I can't deal with the not knowing

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I actually can relate a lot as questioning has become very distracting and overwhelming for me too. I don't know if I'm questioning because I'm actually not straight or for another reason. For me, the other reason is that whenever guys would like me, it scared me. It was a fear of relationships that caused me to question and it could very well be the same if a girl liked me I think. Could there be a reason similar to this that you're questioning?
Also, 2 years is a very long time to question if it doesn't mean something. I think that when you start overthinking and sexuality so much like this, it kind of clouds your vision and actually makes it harder to feel attraction towards people without questioning it. I know you can't just stop overthinking very easily, but if you could try to think about it a bit less sometimes it might make things a bit more clear.
I have many of the same doubts you do, like how gay/bi people knew from a young age. I think the reason this is different for me is that I'm either overthinking it now (because I have felt some attraction towards girls and now I don't as much) or perhaps that I'm not fully sexually or emotionally developed so it's not going to be as clear for me just yet.
The things that make me doubt my questioning are that
1) I started questioning because I felt I couldn't be with a guy
2) I've kind of liked guys before but I'm not sure if I've liked a girl
3) Like you said, it's just a good time and environment to question and I have lots of queer friends.
But there are reasons I am questioning, like certain attractions I felt. Try to think back to before you started thinking about your sexuality a lot. Were there any childhood friends who were girls you felt drawn to in a weird way? If you've ever liked guys, do you think it felt forced?

I'm sorry if this was confusing but I hope it helped a bit. Maybe we can chat some more since we're kind of in the same boat?

Also, have you come out to anyone yet? If you haven't, maybe try coming out to a person that you're confused. Sometimes it can help just to have someone else know even if you can't really tell them your exact orientation yet.
Best of luck!(*hug*)

 

sounds to me like the biggest pressure on you to embrace one label or another is all internal. I don't think you should be in such a hurry to choose and even if you do you could still change your mind later, so why pressure yourself so much?

not questioning things means you've given up and are just accepting things as they are, so I don't see it as pointless at all. as for the people that have known from a really young age, its good that they did, but this forum wouldn't exist if that applied to everyone.

I would suggest you give yourself a break. if you can't decide now, you could try and ask out someone to take your mind off all this and maybe having something else to focus on will help you figure things out.

I wish you luck my friend. (*hug*)

 

I think Bubbles and Purple gave you good advice, there's no reason to rush into any label or put pressure on yourself. You mentioned being distracted in class, so I'm guessing you're fairly young. I've been struggling with my sexual identity for years and I know how painful it can be.

For me, it was more about freaking out about being attracted to girls, feeling shame, trying to suppress it and ignore it, and driving myself crazy and into depression before finally making peace with myself. But it took a LONG time to get there. A big part of that was because I was raised in a religious family with parents who make it very clear they don't support gay rights. I'm still not out to them. I dread it, honestly. But I've accepted myself and that's made my life much better!

Your situation sounds a bit different. Have you been in any relationships? Are you attracted to both guys and girls? Maybe instead of putting pressure on yourself you could look forward to discovering yourself and seeing where it takes you with relationships.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but are you sexually turned on by girls? In my case, with guys it was like trying to start a fire with wood that's been left out in the rain. No matter how hard I tried (and I did try, a lot), I wasn't interested in guys sexually and couldn't get that flame going. But with girls it was like one spark and there was a roaring fire. I knew there was no doubt, but I refused to accept it and kept banging my head against the wall. :bang:

And I still don't use a label. Lots of people here don't, and you don't have to either, even when you do get it all figured out.

 

I'm sorry to see that you are so upset about the confusion of what or who you are. What are some specific things you are confused about? For a 14 year old however you seem to be quite intelligent, I don't think I had half the vocabulary that you have at that age lol while I knew around your age that I was pretty much straight and attracted to girls, it was impossible for me to know forsure. I was just coming to grips with hitting puberty, discovering hair in places that seemed ungodly! I can't imagine what it's like for a girl to go through puberty. I didn't know how to talk to girls, let alone what to do with them. I think by your age I also wasn't kissed yet, maybe a peck on the check or holding hands. I believe it's almost impossible to know 100% who you are at your age. I understand that people may have a certain feeling or believe they are a certain way, but it's definitely too early for you. Don't let yourself become sick over trying to figure out who it is you are right now. I think what is most important right now is having a support system that can help you get through this tough time. That means you have to talk to your parents about what your feeling, unless for some reason they are irrational/unwilling to discuss the matter. If that's the case then use your school's supports system, guidance councillors/teachers/principals, and lastly I hope you have some friends that you can talk to about this as well. Because of your age most kids might not understand what your feeling, but you never know, one of your close friends might have the same confusions/concerns. Give yourself time to discover who you are by being a 14 year old. I'm 23 years old and I still don't have all the answers, actually I'm not even close. I hope you listen to what some of the people have said because we all have different life experiences to share, and there are lots of people who want to see you be happy with who you are and not what you can define yourself as being.

 

Hey - I'm sorry you're stressing about this so much. I know a lot of peoples advice are/will be to just try to not label right now and not worry about it and just go with the flow for now and it'll become clear soon enough. but i also know that's pretty hard to do when you're trying to define yourself.

In regards to the quote above - that is not at all true for many people. If you look at the forum for LGBT later in life on here... a LOT of people don't really even realize it until much later in life. I personally didn't realize until my mid 20s which is very weird because I, like you, come from a very liberal/open family. I had gay friends and family members my whole like and was very supportive of LGBT issues, and yet just never put two and two together and realized I fit in there. But once I did I realized all these signs my whole life that pointed toward it, it's quite weird. All I'm saying is - I think 14/15 is still very young to really figure this out. Some people know for sure at age 9, and that's great for them to be so confident, but not many people are that lucky.

Your teens are pretty much made for questioning. For many people it's not necessarily for questioning sexual identity...it could just be questioning where you want to go to school, or what group of friends you want to be apart of, or what you want to DO in 5 years ( that last one wont stop, just fyi ). You may have a bit more things to question than your other friends, but shouldn't stress you out so much...it will become clear I promise. One day, probably in the next year or two, you'll meet and girl/boy and just know. There will probabl be a lightbulb moment where you're like "yup...this is what i want..and this is what I am"

Until then I'm not sure there's much you can do to rush identifying yourself. At least that's my opinion...

I hope it all sorts itself out (*hug*)

 

I'm a 21year old male and just wanted to let you know that I am kind of in the same boat and you are not alone...like I constantly think about where I didn't used to...one minute I think I know and the next I don't. I know I'm attracted to guys and maybe possibly to women but it's like I don't know if I am gay or bi, in denial about being gay, or have biphobia....

 

I was in the same boat as you. I went from denial to thinking I'm bi to pan to gender fluid back to pan etc. You just have to take some quiet time and think about yourself. Where do you see yourself. If you still don't know then you maybe dont need to know right now. Just be you, that's all that matters.

 

This may not be of much help, but sometimes when I'm driving myself crazy about this stuff, there are a few ways I try to logically think about it and sometimes that helps:

1) Usually when I'm wondering about my sexuality, I'm thinking about all my observations about my attractions so far. I think about all my experiences with being attracted to people and how much I was attracted to them or if I even was and what does that mean? But the thing is, if after thoroughly analyzing all your experiences thus far in life hasn't gotten you the answer, then sitting and thinking about it more isn't going to change things. You'll just have to wait for more experiences to come along.

2) You can't control what you feel, you just can't. If you find yourself trying to confirm that you're attracted to girls by looking at girls and you don't feel anything, you can't help that, even if you really want to. Sometimes I get kind of annoyed with myself for not being able to feel attraction but you have to remember it's not your fault and that's something you can't control. We're humans so we like to have control over everything, but that's one thing you can't control and unfortunately you just have to let it happen on its own.

3) Think back to a time when you were caught off guard by being attracted to someone. Like, it just happened without you asking yourself first if you could be attracted to someone. If after this happened, did you overthink it? If so, you probably started doubting and wondering and eventually it didn't mean as much and you're not sure if you even felt it because amidst all the thinking and pressure, you can't remember how you really felt in that moment. That's what happens when you overthink. It makes things harder.

4) You're 14 years old. It may hardly seem like it now but you are very young. You may just not be matured enough to feel strong sexual attraction to people, and maybe not emotional either. These things can come in time, but you can't rush them as much as you'd like to and as much as I'd like to! In the future, you're going to meet different people, make different friends, and learn a lot of things on the way. Then before you know it, one day you'll be looking back on this time wondering why you were ever so worried about it in the first place.

I hope these things put you at ease a bit. But even when you can't help but stress about it all, just remember that you can't put pressure on yourself. If you can't figure it out yet, you just can't and that's the reality. You can't make yourself figure it out. So go easy on yourself and try to have patience (even though I know it's very difficult sometimes). Good things will come in time and you'll learn a lot about yourself and the world you live in and eventually things will start to make sense and this won't seem so bad. I hope this helped and wasn't too rambly!