Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I am a 21 year old male college student and have spent this year questioning my sexual orientation. I have thought about it off and on in the past but have just dismissed myself as me of the following: I will grow out of it, there's no possibility you could live a lifestyle other than straight (my family is semi conservation/catholic and I went to catholic schools), or I'm just bisexual and will just keep my gay side to myself. Now, I have been kind of off and on about thinking about sexual orientation. I was bullied a bit in high school for it freshman and sophomore year although I am not sure why but maybe acted a but feminine...I don't really know but it eventually stopped...however...I was still very self conscious and worried about someone catching on because I did have attraction to guys. Backing up to middle school, there was a girl that I had a crush on. It's kind of hard for me to remember exactly what is what like but I remember very well getting butterflies around her, wanting to hug her, go out with her, basically, I really did like her. After that, I went on to high school. Right before I entered high school (late middle school), I began to realize that i found guys attractive, not that I necessarily had a "crush" per say but definitely found them attractive. However, I went to an all boys high school (yes good old catholic school boy lol) and began to feel attraction to a lot of the guys there. However, at the time, if you asked me if I would go out with a guy or have a romantic relationship with a guy, I would have thought you were crazy. All the way up until freshman year of college, I really wanted a girlfriend. I think a lot of this has to do with superficial image: I would have felt good about myself, all my friends had one, and I guess I thought it would be nice. I did have "crushes" in college on girls that I thought I could be compatible with or ask out but to be honest, most or all of them were forced and when the plan crushed, I didn't feel too bad about losing the girl, just felt bad about losing the opportunity to have a girlfriend. I didn't think about sex that much though just maybe occasionally. I would say that at least before this year 90-95% of my fantasies have been about guys and I get really turned on by guys and think about them a lot and just recently...could possibly see myself in a relationship with a guy if the right one comes along...but this is a new thing for me. However, just before a few years ago, I would have imagined myself dating and marrying a woman. It wasn't really until close to two years ago, end of freshman year, beginning of sophomore year of college, that I considered the possibility that I could be gay and be with a guy. I think I thought about it during senior year of high school for a while but dismissed it. While I find both guys and girl attractive, I would say its easier for me to become attracted to and turned on by guys and for a while this year i kinda just assumed I was gay and whether or not I would live that lifestyle. I don't tend to think about women that much until now because I am constantly thinking about my orientation. However, I discovered recently that I think I could become aroused by females, it's just takes me longer and I really have to think about it. For some reason though, I keep going back to this, almost like Ill never be satisfied, it's like if I think im gay, I have to keep going around and spent some time making sure and then if I change my mind and think im bi, I get biphobia and realize if I am bi, I'm going to live a straight lifestyle (no offense at all to bisexuals, it's just that with my family, they wouldn't get it) and if I could make it easier for my family by just marrying a woman that I could fall in love with....I would. It's almost like I don't want to be bi and I think another part of this is because I have opened up to a counselor and a really close and trustworthy friend, and I know they wouldn't care if I deemed that I was bi and decided to go out with a woman, but I have this thing inside of me telling me im stupid for going through this in the first place. It's like a never ending carousel in which I don't know what I want and I'm 21 and a virgin and a pathetic dating life with no long term relationships and I feel like I need to figure myself out as my mom is on my case all the time and so is my sister and grandma "when are you going to find a girlfriend...it's really hard to find a girlfriend after college.." And for this i feel like maybe I should just find a girlfriend but my inner voice and friend remind me it's unethical to play with someone like that when you don't even know what you want.....ugh!!! Maybe I am just overthinking this and should just lead a straight lifestyle to make it easy but I don't know anymore. Also this is kind of just a side note but I may have some kind of OCD about this as I am constantly thinking about it and am desperate to find an answer...or maybe I'm just overthinking it. Also, this may be stupid but I guess I should point it out. On both of my hands, my index finger is shorter than my ring finger which apparently means I'm straight for a guy, is this accurate and I'm just overthinking it.? Also, another interesting question that I have been thinking of is that does the typical gay guy like and feel attracted to a guy the same way that the typical straight guy feels towards a woman or is it different do you think (sorry- you may have to be bi or partially bi to answer that) Okay I know this is a lot and I am sorry but I have been planning to post on this forum for a really long time and this has been building up for a while but if you could please share any feedback you have on my situation - I would be greatly appreciate that. Thanks and many blessings! ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2015 at 09:22 PM ---------- Also I should mention (I don't know if this matter) but I find myself attracted to guys and their bodies and get aroused but for a while didn't think too much about the physical act of having sex with a guy unless it was oral which I did think about, until recently
hmm - well it's good to hear you're seeing a counselor! do you go often? also - up to this point, has it just been fantasies about guys? or have you had any same-sex sexual encounters? it sounds like you are at least turned on by the idea of a man, aka maybe sexually attracted to them. but perhaps you're not romantically attracted to them and wouldn't enjoy being in a relationship with one anyways...in which case you could more easily end up in a relationship with a woman and not feel like you're cheating yourself, per say. i personally think the only way to figure all this out is to actually see what it's like to be with a man. i think that would help you determine if you actually enjoy both (a) sex with a guy and not just enjoy the fanticising about it and (b) being in a relationship with a guy. perhaps you enjoy one or the other or neither! it's hard to know at this point... does your family know any openly LGBT people in person? any family friends or members? or...when/if the general topic of LGBT comes up with them, how do they respond?
I would recommend that you explore what you really want in a relationship. So many of us entered monogamous (gay or straight) relationships young thinking that's what was supposed to happen (and what we wanted) only to find the other feelings coming back after a long time dormant.
Okay thanks for the replies! So I'm not out to my family and won't come out until I know exactly where I am considering its hard to go back on your word. I am only seeing the counselor during school term so currently it's summer so no counselor. Also, is it possibly to be straight even though I don't a high attraction toward women generally speaking?....
Also is the index and middle finger thing I posted above tend to be true. I know there as some sort of scientific study I believe but not sure how accurate it is so just wondering if anyone has any insight on that....
