I've had a boyfriend for about a week. He came over and idk if it's just nerves or what butI feel so bad, like I was like I'll text you when he was leaving like and he was like "can't text me a kiss" and I was like I don't want to like quietly and he was like it's okay and I was like I'm sorry... Because before when we kissed it was okay but I didn't really want to and I felt nothing but a few minutes later I got really sick feeling and felt that way for hours after. When we are holding hands I feel nothing , no attraction, no draw toward him. I got my hopes up thinking that maybe if be able to get over my feelings for girls and be straight, and "overcome homosexuality" and be normal and marry a man but I can't even kiss one without being nauseous ... I am happy around him because he makes me feel less alone but when we hold hands , I feel nothing. Nothing. No spark, no excitement. When we kissed it made me feel sick. I feel like a fucking piece of shit. I so badly want to be straight. I'm trying so hard.I feel like a disgusting human being and a worthless piece of shit. Because I'm trying to figure this all out and all I hear is that homosexuality is a mental illness or an abominatioAnd I thought I finally would be able to have a wedding my parents would go to, have kids easily. I hoped for that.I thought I'd finally be able to stop feeling guilty about this and not have to eventually come out to my parents (who are very religious and use their religion as an excus to spread hate). I just want to die. I'm neverc rnough... With my depression and eating disorder and this I have no energy left. No motivation to live. I see a therapist and an on a waiting list for partialhospitalization for my eating disorder . I just , feel so hopeless. I am homeschooled and cannot drive, live rurally. My therapist is the only person I can trust and everyone like former friends rarely talk, and don't ask me to go out or anything. I self harmed last night. Feel so hopeless
Hi hon, It sounds like you are in a really rough place. I'm glad you have a therapist. Have you told the tgerapist that you might be a lesbian? Sexuality can be a bit fluid, but you can't hope or pray the gay away. The good news is that there are a lot of people who have gone through the process of figuring themselves out. EC has been so helpful to me (and many others)! How long will you be living with your parents? Do you have plans for university? Hang in there, and keep writing. Clarity can help alleviate some of the stress too. When do you go back to your therapist? Is there an on call number you can call to help you avoid self harm?
Hey Dragonflywings. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Like the above poster said, you might want to talk to your therapist about your sexuality if you haven't yet. I once had a boyfriend that I felt nothing for. I really only kept up the relationship because I felt bad for him and I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a boyfriend. Anyway, it didn't go well as you could probably guess. But my biggest regret was letting it go on for so long. I knew I wasn't happy with him and I always felt like I was pretending in front of him, which I felt bad about. My best advice to you would be to not let this relationship go on for too long, for your own sake and his. You can't force yourself to feel something for someone when you just don't. Try to be patient with yourself, okay? As for religion, (I'm guessing you're Christian?) If you are, there's this great video that looks at all the parts of the bible that talk about homosexuality being bad and how they're actually being interpreted wrong most likely. It helped me a lot since I'm kind of religious and I hope it helps you too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY Please try to go easy on yourself<3 I hope this helps and I hope you keep coming to Empty Closets because it's a great place to go for support and I know it's helped me a lot.(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Yeah my therapist knows. The thing is I feel disgusting for being a lesbian -or just even liking women - but I do. There's no denying that. He loves me south and stuff and honestly i don't even know what to do. He's one of the only people who ever answers my texts and being homeschooled this semester I rarely see friends . I'm planning on going into dietetics , have two years left of high school and will be leaving home then. Honestly some days it's just a matter of me staying alive , and I don't cut deep or burn too badly and am very careful so although it's bad it's all I can manage. I relapsed again tonight and I've just been crying . I can't deal with stuff and Half the time I just pray that my eating disorder will kill me. I just I'm not going to kill myself but I want my eating disorder to kill me. I have no one except my boyfriend and my therapist and doctor. My boyfriend knows I am into girls and not into guys sexually. He respects that. But I feel so bad about being in a relationship, I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like I just can't bare being alone. I would probably start purging if I was completely alone and start abusing laxatives again and cut everywhere , because my depression is already so bad and I feel so horrible and I just ugh.:help:
It sounds like you've already had a serious conversation with your boyfriend about your sexuality...you said he knows you like girls and are not into guys sexually? the fact that he's still around in that case must mean he really cares about you. Also - if he knows you're not into guys sexually he might just still be hanging around because he wants to be your friend and see you get better. Which sounds like exactly the kind of person you need right now. I agree with the first post in seeing if there's an emergency call number for you therapist, or even just any therapist, for when you're on the verge of self harm again. i hope it all gets better, dear
I am so sorry you are going through this. No matter how bad it feels, you are lovable. My bff was anorexic and bulimic throughout our childhood and into early adulthood. She's in recovery and doing well now, but I have a sense of how hard her recovery has been. Do you have any activities that get you out of the house? Or exercise to relieve stress?
