Am I a "yestergay?"

I have an unusual life story, and I'm probably quite a bit older than most people on this site. I'm a bisexual man (about a Kinsey 2) in his forties, happily married to a woman of the same age.

I think I've always been bisexual, but I've gone under a few different labels. I've also spent much of my life being really freaked out by the fluidity of my attractions. (When I've been in a more light-hearted mood, I've joked with myself, "today is more of a heterosexual day," or "today is more of a homosexual day." My days are primarily heterosexual right now). For many years, I've also thought that no woman could love a man like me. As a young man, while very attracted to women, I was also wary of relationships, because I figured that if they discovered my "secret," they would vomit all over me. My one youthful relationship with a woman -- very hot physically, but emotionally dysfunctional -- convinced me of this since she did not react well to my "confession."

When I was in my mid-twenties, I entered into a romantic relationship with another man. Oddly enough, it was emotionally profound, but not all that sexual. He was gay, and demanded that I come out. (He eventually broke it off because I was still closeted, and also because he wasn't sexually satisfied). I did come out to quite a number of people, and began moving in the gay world. I did this even though I was quite aware of my attractions to women.

Why did I come out as gay, rather than bi?
-- I had been in an actual relationship with another man. My impression was that bi men had casual sex with other men, but not relationships.
-- I had not had much success with women.
-- I figured no woman on the planet would be interested in a man who had been in a relationship with another man.
--I had an extremely negative impression of bi men, fostered by a lot of leading figures in the gay community. Basically, I thought of bi men having anonymous sex and giving AIDS to their wives.
-- I perceived the fluidity of my attractions as being a curse, and I wanted a more "normal" orientation. I would have preferred straight, but gay was a million times better than bi, as far as I understood.
-- My ex (who remained a close friend for many years) was bi-friendly, as far as gay men go, but he still encouraged me to identify as gay. I was satisfied just being with him, so how could I be bisexual?

So I spent several years living my life as a gay man. Not totally out, but not really closeted either. But I noticed a gradual loss of interest on my part, going from dating vigorously to just having casual sex every now and then.

In my mid-to-late thirties, I noticed that I was increasingly attracted to women. Before long, I was experiencing something like a second puberty. I was having spontaneous erections, I was imagining fictitious girlfriends, I was all-but-hallucinating women by my side. It was the strongest sexual desire I've felt in my life. Eventually, I realized that I had to start dating women. (I could write a whole essay on my transition into the heterosexual world). Before long, I was doing pretty well! I soon discovered that I greatly prefer having sex with women to having sex with men. I mostly buried my "gay" past -- when I came out as bi to my ex-lover, there ended my longest friendship.

Now I'm married to a wonderful woman and I'm very happy. Our relationship began mostly with us fucking a lot, and our sex life is still pretty good. I'm still attracted to men occasionally, but less than I am attracted to women. Actual sex with actual men just isn't that important to me right now. My main goal is for our marriage to remain happy and satisfying for both my wife and me. She knows the basics of my sexual history (and that I identify as bi), but we don't talk about it much. I did tell her recently (just after we made love) that she had proven me wrong: a woman could love a man like me.

So what do I want out of life right now?

1. I'm kind of pissed at myself for having identified as gay all those years. (I'm pissed at other people, too). Not because I feel bad about having slept with men, but because I missed out on chances to be with women. Then again, most women won't date openly bisexual men. So it would have required me to remain totally closeted. I want to let these feelings go.

2. A man making a pass at me a few years ago, asked if I was "family." I really didn't have a good answer. I do identify as part of the LGBT community, but a pretty peripheral one. Maybe a second or third cousin. I still feel very weird about my identity. I'm not an "ex-gay," but maybe I'm a "yestergay." I identify as bi, but clearly on the hetero end of the spectrum. My wife doesn't want to be too public, because she hates men hitting on me.

3. I've found myself engaging in some odd on-line behavior, basically posting as a gay-identified man with an obsessive desire for sex with women. Basically, where I was several years ago. I want to stop this.

4. I avoid contact with several old friends who knew me as gay, because I don't know how to explain myself to them. I want to be open with them about my life.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this? I've thought about therapy, but I can't justify the expense.

 

I certainly appreciate being with my wife, but I was with other women before her, and I enjoyed them, too. Day to day, I am more attracted to women than to men. If I was single, I would date women exclusively. But I'm definitely aware of a secondary attraction to men. It doesn't seem to be growing or shrinking. It just is.

 

Actually, I'm very happy in my current relationship. My obsessive posting tends to be about being a gay-identified man who is experiencing strong attractions to women -- about where I was several years ago. I had a pretty solid gay identity until I realized that I was now much more attracted to women than to men. This was a scary feeling. I had to abandon a label that had meant a lot to me, without any real support. (There are no "Gay People Coming Out As Bi" therapy groups. There really isn't much of a bi community at all, especially for men). When I started dating and fucking women, I realized that I was really enjoying myself. But it also increased my feelings of having lost an identity without gaining another. You really can't be a gay man who loves fucking women.

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2015 at 10:11 AM ----------

In terms of my old friends, I'm mostly worried about how to disclose my relationship in a respectful way that won't leave them feeling hurt.

 

I am out to my wife. I am out to a few friends. I participate in some bisexual sites, but they are often heavily tilted toward bi-curious straight-identified guys.

My wife does not like my being out around her gay friends, because she is worried that they will hit on me. There are other issues there: her first BF later came out as gay, a lot of her gay friends are HIV-positive, I think she might worry that some of her female friends would think she was suckered into marrying a gay guy. On the other hand, we agree that I'm the perfect husband for a self-acknowledged "fag hag."

I have thought about going to a bi Meetup, just to be around other bi people. I don't think there's much reason for me to move in the gay world, if I'm in a monogamous hetero relationship, but I would enjoy being open about being bi with others.