Using Bi as a Cop Out? When You're Really Far from 50/50

I feel like from where I am standing you've made it pretty clear to your self what the answer is. Why would you want to live life any way other than optimally happy? You don't.

As far as being Bi or not, what about when you look at it from the angle of. It just IS. I just AM. I love WHO i love, and no more or less. If your not feeling any men, or any ones you've met recently, then don't worry about it. Also coming out and being yourself i think will bring you a huge amount of satisfaction, after the initial difficulties.

Just my thoughts xD

 

Hon, there are all kinds of lesbians and all kinds of bisexuals...people follow all kinds of paths. I'm sure some people (straight, bi, and lesbian) will tell you that you can only be a lesbian if you've never felt *anything* looking at a guy...but that says more about their issues than about you or lesbians.

I always advocate "simply live and don't worry so much about your label". Then look back after a few years and choose the label that seems to fit based on your experience. It sounds to me like you've done exactly this, and you're now struggling to accept what you've found.

But if it's the word that bugs you, simply don't let it bug you. You don't need a word for it, nor should you ever let a word dictate your future. Accepting that you are attracted exclusively to women, and have been for some time does not mean that you will never marry a man, settle down, and have children (though it does *perhaps* make the "marry a man" part much less likely). More and more, lesbians do settle down and have children...the awesome thing is that they do it with *women*!!

I get your frustration with being in the closet. But I don't get the need to know your entire destiny in order to come out (I'm not quite saying you're taking it this far...but some people do). I don't get when people talk about "what to come out as" as if there is going to be some kind of bat mitzvah event, and they want to make sure they're going to do it right. Being in the closet means that you're taking steps to make sure that nobody finds out about your orientation. The opposite of that is *not* taking steps to make sure that nobody finds out about your orientation...not screaming your label from a mountaintop. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want to be out (and it is *so* much nicer out), then live your life, date people to whom you are attracted, and if anyone asks, admit that yeah, you're dating a woman (assuming this is the case). Don't *come* out...BE out...stop fighting the fight.

And then if you meet another guy you're intensely attracted to, feel free to date him too...you never told anyone you wouldn't. And if you happen to marry him some day and have kids...well, then that happens.

But live your life. And be happy. *hugs*

 

First off, Bisexuals are almost never 50/50 in attraction, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm not saying you are bi yourself, just that It's a misconception.

You don't sound bi anymore in my opinion if men don't interest you and the intimacy turns you off....sounds pretty lesbian to me. Unfortunately, most lesbians are victims of compulsory heterosexuality and many believe themselves to be attracted to men at one point.

 

BiAnnika is exactly right, don't worry about your label. I'm "gay" but have had attractions to women, just nowhere near as strong as guys. Saying I'm gay is simply a shortcut.

Your best bet is probably to tell people you're lesbian if you think you are. I told a friend I was bi long before I was ready to come out. I later had to backpedal when I had only dated guys and he kept wondering "if you like girls too, why not date them?" "Well..."

 

If you don't feel comfortable with labels, don't adopt them ;P

We often don't need them. I usually go with "I'm gay" when explaining it to a friend or something, when in reality I do kiss girls / get intimate in some situations, although I'm pretty averse to the idea of sex with girls, I don't completely "ban it". I'm ~97% attracted to guys, thats what it is. The rest are all labels; they don't necessarily describe what I feel 100% percent in all possible situations; that would be pretty weird.

 

well darlin, im Bi. is it 50/50? nope, in fact it started with a strong majority of attraction towards females vs males. now that has flipped. go with the flow i say.

 

It's not a cop out. It's not an even 50:50 for many bisexual people. Different events and reasons impact this. Get to a comfortable spot. It sounds like you've only identified two options - the closet or, as you say, "full blown lesbianism." There are more options than that. Many people here manage lives that don't involve picking black and white options.

If you care to, can you share what happened with that man you had an intense crush on five years ago? The fact that you used the word intense, which you probably did in a stream of consciousness, is interesting. It might help us and help you understand.

Labels are for clothes. Just kidding. However, sexuality is sometimes so much more complicated than just a label.

 

Like everyone else said, you don't have to use labels. If you've only been attracted to one man, I think it's safe to say you can identify as a lesbian, if you want. Though if you suddenly find more men attractive, then you might want to take some time to reflect on your sexuality.

50/50 bisexuals are rare but they do exist.

 

I say bi even though I tend to have a strong preference for men. I have had intense crushes on girls in the past, and I believe that there is a possibility I will again. Recently, I haven't had any; I've only had M/M crushes for the past year or so. But I still identify as bisexual because of the past and possible future attraction to women.

Only you know where your sexuality stands, and if you can't seem to find a label that fits you, you don't have to choose one. You can just tell people "I'm queer" or "I'm not straight" and leave it at that!

 

I think it's unlikely for me to live my life with a woman, therefore I tell people I'm gay (Kinsey 4-5).

Technically speaking I'm bisexual (feelings/sexual arousal from some women). Since I'm the only guy in my dad's side to carry on the last name, everyone expects that I'll have kids on my own, so there's a bit of a drive to identify as gay because if I identify as bisexual, then people will expect me to still marry the opposite sex.

 

Ironically, I once wrote an entire blog post about Bi guys. I found that every single time they were actually straight, with a bi curiosity. I'm not saying that true bi doesn't exist, I'm just saying people ALWAYS lean towards one more. They say the true "gay" scale is 1-6. 1 being straight, 6 being gay. I think I'm maybe a 5/6. I love men, and could never be physically intimate with a woman. But I have in the past found myself irresistibly drawn towards certain girls my age in a completely emotional way...thats why I might be a 5.

But the point of that 1-6 graph is that you can never be truly down the middle. You can be close to one or the other, but you will always fall more to one side

 

This is such good advice it needs repeating.

 

Being bi is way more complicated than just meaning 50/50. I'm pretty sure that's the case with me, and it isn't 50/50 or any particular odds. It's often something that can change at different times to some extent. However, I'd say that your pretty much just interested in women and maybe on a very rare occasion would be interested in men.