Confusion - clarity one minute confusion the next

Hi all,

Have to first off say that this resource is amazing and wish I had the balls/honesty to come on here sooner

As the name suggests I am very confused and probably have been for the last 10 years or so, prior to this I probably wasn't open enough with myself to even try masturbating to gay stuff.

Have always been crazy for women, particularly legs and ass as well, not so much breasts or pussy. Always physically and I would say chemically attracted to women, I love being close to them, love the smell, taste and feel of them, all of which would get me aroused, however when it comes to porn particularly now the quickest way to get off is by thinking of sucking cock, or fucking a man

In terms of gay porn do not really enjoy seeing the male faces or bodies, more about cock and ass, and the acting of fucking, shemale porn has been my main thing though I am trying to watch more gay stuff to be more open to it

Always been turned on by being submissive which started with being underneath a woman but moved on to pleasuring and being penetrated by a shemale, thought of being fucked by a man doesn't really do it for me, love the idea of surrending control to a woman, ie being seduced and teased, the thoughts of that happening with a man make me uncomfortable but I know maybe it might be down to trust issues with men

Have been fucked by shemales a couple of times when drunk which was a nice sensation but also been fingered by beautiful women which I enjoyed more as I mentioned I love the feel of women close to me

The times I have been with shemales, while enjoying sucking their dick drunk or sober, did not like the feel of the other masculine aspects of them, ie stubbly hair on legs, the bony feel of their skin compared with the softness of a woman but this might be down to being conditioned to like that softness

Always been extremely anxious about a lot of things and when I learned about the mechanics of sex (around 10) before I was ever properly attracted to women I feared not being able to have a hard dick to penetrate the woman, crazy anxiety to have as a 10 year old child

Anyway this anxiety stayed with me so that the thought of fucking a woman made me anxious/soft even though their presence and the feel of them made me hard, when I was sufficiently relaxed with them

I have rarely had a successful one night stand as being able to get hard usually not the problem but having to be on top/ put on condom would cause me to go soft and then difficult to get hard again as too anxious. Also takes me a long time to cum usually

Have had some fantastic sex with girlfriends and actually with ex-girlfriends but also a lot where I didn't enjoy it hugely, I think can be difficult for me to fully relax when it comes to sex (or anything)

At the moment my thoughts on this subject change with the wind, one minute I'm certain I'm not gay albeit accepting definitely bi-sexual aspects the next I feel I've lived a lie my whole life because of maybe being bullied by dad as a kid for being soft and thus going over the top to be hard, really not sure which is the case

When I'm comfortable with the thought of being gay I start to think about the next step, ie being intimate with a man and this generally repulses me but then I put this down to conditioning, as after all cock turns me on and pussy does not but being with a woman turns me on and being with a man does not, anyone make any sense with this?

Going to see a psychologist about this but have to wait another 8 weeks or so so I said I'd see what kind of feedback I can get here to help me feel better/come out if that's what I should do

Also last point, have come out to a few people already and don't find it difficult at all but I think I haven't come close to coming out to myself if in fact I am gay.

Any feedback would be much appreciated, thank you.

 

Thank you Toaddy, much appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Oisin