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Advice on how to stop being scared/uncomfortable with sensual moves?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by littlemoose, Jun 14, 2015.

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  1. littlemoose

    littlemoose
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    Okay... so I get uncomfortable when cuddling and kissing, but I want to not be afraid and to enjoy it. I'm Aro/Ace and I really like the idea of cuddling and kissing and being cute with someone, but as I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction, it's a bit difficult for me.

    First of all I'm scared I can't reciprocate when they make cute moves with me (ie. spooning, little kisses... etc.)

    Secondly, if I want to enjoy it, why can't I? Why am I afraid?

    My first sort of relationship ended in a wreck because of it and now my of my friends might like me. I'm in constant fear of getting close.
     
    #1 littlemoose, Jun 14, 2015
  2. mangotree

    mangotree
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    Is it possible that you're afraid of what the kissing/cuddling could lead to rather than the kissing/cuddling itself?
    As in - do you assume that a potential partner (who maybe does experience romantic/sexual attraction) might only see kissing and cuddling as foreplay - and you therefore feel pressured and uncomfortable at the prospect of "more"?
     
    #2 mangotree, Jun 14, 2015
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    At the risk of offending you and others who identify as aromantic/asexual (which is not my intent), I'll offer some thoughts worth considering.

    First, you're describing being afraid of sensual moves. This would not be consistent with the recognized definition of asexuality; someone who is asexual (at least, according to the widely accepted definition) would simply have no interest at all. It would neither upset them nor interest them, and it definitely would not make them afraid. There's no evidence (nor any sort of broad support among professionals) to support the idea that romantic and sexual orientations are separate, so for my purposes, I'll group the aromantic thing together with the asexual thing and say basically the same thing: If you had no romantic attraction, you'd simply feel nothing, rather than feeling fear.

    Which brings us to what I'd offer up as the most likely explanation for what's going on with you -- which happens to also match what the overwhelming majority of professionals in the field would likely describe for your situation: What you're experiencing is likely not asexuality or aromanticism, at least according to the recognized and widely accepted definitions. And, at least from what you're describing you want, this is good news.

    The circumstances you describe are very consistent with someone who has something in his or her history...it could be family-of-origin issues, some sort of physical or sexual trauma, or an underlying, perhaps undiagnosed anxiety.

    Most commonly, when people present with the symptoms you have, it is a conditioned psychological response, rather than physical, unchangeable hardwiring (which asexuality, if the term is properly used, would be.)

    So the first thing to explore is what circumstances have you been in, or can you think of in your history, where you've felt similar things? Have you been in circumstances where you didn't feel fully in control of your body? Where someone wasn't respecting your boundaries? Where you were made to feel uncomfortable about wanting to love, express affection, or be close to someone? Did you see your parents express healthy touch and physical affection?

    Nearly always, some insights will lie in the answers to those questions (or something similar), so that might be a good place to start. If you are comfortable talking about those things, then you may be able to find some answers that can start you on the path to resolving these issues. The good news is, I think that, from what you've described, all of the anxiety, fear, and perhaps disinterest you have will likely be resolved once you address these issues.
     
    #3 Chip, Jun 14, 2015
  4. littlemoose

    littlemoose
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    I understand aro/ace is someone who doesn't experience sexual or romantic attraction, and I never have, at least so far. You get sex-repulsed asexuals and aromantic people scared of romance. And as mangotree, put it, it could be because they are afraid of being pressured into something more.

    My sexual and romantic orientation could definitely be impacted by diagnosed anxiety. There's no one big event that caused me to feel this way I think, but it could be the things over time. My parents, though they are both nice people, fight a lot. It's just sarcasm and yelling, nothing physical, but as a person with super high empathy levels it hurt me a lot. As a child, I was super interested in romance and I was really flirty, but I never understood what a crush was. It could have been the influence that a 'princess' must always rely on her 'prince' or whatever. Growing up I was worried something was wrong with me, because everyone was talking about crushes and it confused me a lot. I thought myself into thinking that I liked one of my online friends and the relationship with her turned sour real fast. Then one of my best friends admitted he liked me, and I thought I did too, but I felt guilty saying that and I felt nothing when I kissed him though I was fine with it, and I enjoyed cuddling with him. I got really paranoid that people would find out though as it was a religious camp and even flirting was off-limits. I told him eventually due to the fear that I couldn't kiss him anymore, at least for a while, and after that it was almost like I didn't exist? Afterward, I realized that I was lucky it didn't work out. He was extremely selfish, made gay jokes, and would think it was funny to throw basket balls directly at my face. To be fair I played it off to try and be cool and did the same things back to him. It was extremely unhealthy but I didn't realized it because I was too focused on whether anyone would find out.

    Recently, two days ago, my friend admitted that she had thought about dating me (casually bc she knew that I am aro-ace) and I said I had also thought about it, as well as having thought about it with all my other friends because my brain is super desperate to fall in love, and to experience that magical experience everyone's so super fixed on. Romantic love is over-romanticized greatly I know but still. So we had a sleepover, and we cuddled and she kissed me on the back. I felt scared again and I don't know why exactly. However, I do suffer from high levels of anxiety also.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2015 at 11:41 AM ----------

    You post is really helpful though, and is keeping my perspective open. I really appreciate it. I just can't get therapy or things to help with my anxiety just yet. I have dyspraxia, and ADD and my mom is super dismissive when I say I'm struggling with things like anxiety or despersonalization. I think it's because she's worried about my limiting myself and me dismissing opportunities because of disability when I could've taken it.

    So I can't talk about my disabilities, or my orientation or gender identity to her because she dismisses it. So if I ask if I could see a therapist or something then she'll think I'm just thinking that I'm worse off than I am. I don't know even if a therapist would help if I'm honest. It seems like a very hit and miss type of thing.
     
    #4 littlemoose, Jun 15, 2015
  5. rhymez

    rhymez Guest

    Maybe you just aren't totally comfortable with your sexuality yet? It was difficult for me to reach out and be intimate with my partners in the past. It took me a long time to get here. I used to think there was something wrong with me. It's normal, I promise!
     
    #5 rhymez, Jun 18, 2015
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