So I believe the best way to describe this would have to be repression of emotions, since I haven't been able to really feel anything to be honest. I first realized I was gay when I was 13 and I hated every minute of it. Seeing the way they were portrayed on the media made me feel ashamed of myself as that's what they expected of me. Since then I've been hiding it from people, afraid of them finding out and being judged by the people displayed on the media. I tried to be a part of the community but never connected with anyone. It felt like I had to change myself just to be accepted. As a geek, not one person I met had any idea what I was talking about. So as the years went by I just felt worse and worse about being gay. I even begged to be straight at one point. I grew to hate the community. I hated every positive thing that came up for them. I wanted them denied their desires. I grew to hate myself each time as well. Then I read an article about sexual fluidity, as it was like that side and all the positive emotions I had (with some negative ones) vanished. Fluidity states that a person's sexuality can change over time, so I got it into my head that I would someday happen to me. Now it's like my mind is forcing me to be straight. I'm not sure what's going on here.
Date and see who you like. That's the best advice I can give. As for being a nerd, nerds are awesome you just need to find other nerds into the same stuff as you, I promise they exist. As for being in the closet no need to come out until you meet someone the same gender who you love, prior that just enjoy your life, follow your passions and don't hate yourself for people love you for who you are. I know the community is difficult and it is harder than being heterosexual but you can live you life caring what others think of you and then they die and have nothing to say and you have suppressed being able to have open relationship where people know you are gay, as opposed to having no relationship or one in secret.
DeathArcana I feel like you are putting WAY too much importance in what other people think of you or think you should do, which is sad. Do not let people or the stereotype dictate your every moves, you do not have to be the ' typical gay' if you don't want to be and it's perfectly fine to be a geek if that's who you are. There are no rules that says that gay guys or lesbians or trans have to be and act a certain way. Not all lesbians are butch and not all gays are feminine. There are other gay geeks out there but I guess you just have to look harder. It saddens me that you hate yourself for being gay as it's not how things should be. Yes, you may well one day wake up and find a woman or women attractive, but you will never be straight. In the very 'best' case you'd be bisexual but even then your life would not be any easier if your problem is people having certain expectations based on your sexuality. People have expectations for everyone and everything, straight people have to go through that as well. Straight men are expected to act very manly, to be into sports, get heaps of girls and get heaps of sex and to enjoy a beer in front of a football game for example while straight women are expected to want to have children and to have had them and be married by the age of 30 ! See, no matter who you are and what you identify as, people always have an opinion on what you should do and who you should be and being straight won't change that. Stop idealizing what 'straight life' would be like and come to terms with your sexuality. There is nothing wrong with being gay and being straight doesn't necessarily brings happiness. I have LOTS of straight guy friends who are miserable because they don't fit the stereotypical '' bad boy/hot guy'' cliché that girls seem to be fond of and they are all but happy. So what make you think your life as a straight guy would be any better or happier than your life now ? What do straight guys have that you seem you can't have or achieve as a gay guy ? I hope you learn to accept and love yourself the way you deserve and end up finding happiness be it with a man or a woman. Good luck !
As Linning said, you are you and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, media portrayals are just propaganda to make heterosexuals make themselves feel better.
Except the community is nothing but shallow men looking for that idea body type, even among the so called geeks. The community isn't accepting so much as it is superficial. Being straight at least gives you plenty of options and you know what to aim and look for, women. Not have to guess which guy is gay or not all the time. Even then my hobbies and interests always scare them away, just because I'm not into the superficial.
DeathArcana, if you think gays and the lgbt community is much more shallow than straight people you are completely delusional. Straight people are as shallow (if not more) as gays. Whoever doesn't fit the mold in society happens to get rejected and their sexuality has nothing to do with it. You say that ''the community is nothing but shallow men looking for that ideal body type'' but what do you think happens in the ''straight world'' ? Do you think women take any and every man that crosses their path ? Women are picky, often much more than guys, so unless you are David Beckham or his twin, you are completely delusional to think that you would have it easier in the straight pool. You need to understand that it is not the community that is shallow but the society ! No matter your orientation you'll find shallow people around you and trust me as a (bi) woman I am much more picky when it comes to men than women. As a gay guy you know what to look for -----> aka other gay or bi guys, it's that simple. Yes it can be a pain to figure out if someone is gay but it's not easier as a straight person to find someone that fits you either. Stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence because it's not. There is absolutely NO guarantee that you would get more accepted by the society as a straight guy nor that you would find a woman or women that would have any interest in your hobbies if you were, so what's the point of torturing yourself with idealized images of an ''happy life'' as a straight man when really there is no guarantee of it? To be honest I feel like you have your mind set in hating gay people as well as yourself for being gay and that until you either wake up magically straight one morning or start accepting yourself for who you are and your sexuality you'll never find happiness. If you want to see what 'straight' life looks like, go on and date women, see if your life get any happier but I highly doubt it. If being straight was the secret to happiness there would be much less alcoholics/drug addicts and depressed people in this world. But well... Good luck anyway OP and I really hope you find peace and happiness !
I've battled with sexuality my entire life. My best advice to you is to let it go, accept, and do whatever makes you happy. Everything else is just bullshit that amounts to life. Don't worry about it so much. Things have a funny way of falling into place. In the mean time, explore your sexuality until you know for sure what you want and what makes you happy. No one else is worried so much about it than you are. Don't sweat it.
