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I am somewhat sure I am a lesbian, but

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Iza, Jun 8, 2015.

  1. Iza

    Iza
    Regular Member

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    I know I feel absolutely nothing for guys, and I never want to be in a relationship with one (it would be "tolerable", but just a friendship, at most.) I have never wanted to date a guy and never have. I think girls are absolutely amazing, and I want to kiss or date a girl, and now that I think about dating as a lesbian, for the first time it doesn't feel like some kind of chore. My family is accepting and I have no bad view of being a lesbian, actually, I think dating (and being) a lesbian would be awsome!
    That is problem number one. I guess that because I want to be a lesbian to some degree, I might just want to be different. Every time I think I know for certain that I want to be with a girl, I think about how few people are actually gay (1-3%?) and I feel awful for thinking that I'm so special. I am terrified of turning out to be a special snowflake or something like that. But then on top of all that, I am also terrified of being told that I am straight for certain, because it would mean what I feel with guys is all there is. And then I wonder if it's even worth it, I mean, some girls die for being lesbians. I don't want to be some kind of flaky, It's-just-for-fun lesbian after all everyone goes through for this.
    Problem number two, I kind of like straight porn/erotica. Not just LIKE straight/guy-on-guy erotica I WRITE it. Imagining myself in any of the situations I write feels weird and disgusting, but when I'm writing I get turned on by the descriptions/feelings. I like the couple I regularly write about and I don't want to stop. I don't know if this could be some acting out desires thing, or if it's just fun.
    Problem three, I don't like lesbian erotica. I can't write lesbian erotica. Once I get past "man, she looks hot" I try and think about what I would do and it feels awkward, like I'm messing up, and I don't have the faintest clue. When I was first learning about sex, straight sex had a formula to follow. Gay sex only required a slight change. Now I am just utterly confused. I don't really like the idea of giving oral THAT much, and after that I am clueless. It just doesn't come naturally for me. I have only had one dream about sex, and it did contain a girl, but thats the extent of "subconscious hints" about my orientation.
    Somedays all of this just doesn't feel real, and honestly, I don't have a clue about my orientation anymore. I've already messed up and misidentified as asexual, due to my lack of interest in guys, and had to take it all back before, so I want to talk it out this time, find out what other people think, and do it right this time, so I really want to make sure this time.
     
  2. sporn

    sporn Guest

    You probably don't enjoy a lot of lesbian erotica and porn because it was written by straight men. When I find lesbian erotica written by queer women I tend to enjoy it. If I can't find it I enjoy gay male erotica. You might not like the idea of oral sex because you're a bit too young(don't know your age), not everyone is crazy about it.
     
  3. womaninamber

    Full Member

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    I also worry that I want to be "special" and I also feel that I actually want to be a lesbian. But if you really want to date girls and not guys that's the main thing and I don't think you should worry about wanting to be "special" (which is not a terrible thing to want, anyway). And I definitely wouldn't worry about what kind of erotica you want to write. Especially since as you're saying you don't want to do the things you're writing about. I'm pretty attached to a fictional straight couple I like to think and write about and if I decided I was a lesbian I wouldn't just give them up. They're cute, they're fun, and I've noticed lately that I put myself in the guy's position way more than the girl's. (In my case I'm probably not a lesbian, but it's not because of them.) Of course I can't tell another person what their orientation is but it really sounds like you aren't interested in males.
     
  4. Unicornswag

    Regular Member

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    I'm in a similar situation, we can go through this together! :slight_smile: