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Complications

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by heartsofdark, Jun 2, 2015.

  1. heartsofdark

    Regular Member

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    When I was about 4 or 5 years old I was sexually molested by male relative (who is now deceased). I held back these memories for years but those rose back up about a years and a half ago. This great fear and pain that has been inside me for all these years, I finally realized were it is coming from.

    I am not ruling out that I might be gay or bisexual. Though I'm more from the "love is love" school of thought when it comes to sexuality. However anytime a man approaches me or I can feel a guy checking me out this great fear awakens inside of me. I have a dick and can tell when a guy is either just talking to me as a friend or has ulterior motives. It makes me uncomfortable. It fills me with that great fear and pain.

    I masturbate to straight and gay porn constantly. An unhealthy amount. I will attempt to stop for awhile but then end up regressing. I masturbate to porn 5-7 times a day. I know the porn only furthers the confusion. I've realized that the reason I look at porn so much has something to do with what happened when I was younger. I have had difficulties getting hard the first time I have sex with someone but after the first time the sex is enjoyable and fulfilling. I don't like causal sex because I feel like there needs to be some level of trust or intimacy with someone before I sleep with them.

    I think I am dealing with PTSD but don't make enough money to see a shrink even though I know I probably should. I feel a great reversion towards men who are sexual towards me. I've kissed my fair share of guys and everytime I do I just don't feel anything. It feels like Im kissing my dad or something. I feel more inclined to be abusive towards men because I don't really care about them or their feelings.

    Sorry to unload all this but it's been on my mind. All my life I've found it difficult to get close to and trust others. I lost touch with my friends easily and feel startled and tense often. Thing is I know deep down I can be a charming and enigmatic individual but it feels like all this shit is blocking it. I tried to pure willpower way but it seems like until I finally deal with this I won't stop living in this artificial detached world of pornography & isolation.
     
  2. SoccerGuy21

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    I'm sorry to hear about the awful things you had to go through as a very young child. I could only imagine the vast amount of different emotions you must have felt as a kid and are obviously struggling with now. I myself luckily never had to go through something like that but I know a few people, who are either my direct family members/close friends who have gone through similar situations. I think you uncovered something in your post that you should think more about. I can understand not having enough money to properly deal with the things that happened, but I think you must find a way for any of this to be resolved. You clearly still haven't had closure on the matter and the emotions that have been re-surfacing is just adding to your confusion. One thing I can relate to is the feeling of isolation, which now that I think about is somewhat brought on by pornography. I don't masturbate to the extent that you do, and I have also/am also dealing with addiction issues which highly correlates with this problem. The fact that you have kissed other men and the fact that you said (someone) when referring to sex might mean you have experimented with men as well, then you obviously must have a certain desire to be with a man/men. I think something very helpful would be, if your ready and willing, to join a group for people who have been abused. That way you might be able to relate to people who are feeling the same or very similar emotions that you are right now. If you truly believe that you can be a charming and enigmatic person then I don't see why you won't be able to be those things again. I hope I somewhat helped or maybe even just allowed you to realize something from another perspective. I wish you all the best and hope you are someday able to come to grips with the traumatic experiences you had to endure as a small child.