worry about my porn preference and fantasy preference. Everywhere I google, I see that if you think about or masturbate to gay-related material you are probably gay. However I feel no attraction to men, only to women, yet I can't seem to get an erection. So doubts begin to enter.
    - Fast forward to 6 months ago and I hook up with a very young, but super gorgeous girl. I found her so attractive that I think I gasped the first time I saw her, yet again my performance is bad, real bad. We were able to have sex here and there, but for the most part maintaining or getting an erection was a challenge. Many nights I would lie naked next to her and say to myself "that is it, I must be gay". For various reasons, she is no longer in my life after 1 month of almost living together - and I decide to stop all masturbation too.
    - Now I start noticing guys. I could always objective say that some guy is good looking, I never had any issues with that. Some actors like Brad Pitt or Ben Affleck are objectively good looking guys. Does not mean I want to get in bed with them, but now I am noticing good looking guys everywhere. Again I am not drawn to them I am just staring at them and wondering/worrying/asking over and over. What am I?
    - 3 months ago I get into a relationship with someone I was not strongly attracted to. I was hoping that after not watching any porn or masturbting for months that I would be fine. I am not fine. ED is worse than ever. The only thing that works is 69 where I can maintain and finish, everything else is impossible. Regular BJs do not work on me.
    - Fast forward to today. I am more confused than ever. As much as I love girls, want to cuddle them, kiss them, hold them etc, I am asking myself if I could do that with a guy. If I can imagine going down on a man or being a bottom, why can't I imagine being intimate.

    I saw therapists in the past and they all said that I am straight for various reasons. One suggested perhaps bi. I don't know how to act on it. Whether I can or should act on it.

    At the end of the day I have two pieces of information.

    1) I have pretty bad ED
    2) I used a lot of shemale and on occasion gay porn and while I also used my share of lesbian porn, the idea of being dominated by someone with a penis was the most arousing.

    I live with rather constant anxiety, questions, worry and can't talk about this with anyone. It is agonizing.

    (references to off-site forum removed by moderator)

    Would love, appreciate and really be grateful for ANY insight. In a bad place now.:tantrum:
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome!

    First, the anxiety is likely correlated to the arousal issues. Arousal and orgasm are a very complex integration of psychological, physical, and emotional. You might benefit from some relaxation or meditation work to calm the anxiety down.

    For you, staying away from porn is probably best. However, practicing mindful masturbation, done with intention and focus, might be really helpful. I think the first step would be to work on being able to consistently attain an erection and feel arousal consistently during masturbation. Also, frequency of masturbation could be impacting things if you're doing this a whole lot (more than a couple times a day.)

    Then, it might make sense to experiment with masturbating to different fantasies you create in your mind's eye (not memories of porn, but things you create.) I would suggest trying out fantasies of men in one session, and women in another, and seeing which creates greater arousal and excitement for you. That usually gives you a pretty clear idea of what's going on.

    Keep in mind that it is not uncommon for men who have same sex attraction to feel intense arousal while masturbating to fantasies of men, but to have intense shame immediately after orgasm. This doesn't mean you're straight; it is instead a pretty normal manifestation of a fear of being gay that isn't always conscious.

    Once you have a clearer picture of where your strongest arousal is, then it will be easier to focus on the partner issues and arousal there, which is a separate issue.
     
  3. brainwashed

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    Wow intense situation and one I'm not qualified to answer but I can offer you my views. I'm also challenged by your situation and see it as a learning experience.

    a) I agree with suggestion to focus on fantasies and not memories of porn - per suggestion by other ECs participant.

    b) You ask: why can't I imagine being intimate. I reply, it could be shame. I had absolutely know idea I was gay. No clue what so over yet I constantly looked at cute guys, wanted to be with guys rather than girls and would not refute people who put me down.

    c) There could be legacy trauma concerning your abusive mom - see below. And/or there could be a complex cocktail of shame and emotions.

    d) The Kinsey Scale of human sexuality ranges from 0 to 6. 1 - 5 deal with non absolute people. Thats a big range.

    e) Even though I am gay there are a limited number of women who turn me on big time. Thats why I say I'm a Kinsey 4-5. But you know what? I dont want to live my life with them.

    f) I've read the book: Coming Out of Shame..... Reference link.
    http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Out-Sh...433043401&sr=8-1&keywords=coming+out+of+shame

    Its a very good book. Very meaty meaning full of details. But it opened my eyes. There are a lot of good books out there. Have you ever considered a little reading research?

    Cannot remember the section but there was a real life example of a heterosexual couple who had trouble with sex. The wife had trouble performing. It came down to when she was a young girl and her dad constantly put her down. Basically she was filth. In real life she had not remember this but it was there just under the surface. Once identified a customized recovery program was set up for her.

    g) Sad to say there are a lot of therapist out there who are very good at taking your time and money. To love to "wing it" - basically bull shiters. So don't feel bad if you do not learn anything from them. Consider going with a GOOD online sex therapist.

    h) Your are welcome to write on my wall. Let me know how it'g going.

    i) Oh and did I tell you, I had absolute know idea I was gay. Lol.

    .
     
  4. James Beamer

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    Thanks for the responses guys, so here is what I am doing currently.

    - Still staying away from porn because it just takes me to weird places. I am not a fan of the entire industry and the objectifying of humans. Nor is it a realistic portrayal of human sexuality so I do not miss it nor do I think it is good for me.

    - Chip: I already tried that when I would MO during my previous relationship. I can masturbate to girls, or current girlfriend or any specific woman. I can also do that to gay fantasies, but never with any specific guy because there is no guy that I know with whom that would be appealing. So instead it is always just a penis attached to a random body. I would say that my fixation is best described as a penis fetish because I prefer it on a very feminine shemale. They can both give me equally satisfying arousal but the major difference is that one I have done and I have never done. The stuff I have never done naturally has the excitement/fear/taboo component which makes it that much more fun.

    - Just started meditation and relaxation techniques. All the anxiety and stress probably not helping with the erection situation.

    brainwashed: i see what you are saying, so I would say I can definitely say the following: I want to live with a woman, hug/kiss/be with them. I want to get married and have kids and want a woman by my side. However my fantasies involve being dominated by a man. So I have no idea how to reconcile the two desires.
     
  5. Chip

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    That seems like a very sensible decision.

    So I think if you look at those two paragraphs together, a possibility comes to mind: I think it's possible, maybe even likely, that you do have attraction to guys and are closer to the gay side of the spectrum, but the desire for "normalcy" is getting in the way of letting you really open to that possibility. That may well not even be in your conscious mind.

    If that's the case, it would totally make sense why you wouldn't be able to easily come up with gay fantasies; most people could imagine some guy they'd seen that is hot, rather than a disembodied penis attached to a generic body, so it seems quite possible that, by blocking the fantasy to a whole human being that happens to be male, unconscious effectively keeps you from getting in touch with the real sense of what it would be like to explore being gay. Add to that the conscious desire to be straight, and it seems quite likely there's some energy going toward avoiding the idea that you could be gay.

    Keep in mind... I'm not saying you *are* gay, just that what I described above is actually a pretty common occurrence for people who are in denial and just starting to address the feelings. It is also quite possible that you're straight, but if that's the case, it's hard to reconcile that with the desire to be dominated and the attraction to penises.

    It's also worth mentioning the stages of loss... the idea that whenever we have to process the loss of something (in this case, loss of identity as straight), there are stages we go through in processing it: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and we can go back and forth. So as you explore more, you might notice yourself experiencing some of those.
     
  6. James Beamer

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    Chip,

    Very wise, thanks for responding. So I would like to add one other thing about me based on a common theme I am seeing on these forums. The idea of 'crushes' or getting that 'butterfly' feeling when speaking to someone of interest. From the stories I see here on both the lesbian and gay side there is a moment for many folks where they just feel something click with a special someone. A hug, a look, etc.

    I have never felt that with a guy despite having many guy friends. I have a number of female friends too. Despite having a bit of an abusive childhood I still otherwise had a pretty standard upbringing.

    That longing, crushing, "in-love" feeling I have had strictly with girls. I enjoy spending time with guys too, but just shooting the shit and hanging out. I have never ever in all my years longed for any of my male friends. Even when friendships dwindle and break down as they sometimes do I never miss the guys. different story with girls. Including hooking up with them.

    I guess my big question is can I separate the purely fantasy sexual desire from the feelings and can I separate my ED from my fantasies?

    So there are three things happening in a nutshell.

    - I crush, crave and long for women.
    - I have ED with women
    - I "prefer" in terms of quickest arousal a gay/shemale fantasy, but also love lesbian (and used many times) porn.

    At the very least I am somewhere on the spectrum, no?
     
  7. Chip

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    I think it's safe to say you're somewhere on the spectrum, but I'd be really reluctant to make a guess as to exactly where.

    One of the conundrums for people who have a strong desire to be straight is that the shields we put up when we're in the denial phase can effectively numb us. It's a defensive strategy of the unconscious, and explains why, for example, some people can go through their lives for 20 or 30 years and never realize they're gay... only to have one guy come along and sweep them off their feet because the attraction is just too powerful.

    So that's of absolutely no help at all to you :slight_smile:

    I do think it's possible there's numbing going on somewhere in the unconscious because of the desire to have a "normal" life. And it sounds like you've done some exploration of this in therapy with a number of therapists. That may or may not mean anything, as... unless a therapist is pretty familiar with LGBT coming out issues, s/he may miss the potential for numbing and misread it. Therapists are also very human, and unless they've really done their work, they have "blind spots" so it's quite possible for them to miss it. But... three in a row saying "no indication" indicates either that there really is no indication, or that, at the time, that part of yourself was less accessible.

    I do think experimenting with the different fantasies might help somewhat. It might also be interesting to do an experiment with yourself that Lexington sometimes suggests: Spend a couple of days acting with the mindset that you've totally accepted that you're gay. Allow yourself to look at guys, think about guys in that way, masturbate to guys, act in every way like you've fully accepted that you're gay. Essentially "try it on." Then do the same with being straight. It doesn't always work, especially if there's a ton of armor and numbing going on, but often it does give enough insight to help you get a clearer picture.
     
  8. Confuseddude

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    Hey James,

    Let me start by saying that your story seems almost identical to my own. Most porn related orientation questions threads tend to have a lot of similarities but yours is very very similar to my own.

    Unfortunately I can't give much insight or advice that would be of much benefit to you. Instead I was going to talk about how my own experience relate to yours. I started writing a paragraph but realised that I was essentially just retelling your story lol.

    Can I ask one question regarding your porn addiction. How long did you abstain completely from all PMO? You mentioned that it was of no benefit to your ED? None at all? I feel like porn in iteself and more specifically the constant hope that one day I can actually give up porn has really held me back when it comes to accepting the probable fact that I am actually gay. Giving up porn has been like giving up crack so it has been like giving up crack so needless to say it's been a very long battle which has lasted nearly 3 years. That's 3 years that I've been able to maintain the hope that there is something that would allow me to actually perform with women. Everyone knows you can't change being gay (well not everyone in the world but I certainly did) but you can change a porn addiction.
     
  9. James Beamer

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    Chip: I feel like my world is literally melting down right now, I am feeling an overwhelming anxiety/fear and sometimes downright nausea. The worst part is that I am in no way against gay or gay sex. I have a very live let live attitude and the more the merrier. If I could enjoy men and women, I would! We have one life and why not receive as much pleasure as possible?

    The problem is that this is driven primarily from my ED and my porn preference. I never had crushes on guys, never had fantasies about any guy and have no romantic inclination towards men. I realize what you are saying about the subconscious and it all quite complex and nuanced, but if there is one theme that seems to persist from all the posts here it is this: guys just know. Women are more complex and their sexuality is fluid, guys just "know". At least that is the message. The only thing I ever knew is that I longed and chased after girls. But I had one dark secret. I sometimes watched gay porn and got off to it. I sometimes masturbated to gay thoughts. They never translated to real life - it was just two separate things, but these separate things had one common thread - my erectile dysfunction. I can tell you for sure, 100%, that if I had no ED I would just live with my fantasies.

    You keep telling me to experiment with my fantasies. I have embraced them all my life. I had girlfriends, relationships, was in love with girls and hung on to my fantasies. Since I never had anything homosexuality they just coexisted. But...after quitting all porn two years ago and quitting all masturbation 6 months ago, something happened. I can't explain what it is, but it is awful. Nothing materially changed, but I would walk by a dude that may be good looking and immediately panic and wonder "why did I look at him" "what does it mean". I never did that before. Ever. had plenty of guy friends all my life, plenty of male co-workers, some are good looking some are not - but never ever did I have any thoughts about them.

    Yet after quitting all PMO (porn, masturbation+orgasm) I am flooded with doubts and confusion. Just. Don't. Get it.

    Who is Lexington? May I get a link to this suggestion? I am interested in trying it, but I am fearful. Today I was driving to a date and nearly had a panic attack. What if I am not attracted to her? What if I am supposed to go after guys? I never thought like that before and always looked forward to going on dates with girls looking for the one.

    My life feels like a complete mess right now.

    Confuseddude: There were quite a few benefits. Let me clarify that I never stopped MO, just the P. I cut out MO 6 months ago, but for the past 3 months was in a relationship where I had weekly O, but it was from either a BJ or HJ and on occasion PIV sex.

    - Morning wood came back after about 3 weeks.
    - Anxiety went down.
    - Less wet dreams, a lot less.
    - I was actually in a very serious relationship (the 1.5 year one) and was madly in love with this girl. At one point my erections were very strong and we had great sex, this went on for over a month. However at other times it would not work at all. So OVERALL with that relationship, my ED improved but it was erratic. However if you look at my relationship that *just* ended it was the worst ED i ever had. So I am clueless as to what is happening to me.
     
  10. James Beamer

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    Confuseddude:

    I answered in a long reply, but it needs to get through the moderator.

    So I am curious as to what your situation is now? I see that you are listing yourself as bi-sexual? How did you come to that decision?

    How old are you? How long as this been going on?