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Sick, scared, and sexually questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Surpriseat30, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. Surpriseat30

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hi everyone, I'm new here and I need advice/to talk to people, because I'm really confused. Please take time to read my story.

    This year, at 30, I started questioning my sexual orientation and realizing I might be a lesbian. I've read a lot of stories about this online, and my story is somewhat similar. I grew up mainly having attractions and crushes on men romantically, but years between each one. I was sexually active with men, but relationally, everything always fell apart. (I picked emotionally unavailable guys, or would "disconnect" when one became emotionally available.) I enjoyed the company of men and would chase them, hang out with them, enjoyed attention from them, but had very few that I would choose to get involved with relationally because a romantic type of attraction was infrequent, yet overblown. Some of my female friends would talk about wanting to "jump that guy's bones" or impulses like that, and I didn't understand what they meant, or only very infrequently. But I also did not have an attraction to women at all. I tended to be attracted to a man for his personality and the "heat" that would develop between us.

    At 23, I questioned whether I could be attracted to women, but then this also passed, and I went back to how I was before, only probably acknowledging I was higher on the Kinsey scale than previously thought.

    Two years ago, I began to have a chance to have more access to relationships with men. I initially was excited, and eagerly entered them. However, it was like once I got involved and there was sexual access, I would start to lose interest and energy. This pattern repeated with men until I felt asexual (or at least aromantic). I wondered what was going on. I have severe medical problems which required me to get a Miley Cyrus-esque haircut, and then, for the first time, I began to get hit on by women as well as men, and I liked it. This made me question more, and everything cascaded when I realized I was now acting shy around my female friends, and thinking of how I could be a better partner to them than their male ones. Once I blurted out, "I'm a lesbian," I started looking at women all the time, and I realized I was more interested in trying to date women than men.

    Yet I am still confused BECAUSE of my history with men. It feels like the history was false if this is the case, like my brain was in denial or those relationships were created just to keep me in denial. It also causes incredible anguish because I have been attached to various men and felt I was even in love with some, and now I can't get it out of my head that it could have been a lie and manufactured by my brain. If I was genuinely in love and attracted to men, it feels like I can't have it again and it was taken away, and I don't know how to cope with this. Is this normal? Could I have made everything up?

    As for my attraction to women, there is a part of me that feels like I found something that was missing and it makes sense globally. I do think that, to compare the two, my attractions to men were to a SPECIFIC MAN, but my attraction to women seems to be to the gender: woman, but not a specific one (more like all of them at this point.)

    I'm not in a place to explore yet because I have terrible medical issues. I'm really depressed and scared over all of this and could use some advice. I have no idea what to think anymore.
     
  2. Commenza

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry to hear you have some medical issues. Regarding your sexuality, I have no right to put a label on yourself but have you considered being bisexual yet? Sexuality is not black or white, you know. Maybe you like women as a whole more and there are only certain guys you like. But that would still make you bisexual, at least to me.

    The best advice I can give to you: Don't worry too much about who you like. It's great for you that you have come to realize that you like women which for many women is not an easy step. Whether you like men or not is not so important at the moment. You will figure this out eventually over time, believe me.
     
  3. Surpriseat30

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Thanks for the reply, Commenza. I think I have taken the first step by admitting it to myself, but there is all the confusion that follows. I am in no place to experiment at the moment due to my health issues, which makes things even worse. :frowning2:
     
  4. benefit25

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Hello surprise!

    i feell the same exact way and in the same exact manner as with men in my past. Now that I am questioning it all feels weird. I have not been with a woman and have yet to explore that, but now that i might be gay i wonder if i manufactured those feelings for men as well. Like you, i like the guy depending on him, not because of his organs or looks. I have had sex and enjoyed it but for me it gets better with time because i become more comfortable with them. Also birth control doesn't help with the orgasms and usually i just become drier. i feel all kinds of depressed and lost, and anxious too. And we also live in the same city so at least don't feel like you are going through this alone. i used to believe that it was because i hadnt found the right guy and that finding the right guy will feel like getting the right kiss and it will feel like in the movies.

    I wish you better health and know that you are not alone questioning in NY. I am here for you. please PM if you need to vent or talk and we can both just talk about it.