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My realization

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by BubbleBoi, Jun 3, 2015.

  1. BubbleBoi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2015
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    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Sorry this might be long, but I've been looking for any advice or thoughts on my experiences because I'm tired of feeling not completely ok with myself. As of now, currently, I don't know what I identify myself as. Looking back on my life now after all I've been going through inside my head I can clearly see I've always been different from other guys but never really wanted to justify why.

    Thinking back to my earliest memory it was in the 1st grade. I had this guy friend, we would hang out all the time. Being around the age of 7 I didn't really think twice about the things I did so I would often kiss his cheeks and he would do the same to me. I would always stare into his eyes, which have always been something I find attractive, and just look at him and think about how much I liked him... unaware to what degree I meant by 'liked'.

    Fast forwarding to 4th grade, in which by this time I had changed schools twice, I had made another guy friend whom I'd also kiss on the cheek but don't recall receiving them back. By this time in my life I started to understand the weirdness of what I was doing because I would always force myself to find a girl to have a crush on just for the sole reason that I could tell everyone I liked someone. I've always been romantically awkward around girls which means I've never advanced on any feelings I've tried to force myself to have.

    After that period in my life I just ditched crushes and girls all together to focus on school because priorities started to become my reality. But my confusion really hit home last year, aka freshman year of high school. At this point I started to look at guys in a new way. I started to look at them and point out to myself what I found attractive about them and how good they looked and what they looked like underneath their clothes and I wanted to just shut my mind completely off. I ignored these thoughts for a while and dismissed them as something normal, perhaps a phase. But the feelings increase and my mind became a dirty place to me that I wanted nothing to do with. I turned to Yahoo Answers constantly trying to make reason of what was happening to me. I didn't want to be bisexual, I didn't want to be bi-curious, I didn't want to be gay. I can say all my life I've been afraid of judgement because to me that's the hardest pill to swallow, people looking at me certain ways. I didn't want to be judged as this little gay kid that people already thought I was because of how high my voice was and how short I was and how I hung with girls and wasn't a football player but to me I couldn't help those things so everyone who thought other than what I was lying to myself about was just a jackass.

    Ive always shut out my emotions during this period in my life because to me, emotions didn't mean much. They were intangible and silly because they would come and go, negative or positive. All these thoughts, all these feelings were all shut up inside of me and I did nothing but soak it in until I started breaking down in my bathroom on the floor in tears being emotional over the slightest things. I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I truly did not know what I was looking at and I was mad at myself for putting me in that position of sadness, anger and feeling trapped. High school was a time where i stopped talking to great friends over dumb reasons who began to move on with their lives while I sat back and acted like I didn't care. So when it came for a time where I needed the people I wanted to confide in, who did I have? I became increasingly angry with myself for being the way I was and for acting the way I did pretending to not care. My mind was running endlessly on these thoughts of the possibility I might be gay, on the possibility I'm an awful person for acting the way I did, and so on. Having no one I felt I could talk about it to created more sadness. So as I slowly simmered in my own personally dug pit of sorrow and anger I just sat back and hoped everything would subside. I thought to myself 'Everyone goes through a rough patch, and everything gets better with time.' Being a patient person, I stuck to this thought and let myself simmer in my emotions. For the record, I've had a single mom since a young age who has always been the best parent I could ever ask for. I love her to death but have never fully felt comfortable confiding certain aspects of my life to her because I'm afraid of judgment, maybe she'll laugh, maybe she'll cry. The unknown is what gets to me.

    During my sophomore year of high school I really wanted to figure out who I was. I wanted to be honest with myself so I could do the same with those I felt comfortable around. Instead of shoving the idea of being gay to the back of my mind I started to explore this. I've always had guy friends but none I've felt comfortable hanging out with on certain levels. I became increasingly touchy with guys but kept it low-key enough to not let anyone catch any hints. A good friend of mine since the 7th grade had put his schlong against my leg a couple of times in my math class and I got the best feeling of butterflies in my stomach. It was a feeling I've never had in any type of relationship Ive shared with a girl, just from the feel of him being on me like that. I've had girls my age physically naked in front of me, half naked on me and against me and felt nothing like I did from having another dude be against me. Upon realizing I liked this feel, I started looking up things I could find about gay people, people who were openly gay and people coming out. Seeing the bravery and courage built up by all these people flushed out some of my emotions. I would cry to myself watching these things because of how great they seemed to feel afterwards, their sense of relief. It was then I started to identify myself as a possible bisexual or gay guy to myself and myself only. My conflicting issue at this point was my internal doubt on whether or not this was real. I was unsure if this was a simple phase in my life that would blow over by senior year or stick with me forever. I wanted to come out to someone so badly but I didn't want to have everyone see me as something I wasn't 100% sure about. This made me cry often, my sense of unsureness on what I was and what I might be in the near future. It took me a few weeks to come to understand that I was living in the present and regardless of how I might feel in the future this was me now and this is what my life has built up to be.

    On May 25th, 2015 I came out to some close friends of mine in a group chat we had(have) been in for over a year. I wanted to tell them in person but to this day I have not uttered the words 'I'm gay' or 'I'm bisexual' out loud. I had promise them I'd confess something if one of them would tell me a secret she was holding back and I followed through on my word. I wasn't the ideal situation in which I wanted to come out in, but it happened and I'm glad it did. A whole flood of emotions overwhelmed me and I started to cry, but these tears were all the anger and sadness that had been simmering within me. People I could talk to. I still wasn't 100% comfortable with it being out in the open air but I was happy with the start of what it would become.

    As of now, I have plans to come out to a close friend of going on 7 years and hopefully a few others. Eventually I'll feel comfortable telling my family but as of now that's what scares me the most. The people who've wiped my ass all my life and looked at me with such high hopes. I don't want to feel as if I've let anyone down.

    I am me, I was always be me. I don't know how to be anything else but myself and the sooner I come to terms with that completely will be the time in my life where I can continue on my road to prosperity. I have had high ambitions for my life since I was young and will never let a branded sexuality control the outcome.

    I originally started writing this asking for help on defining who I am but writing this made me realize that I am what I feel I am. I feel like I like guys and it's in no one else control about what I like when I chose to like it. I hope everyone finds it in themselves to be honest and truly discover what it means to be content with yourself and love you for whatever you feel is right in your mind, heart, body and soul.
     
  2. Toaddy

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Minnesota
    First of all, I just want to thank you for sharing your story. :slight_smile:
    I know how difficult it can be, but it does get easier. Take one step at a time and before you know it, you'll be standing out in the open for everyone to see.
    Telling friends is the first part. It proves that you're not so ashamed that you want to hide yourself. Good job! It took me my whole life to get passed that step.
    As long as you keep that positive attitude, there's no where to go but up. :slight_smile: