So here's my story of how, at 45 years old, I am questioning my sexuality. I am a divorced male who has been single for two years after a 12 year marriage. I have two great children. I will also mention that I am an alcoholic who has not drank for 20 years but I think I still struggle with addiction related issues. I have isolated a lot since my divorce. I have not felt happiness in a long time and recently I am strongly questioning my how my sexuality may play a role in my happiness and sobriety. I do consider myself attracted to women, however I become more excited at the thought of being with a man. I watch gay porn almost exclusively and have great feelings of regret and shame afterwards. I have been with a couple of guys in a hookup type situations since my divorce and found them to be intensely pleasurable but feel that shame immediately after.....to the point that I got up and left both situations immediately and rudely. I can go periods of time where I am convinced that I hetero, but I always end up back to questioning and that is happening more frequently lately. I have done some reading on the internet and, at this point, I think I am emotionally attached to women, but physically I get more gratification from the thought of men. I am going to seek out a counselor to help with this. I also have some questions for others who can maybe relate to what I am going through. Do the feelings of shame subside or is it an indication that I am really hetero? At this point in my life, if I am gay, I am ok with that and would look forward to the hard work ahead that will hopefully lead to happiness. Coming out would be very difficult for me because homosexuality has a very negative stigma in my family. For men who start out without the emotional attachment to men, like me, does the emotional attachment grow as one accepts oneself more?
