So I've been identifying as gay for about 2 months now. I was so confident and happy when I realized that I was gay and was proud to say it. But now I think that I'm not gay anymore. I'm gonna start with my dad first. My dad isn't really accepting of LGBT. I kinda already knew that for about a year or two because when he found out that my older cousin is gay he said to me, "I'm not really down with that shit." I didn't really pay no attention to it until now. When I came out to my dad over the phone, he said some stuff to me that really hurt me. He said that the reason why I'm like this is because I have the mind of a boy. Then he asked me did I ever kiss a girl before. I answered no because its true. I never did. Then he said "well then how do you know if you like girls or not?" I told him because I just know. He laughed when I said that. Then he said "how could you make a girl happy if you don't even know how to be a girl?" That really hurt me because I'm not an average girl. I dress in boy clothes and have a boys haircut. That's what I like. I'm comfortable in boys clothes. I'm comfortable with my hair short like a boy. Hell I love it lol. Then this is when things really got nasty. On Mother's Day, I went to my uncle's friend's cookout and just to my surprise, my dad was there. I didn't really care at first, but then when I came back from the park, he was standing at the corner waiting for me. He said that he wanted to talk to me. Reason why, is because I'm gay. He said that I'm doing something wrong by dressing like a boy and being gay but he said it in an indirect way. He said that I was a fucked up individual and that what I'm doing is wrong. I was so upset that I broke down and started crying. He said some other stuff but I can't remember what he said. Now besides that, I still find myself wanting to be with a guy. I found it odd and I still do. It's weird. I have a boyfriend that I met online. We can only talk on Kik because he doesn't have a phone. I tell him that I love him but now I don't know if I actually do. I waited anxiously for him to respond to my messages today because he wasn't responding. I was worried about him but I'm not sure if I actually am. I know its weird and kinda doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. There was this boy that I met at the park this past weekend. His name is Isaiah. Even though we just met, I started liking him and wanted to be his girlfriend. I didn't tell him though because I didn't wanna make it seem awkward. Then there's this girl in my gym class that I constantly stare at. I even had the idea to ask her if she was gay or not but I didn't. I wasn't comfortable. I don't like her but I wouldn't mind dating her and kissing her etc. Well, at least that's what my mind is telling me. I don't know. Maybe my mind is testing me or playing games with me. Or maybe a part of me still is straight and the other half gay. I already know I like girls without any experience. But boys? I don't even know anymore.
It sounds like you have a lot of feelings going on that are confusing to you. I also see that you are quite young. At your age it's completely normal to question and be unsure of your sexuality. I don't think you should put so much importance on it. I'd like to ask if when you came out two months ago did you really feel like you were gay? It sounds like even then you had many doubts. It's possible you like both, or it's possible you are gay. I say experiment and just follow what you feel, whether it's boy or girl. Some of us never reaaallly figure it out. Just do what makes you happy!
Let me not get started about that father of yours, I'd be way too rude. Feelings are of the heart, unreasonable by nature and just are. Don't let anyone tell you who you are. I'm also questioning my sex stuff, and questioned my gender stuff for quite some time. My tip is, hold fast to what you're sure of! You seem sure that you like girls. Hold fast to that, and keep exploring the inner corners of your fantasies, maybe there are boys there too. Time will tell! You're strong. Don't mind what the world's assholes make of you. Be who you are and reach out when things suck a bit too much. You did great this time. Be proud of yourself Good luck! Xo <3
Maybe you are. But what he said made you question yourself? Or you could be into men and women. Sexuality (and gender itself) is a very rough situation. But I've been there.
He just made me feel so bad about my sexuality and made me think twice about it. I can't help that I'm gay. Can't nobody. I know that I have to be strong but the fact that those hurtful words came from my father hurts a lot. Sometimes I don't even wanna be alive anymore. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. I just wanna cry to let all my feelings out to make it feel better.
Don't force yourself to like boys, whether you are attracted to them or not you will figure it out with time, don't let someone else's ignorant opinion influence you even if that someone is your father. There's nothing wrong with being gay, you can perfectly know you like girls without kissing one and the way you dress or present yourself doesn't have shit to do your ability to make someone else happy. Not having experience with girls doesn't make you any less gay (if you are) and being a tomboy doesn't make you any less of a girl. You are who you are and you like who you like. good luck x
I think many people question what they are in terms of sexuality...you are ahead because at least you are willing to be open here and ask questions and ask for help...it is possible that you are bisexual or having a difficult encounter with your dad and having a guy you were attracted to made you question your decision to come out...it does sound as though you're not sure and that's just fine...you're only 17 and you're mind, body and spirit are still trying to figure it out...I'm in my 30's and I'm still figuring it out too...I haven't even been able to talk to anyone other than my spouse about my sexuality because of my own fears surrounding coming out to family and in particular my very religious mother and sister...I hope some of what I have written here at least lets you know you're not alone...
