* This is longest text written in english by me for years, so I apologize in beforehand for my spelling* I'm turning to 27 yo on July and I have been in relationship with a 26 yo guy for a year and half. There is this constant uncertainty which haunts me. Around age 12 I had my first crush for a girl on our class at school. I felt completely straight and was just like any other kid. Then at 13 years of age I had my first thoughts about homosexuality and had a few crushes for boys on our school. I felt terrible anxiety and prayed and tried to do anything to vanish those thoughts, but the battle was hopeless. I hated everything "gay" and became a bully, because I feared that otherwise I'd be bullied and someone will find out those feelings. I guess that I got some hope from the theory, that it might be just a phase. I had poor social skills which were probably increased more by my inner turmoil and anxiety, which I guess could not have been hidden from my outer appearance and vibes. I had few crushes for girls and I wished to have a relationship with those girls. But I feared, that maybe I was totally gay and can't make out with women. So, I decided to stay in closet and wait for "phase" to pass. I once again tried to date couple of women, but it was a catastrophe. First of them agreed to date me, but she ignored me completely and afterwards laughed about me with her friends. Second one was my high school crush and she seemed to be nice and understanding. I later found out that our messaging was a no1 fun topic to laugh at with our classmates, as she had showed it to them while I sent messages. They call me "weird" and "stalker". I felt betrayed by women and started to show some tough-guy attitude and ignore the "bitches". At 20 I got involved to sex with guys, while I was totally wasted. I felt excited, but somehow scared and I avoided kissing etc. I felt disgusting after everytime I had sex with men. Few years later my life at 24yo I felt empty and I decided to give a same-sex relationship a chance. I had a crush for one nice guy with who I had a 18 month relationship. Although something felt "strange" to be with man. I used to imagine him to be my girlfriend every time we did something together and in my thoughts I never gave up the fantasy for being in man-woman couple and to have my own children someday. I felt envy towards straight couples and imagined myself to the place of those guys. I felt trapped in my relationship and after a decade, my straight side really rose it's head again. Then at one party, there was this corgeous bit older woman and we had conversations and we really enjoyed each others company. She knew I had a boyfriend and I mentioned I'm bisexual on somewhere in conversation and then she asked if I would like to try kissing a girl. I felt enormous pressure and answered yes. It felt so amazing, like my whole body was tingling and there was this pure lust, which was completely new sensation for me. I later that night had sex with her and it was over in 2 minutes. I felt like a man. Finally I'm cured! It just felt right and there were no remourse whatsoever. Now I'm in relationship with wonderful guy who is probably the best guy I could ever get, but bisexuality is bugging me. I miss presence of woman, the chance to "be a man" and I still hope that I can someday be father myself. Our sex life is boring and while I do recognize that gay porn turns me on, it always doesn't feel enjoyable in real life with a man. I had to use imagination every time, when I have sex with another man. Our relationship feels too good to end and we have a nice time, but it seems to me, that both choice is a huge sacrifice. Has someone been in this kind of situation? There's a lot stories from opposite side, but can't seem to find one from gay relationship perspective.
